6 months & Christmas

A couple weeks ago we had the 6 month prayer for my dad.  I miss him so much.  We did a nice prayer for him and it was so hard to believe, as I was sitting there listening to the priest, that my dad is gone.  I was left to do all the important stuff for the prayer as the oldest son.  I can't believe that my dad wasn't here to sit next to me.  As I looked at my dad's picture there I can't believe that this nightmare is our lives.  I looked over to Quinn and can't believe that this is our lives.  Between Quinn and losing my dad it is just so hard to believe how tough things are.  My heart is so broken from both. I have hope for Quinn and believe in her totally.  I also had hope for my dad, that he would be able to get better and come home.  When he left us I lost so much faith and hope in the world.  The whole belief that things happen for a reason and that this is the "right" plan for us.  I don't believe it.  Don't get me started on god.

I had faith.  I believed in something that was greater than me.  I believed in something that was so beyond anything I could ever be and just hoped to someday emulate that thing.  I believed that this thing would never let me down and always watched over me.  I believed in my dad.  I  knew I was always safe.  I knew that I could push myself beyond what I thought and I had him in case anything ever happened.  That he would look out for me.  When he passed away my faith left.  I really can't say I believe anymore, and the worst part is that I really want to.  I so badly want to believe there is a god and that my dad is in a better place and always with me.  Truth is that my logical mind is now running the show and the spiritual part has shut it down.

I miss my dad so much every day.  Every day I still have tears and I am so upset beyond anything I have ever known.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  What are we all supposed to do without my dad?

We just had Christmas a few days ago, and needless to say it wasn't the same. The first one without my dad.  The kids had such fun and were so excited with all the presents and Santa coming but in my heart it broke every time I heard Ronin say something funny about Christmas because my dad wasn't here.  My dad loved Christmas.   I missed my morning call to him when he would answer the phone and say "Merry Christmas", instead of Hello.   I will miss it for the rest of my life.  I just can't bear to be around families celebrating together, it breaks my heart and reminds me so vividly that my dad isn't here.  It was the one time of the year he went all out and made a point ensuring everything was great.   He was always into Christmas but when the kids came he found this whole love of it again.  I cry every time I think about the fact that he won't get to share another Christmas with the kids.  Lots of people say "At least he got to spend 1 Christmas with them". He didn't get anywhere near the enjoyment out of them as he should have.  Quinn and Ronin are just getting to the age where they are just so happy and interactive. My dad would have been able to sit down and chat with Ronin for hours. Quinn has such a personality that my dad would have had no choice but to lay the law down with her even a little.  Unfortunately that is never going to happen.  My dad is gone.  Every day I have this moment of realization early in the morning that this is a day without my dad.  We had all these Christmas traditions and now they just don't seem the same without him.  We can try to keep them going but they were intended for a life with him here.  That life is gone.  I miss him so much.  For anyone that hasn't lost anyone close, I mean really close, they have no point of reference to understand the pain. It is far beyond anything you could ever imagine.  The finality of them being gone and the futility of not being able to do anything about it.  I had no idea it was like this.  Like the death of someone you loved this much could possibly destroy your world like this.  I knew it would be crushing but this is beyond recognition.

My Dad's spot at the Christmas dinner table

The visions of him in the hospital have filled my mind over the holiday season and it has ripped me apart.  My dad passes away in my mind several times a day.  It is like I am losing him over and over again every day.  It is torturing me that he is not here and there isn't a single thing I can do about it.  Can't call him.  Can't go see him.  Can't get a hug from him.  Special occasions from now on won't be quite as special and will always have a bit of heart break attached.  It is a sad fact but true.

New Years Eve is coming up and the end of this year, easily the worst year of my life.  I lost my best friend. I lost, what seems like, my whole life.  It was a unit that included Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, Kanch, my Mom, and my Dad.  That was shattered in 2011.  I don't know what 2012 holds but it is so hard to look forward when the past is the only place my dad lives now.

Late one night after hockey I was watching the movie "Funny People".  I was watching the movie just to wind down.  It is a movie about an aging comic (Adam Sandler) who is terminally ill and really rich.  He hires an assistant (Seth Rogan) to help him with stuff and he makes a play list for Adam.  One of the songs he plays is "Keep me in your heart".  Needless to say this song just brought me to tears.  The next day I went to download it and it was uploaded on July 12, 2011, the day before my dad passed away. The lyrics just break my heart:

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

It goes on to talk about keeping someone in your heart for a while.  Dad, you will be in my heart forever.  

3 Months Today and How to Support Me

It has been 3 months (today) that my dad passed.  I can't believe this life. When did the life I had all planned out change to this one?  When did I start to feel like I can't turn to anyone?  It was at 12:13 am on July 13, 2011.  The time my dad passed.
Since then life just doesn't seem as fulfilling.  I don't have someone that I could always count on.  When I walk alone, I really feel alone.  I don't have someone just waiting for me.   I don't have someone that fills a room with their very presence.  I don't have my hero showing me the way everyday.  It is such a lonely feeling. 

