6 months & Christmas

A couple weeks ago we had the 6 month prayer for my dad.  I miss him so much.  We did a nice prayer for him and it was so hard to believe, as I was sitting there listening to the priest, that my dad is gone.  I was left to do all the important stuff for the prayer as the oldest son.  I can't believe that my dad wasn't here to sit next to me.  As I looked at my dad's picture there I can't believe that this nightmare is our lives.  I looked over to Quinn and can't believe that this is our lives.  Between Quinn and losing my dad it is just so hard to believe how tough things are.  My heart is so broken from both. I have hope for Quinn and believe in her totally.  I also had hope for my dad, that he would be able to get better and come home.  When he left us I lost so much faith and hope in the world.  The whole belief that things happen for a reason and that this is the "right" plan for us.  I don't believe it.  Don't get me started on god.

I had faith.  I believed in something that was greater than me.  I believed in something that was so beyond anything I could ever be and just hoped to someday emulate that thing.  I believed that this thing would never let me down and always watched over me.  I believed in my dad.  I  knew I was always safe.  I knew that I could push myself beyond what I thought and I had him in case anything ever happened.  That he would look out for me.  When he passed away my faith left.  I really can't say I believe anymore, and the worst part is that I really want to.  I so badly want to believe there is a god and that my dad is in a better place and always with me.  Truth is that my logical mind is now running the show and the spiritual part has shut it down.

I miss my dad so much every day.  Every day I still have tears and I am so upset beyond anything I have ever known.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  What are we all supposed to do without my dad?

We just had Christmas a few days ago, and needless to say it wasn't the same. The first one without my dad.  The kids had such fun and were so excited with all the presents and Santa coming but in my heart it broke every time I heard Ronin say something funny about Christmas because my dad wasn't here.  My dad loved Christmas.   I missed my morning call to him when he would answer the phone and say "Merry Christmas", instead of Hello.   I will miss it for the rest of my life.  I just can't bear to be around families celebrating together, it breaks my heart and reminds me so vividly that my dad isn't here.  It was the one time of the year he went all out and made a point ensuring everything was great.   He was always into Christmas but when the kids came he found this whole love of it again.  I cry every time I think about the fact that he won't get to share another Christmas with the kids.  Lots of people say "At least he got to spend 1 Christmas with them". He didn't get anywhere near the enjoyment out of them as he should have.  Quinn and Ronin are just getting to the age where they are just so happy and interactive. My dad would have been able to sit down and chat with Ronin for hours. Quinn has such a personality that my dad would have had no choice but to lay the law down with her even a little.  Unfortunately that is never going to happen.  My dad is gone.  Every day I have this moment of realization early in the morning that this is a day without my dad.  We had all these Christmas traditions and now they just don't seem the same without him.  We can try to keep them going but they were intended for a life with him here.  That life is gone.  I miss him so much.  For anyone that hasn't lost anyone close, I mean really close, they have no point of reference to understand the pain. It is far beyond anything you could ever imagine.  The finality of them being gone and the futility of not being able to do anything about it.  I had no idea it was like this.  Like the death of someone you loved this much could possibly destroy your world like this.  I knew it would be crushing but this is beyond recognition.

My Dad's spot at the Christmas dinner table

The visions of him in the hospital have filled my mind over the holiday season and it has ripped me apart.  My dad passes away in my mind several times a day.  It is like I am losing him over and over again every day.  It is torturing me that he is not here and there isn't a single thing I can do about it.  Can't call him.  Can't go see him.  Can't get a hug from him.  Special occasions from now on won't be quite as special and will always have a bit of heart break attached.  It is a sad fact but true.

New Years Eve is coming up and the end of this year, easily the worst year of my life.  I lost my best friend. I lost, what seems like, my whole life.  It was a unit that included Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, Kanch, my Mom, and my Dad.  That was shattered in 2011.  I don't know what 2012 holds but it is so hard to look forward when the past is the only place my dad lives now.