I try to keep my mind elsewhere through the days but the truth is I want to be with my dad.  I want to sit in a room watching Ronin and Quinn play with Brenda, my mom, and my dad. I want us all to laugh at the silly things the kids do, marvel at how far Quinn has come, and be amazed at all the things Ronin does so easily.  That is where I want to be, but that is all a dream now.  So far away.  I remember when we were doing it.  It was nice but the hard part was that is was just so natural that I didn't realize how great the moment was when I was in it.  I had everyone I loved right there.  Right next to me.  Now the person I looked to is gone.  The picture is incomplete. 

It has been 3 months my dad hasn't been here but it has been a lifetime worth of sadness.  I sometimes think if my dad can see me, if he misses me where ever he is.  If he can, I know he is crying.  He would be so sad to know how upset I am but I also know he would understand.  He would understand how much I miss him and how much I love him.  All through my life my dad was tough on me.  Pushing me further than I thought I could go and being hard on me when I didn't do things right.  The funny thing was that when I messed up, I mean really messed up, like police cars at the house messed up, he never yelled at me.  I know he was disappointed but I also think he knew how hard I was taking it and didn't want to add to it.  Maybe he was also in shock.   Either way, I just remember that when I needed him the most and he had a great opportunity to let me have it, he never did.  He was so caring, loving, and supportive. 
Sometimes I wonder what my dad really knew of all the trouble I got in growing up.  I know he knew the trouble I was getting in but let me find my way, the same way he did.  There are so many people out there that think they know my dad.  They think they got him down but they are so wrong.  He is very different than most people know.  The stern exterior was just a manner of how proper he was.  Underneath he was caring, loving, and generous.  He was so funny.  He loved to laugh.  He loved to do thing for people just to make himself feel good.  He wasn't one in a million, he was one of a kind... period.

Many people have told me that they just don't know how to console me or to help me through this.  They don't understand what it is like and don't know exactly house I am feeling.  They say and do things but they just don't seem to help.  I thought long and hard and decided to see how I would console... me.   What would I do if I was in the position of these people.  I have tried to explain it to them but I am not doing a good job.

First thing, I am not operating on a day to day basis.  So calling or checking in every day or so doesn't really help.  I am trying to survive from hour to hour.  My mind is constantly racing with memories of my dad and all the times I won't be sharing with him.  It literally happens multiple times an hour.  It is very rare for me to go through an hour without crying. So what would I do for me?  Call, email, text.  Let me vent about how much it hurts and it sucks.  Giving me the "bright" side doesn't work because you are not in a position to provide that kind of context.  Also, my dad is gone, there is no bright side of anything.  They tell me that at least I had time with him, really?  Of course I had time with him and that is why I love him so much and we were so close.  They tell me that at least you were close.  Really?  Of course we were close, that is why it has crushed my world that he is gone.  I would not try and "fix" the situation, because it can't be fixed, unless you can bring my dad back.

Second thing, I would do everything I could to interact with.. me.  I would plan dinner, lunch, breakfast, brunch.  Anything to help.  I would help out anyway I could so that I wouldn't feel that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Everyone is relying on me.  My mom, Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, they are all looking to me to resolve the things my dad used to do.  That is a lot of pressure considering how broken I feel.  Also considering I don't have anyone to lean on.  I don't have that person that I can look to know. So I would help me do everything.  I would sit down and plan out all the things I need to do.  Make a list and take a huge portion of them.  I would do anything to make sure I don't feel lost.

Third thing, I would ask lots of questions about my dad.  I would ask me to tell me about growing up and what I remember about my dad. I would encourage me to talk about my dad all the time.  Let me brag about my dad, because there is so much to brag about.  I would let me talk for hours about the great things he did and the great man he was.  I would let me laugh and I would let me cry about him. 

Fourth thing, I would spend time with my mom.  A lot of heartache comes from knowing how much my mom misses my dad.  I feel so much better when I hear my mom is going out for lunch or dinner or people are coming over.  I know she is occupied and gets a chance to take a tiny break from missing him, even for a few seconds.  I would go spend time with my mom.

The fifth and final thing, I would encourage me to feel terrible. I would do everything I could to not try and stop it.  It needs to run the cycle and the more people try and "save" me from it, the harder it is.  Just let me cry, let me yell, let me break down.  Only then can I start to put the pieces back together.

These are my thoughts on how to help me, but in fact there is nothing anyone can do to make me "feel" better or help me work through the thought process of losing my dad.  It is something I have to deal with on my own.  Every heart breaking second of the journey.  When I look at pictures or remember happy times it is just so hard to understand that 5 months ago we were planning a road trip to look for wheels for the Lexus, now he is gone.  It seems almost like in a blink of an eye.  I love you so much dad and will miss you for the rest of my days.