Late one night after hockey I was watching the movie "Funny People".  I was watching the movie just to wind down.  It is a movie about an aging comic (Adam Sandler) who is terminally ill and really rich.  He hires an assistant (Seth Rogan) to help him with stuff and he makes a play list for Adam.  One of the songs he plays is "Keep me in your heart".  Needless to say this song just brought me to tears.  The next day I went to download it and it was uploaded on July 12, 2011, the day before my dad passed away. The lyrics just break my heart:

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

It goes on to talk about keeping someone in your heart for a while.  Dad, you will be in my heart forever.  

4 months and the festive season

June 16, 1975

This past weekend it was 4 months since my dad left.  I wish I could tell this story about how I have come so far and appreciate the good times.  I wish I could say that I have so much joy in my heart from knowing my dad.  I wish I could say things like this, things like what people want me to focus on, but I can't.

Don't get me wrong, I feel these things, in fact I felt these things my whole life and had them in my heart when my dad passed.  That being said, it is still so hard.  I still see visions of my dad in the hospital.  I still cry more times than I have fingers to count them.  I wish he was here every second.  The realization that I will never see him again, or hear him again, or feel his touch wakes me up every morning.

I still can't believe this is my life, and I don't have my dad with me.  There was still so much I wanted to learn from him.  So much I wanted to tell him.  I have found lately that when people ask me how I am doing, it is much less painful for me to just say "Fine".  That is really all they want to hear anyways.  Do people want to hear how much it hurts?  Do they want to know how much I cry?  No.

I find it hard to think about my dad and not cry.  I miss him that much.  I think about all the things we did.  I think about all the things he did for me. I think about how much he loves me.  I think about all this and realize it is gone.  He isn't here anymore.  Every morning I think about opening our front door to see if he is around.  I look out on our deck and picture my dad sitting there.  Every day I come home and picture my dad on the driveway with his Cadillac and the trunk open.

Every morning I see the kids, they wake up happy and ready to face the day.  Every day I think about another day my dad won't get a chance to be with them.  It is heart breaking.  I love my dad so much and it hurts so much. 

Christmas season is starting and every time I see Christmas lights my heart sinks. My dad loved to put up Christmas lights.  He stopped for a lot of years but when the kids came around he was back in full force.  It will be etched in my mind forever how he used to put out the Reindeer for the kids on the deck.  They used to stand at watch him work and he was so focused on getting it right for them.  There are so many Christmas memories I have of my dad and I just can't bring myself to documenting them because it will send me emotionally out of control.  Christmas was the time of the year I just loved being around my dad. He made such a point to bring our family and our extended family together.  I can't believe I won't see my dad on Christmas morning come into our house with his light up Santa hat on.  I can't believe that we won't all sit around my parents kitchen table and open the money box.  Everything hurts. I feel bad because the kids deserve a great Christmas every year.  It is going to be so hard to do that for them this year.   How do you smile when your inside in so sad?

I look back on the last year of my dad's life and think about all the opportunities I had to be closer to him.  I think about all the things I should have done.  I then think about his time in the hospital and all the things I should have said.  I am filled to the brim with regrets.  So many regrets that eat me alive every day.  I have no resolution for this pain because my dad isn't here.  Sometimes I think of just holding on until I can see him again but the realization that he is gone sinks in and tears flow down my face.  It is just unfair that I want to make my kids' lives amazing and I won't have the same for myself.  How can I have the best life I dreamed of without my dad.  The man I looked to for security and joy.  I don't know. 

Maybe I am just being selfish to say that my life is now not what I wanted but I shouldn't hinder other peoples lives from being great, like Brenda, Quinn, and Ronin.  Maybe this life is now not for me anymore but only for Brenda, Quinn, and Ronin.  I didn't include my mom in that list because I am sure she is in the same boat I am.   I think about my parents and the lives they had when I was growing up.  I only hope my dad got the kind of joy from me that I get from Quinn and Ronin.  It just isn't fair he didn't get joy from his grand kids as long as he should have.

December...

A lot of time has past since our last post. It is hard to recall everything that has happened. I will try and recall from the start. This will be the December post, then will do a Birthday post, and then maybe an "Our Life" post... not quite sure what that means...

December... The big thing that happened in December is Quinn was in the hospital. Sadly, this is what we remember. It is hard to recall the fun we had in the Dominican...

Ronin's first plane ride, having fun with Nead mosi...

Quinn pushing Ronin around the resort

Fun on the beach...

Slides & fun in the pool....

The group shot...

It is hard to recall the kids visit with Santa...

Or Christmas....

We remember that our little princess was very very sick and in the hospital leading up to Christmas and we didn't know if she would be out in time for Christmas. Luckily she was able to get out but we had a nurse coming to the house for the next approximately 2 weeks. That process didn't go as well as we wanted and Brenda still had to take Quinn to the hospital more than a few times. She had a total of 6 IV sites used and every single time it didn't last as long as it should have.

We were all so scared for Quinn when she was in the hospital. It was an unbelievable amount of fear. No one can imagine the feelings unless you have had a child go through it. The part that makes it so tough is that she can't tell us if she is feeling better, if something hurts, if she is feeling worse.... We slept in the hospital and Brenda and I saw each other for only about 2 hours each day just in passing, because Ronin was also not feeling well. We were actually so lucky that the doctor that was on call decided to send her to the hospital and we are lucky that we live in Brampton because of all the people that travel to India they do blood cultures routinely. That blood culture possibly saved Quinn's life. Quinny was such a trooper in the hospital, she let them take her temperature, she tolerated being confined to a little cage and also not being able to leave her room because she was in quarantine. It was truly unbelievable how well she tolerated everything.

We did the best we could and the moment Quinn walked out the doors of the hospital to go home, it made us feel like this was going to be ok. We really can't recall the last time she was that truly happy.....

The superficial thing that we were pretty sad about was that this was Ronin's first Christmas and it was December 22nd and we didn't even have a tree up... We rushed to get them to see Santa, to get the decorations up and to make it more of a merry place!

We really didn't have time to get them all the presents we wanted but we made the most of it. Luckily they are loved so much by their grand parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. They really got spoiled and loved every minute of it!

We had specific cute outfits for both the kids but sadly we couldn't put Quinn's on because nothing would fit over the IV stuff. Again, we just did the best we could and think they both had a great time. It is funny that we say making Christmas special is superficial because we sadly were reminded of what is truly important. All we wanted, and continue to want is Quinn to be healthy. We saw many families making a big deal about Christmas and working so hard to get everything just right. Many people say they know what is truly important but unless you have what is truly important in jeopardy, there is no way you can appreciate the things that matter. Anyways, this isn't a forum for us to pass judgement on the world. Back to Christmas... We had every thought that Ronin would love Santa and Quinn would be suspicious of him.... As you can see by the picture above, we got that one wrong. Quinn was great with Santa and was so excited to see him, and Ronin was... well, a little mama's boy. However, he braved it and went to see Santa too. We think Ronin had a great 1st Christmas... despite the look they have on their faces below..

For New Years, we had Pat and Mike over and put the kids to bed and had a New Years pajama party at our house. Lots of fun. We played some Wii, had a lot of laughs, good food, and rang in the new year.

That is December... Oops almost forgot the fact that Quinn gave Brenda a nice shiner!!!! There are no Peas with that Black Eye!!

Santa is coming! Santa is coming

So it seems we are in the enjoyable time between teeth. Quinn's appetite has returned to normal and the cold it gone. We really savour these times because we know it is just a matter of time before another little bugger shows up in her mouth.

As we gear up for little Quinn's first Christmas we are resisting the urge to get her all kinds of unnecessary items. We have to remind ourselves that she is only 9 months and we will probably need use of those funds in the years to come!

Quinn continues to work on her "Who the hell are you?" look everywhere we go. It is rather funny to us. We figure she must get that look because her parents are always so silly around her. We guess she figures there should be at least one serious person in the household.

I am sure that Santa will be very good to her. She will actually have her first chance to meet Santa very soon and we all know what kind of face she is going to give him.

Here is a picture of Quinn showing us her musical ability.