Fear and Putting me first

I have been having a hard time trying to figure life out.  Some really tough things have happened lately and I just miss having my dad around.  He was that person I could talk to.  He would just put me back in balance and give me that stable footing to go forward.  I don't have that anymore and feel like I am spinning out of control.  I can't turn around without heart ache.

My dad was that person I always looked up to.  He was the example I set my life against.  He was and always will be that father figure I could turn to.  I don't have that anymore.  I don't have that one person I can turn to and believe everything they say 100%.  I don't have the one person that I look up to that I trust with my life.  He was it.  What do I do now?  I am so scared of not having a person like him to count on.  I am so scared that I am alone.  I am so scared to live a life without my dad.  I am so scared to live my life with heart break every day.  I am scared my dad isn't OK where ever he is.  I feel I lost so much when my dad passed.  I have Brenda and the kids. I have my mom.  I don't have that male figure to guide me.  I feel lost. 90% of my life I don't need anyone but there is that 10% that I need that person to lean on.  My dad would be there for me without me asking.  We could work through that 10% together.  Who do I have now? I am so scared of this life.  How do I rest my head at night, how do I wake up in the morning, how do I deal with tough times?  How do I do all this without having my dad to turn to. Even the 90% I dealt with in life, he still gave the the confidence to do things.  It is all gone.  I lost his support for the 10% and the confidence to deal with the 90%.

People just don't understand the emotional stress and pain you go through trying to get the best possible life for Quinn.  They can't understand.  It is with you always.  I had my dad behind me to look up to.  Someone I could look to as an example of composure.  Someone I could let it all out to and he would still love me.  That is why lots of times we got angry at each other because I could be comfortable and let all the stuff inside out with him.  I don't have that with anyone else.  Everyone else I feel it is their feelings first and mine second.  With my dad it was me first.  He was always concerned about me.  I know that was his role as a parent but he was so much beyond that.  Think of having a friend that was always there.   Would do things just because they could feel you could use something to pick you up.  Then imagine that person is who you look up to your whole life.  That was my dad.  He was always there as a friend and always loved me as a father.  I always felt so close in his heart.  Never a day would go where I would have any doubt that he loved me.  It is heartbreaking that I don't have that.  My role is to lift people around me up, I pick them up and then seeing them happy lifts me up. With my dad it was the other way.  It was his role to lift me up and when I was happy he was lifted up. I am so lost.  I used to remember walking in the bitter cold and feeling like my face was going to fall off, it was my dad that I kept in my mind to help me get through.   I would think about talking to him when I got out of the cold and tell him how cold it was.  I would think about calling him to make sure he didn't go out in the cold and was OK.  I have no choice but to find someone else to put in my mind in these times but it is hard.  I know lots of people love me so much and I love them but my dad was me.  We were so similar that it was almost like talking to myself.  That is what I lost.  I was reading an article about when one twin passes away.  The lost portion of their soul the living twin lives with.  A lot of that resonated with me.  My dad and I weren't just close, we were almost the same.  So when I say I am alone it is because the other half of me is gone.  Nothing fit that half exactly like my dad.
I sleep so little at night.  I toss and turn. I think about my dad and cry.  It is every night.  I wish I had more family support and it wasn't just my mom and I.  Every morning I have so much sadness and most mornings the fear sends my heart racing.  I miss my dad and life in general is so scary for me without my dad.  No one can understand how I feel because they don't know what he meant for me in my heart and my mind.
In my life now it is my mom, Brenda, Ronin, and Quinn. That is it.  There are other people that come and go but everyone else has a life on their own.  For us it is everyday.

I went dirt biking this past weekend and it was lots of fun but there were moments on the trail where I had tears streaming down my face because I was doing all this stuff and the one person I wanted to tell, I couldn't.  The one person that was just waiting for me and only me was gone.  I finished the day and just couldn't believe that I didn't have my dad to call and tell.  We would have had a good laugh at the falls I took and how scared I was to climb some of the inclines that everyone else was falling on. But I couldn't.  No one else cares as much as he did.  I was always top of the list.

I Miss You Dad

2 months ago today I lost my dad.  I miss him so much.  He went into the hospital on May 21st so it has been 4 months since I saw my dad walking around and I miss him.

What has happened in the last 2 months?  It has been a blur.  Celebrated his 74th birthday without him.  Celebrated my parents 42nd Wedding Anniversary without him.  Celebrated Brenda's birthday without him.  Quinn had her first day of school without him.  All these things happened without my father.  Life just keeps going on but I don't have my dad.  Some days I feel I can do this but lately it has been a slide backwards.  Lots of tears and wishing my dad was here.

One of my dad's friends described my father not as a man but more of a vital life force.  That is what he was to me.  The life force behind who I am.  People describe my life when they try to help as I have Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, my mom, Kanch, Friends, other Family, my work, my health, and my Dad.  They say these are all the components of my life and I need to focus on the other components now that my dad is gone.   It isn't like that at all, the layout of my life isn't correct.  My dad was integrated into everything.  My relationship with Quinn and Ronin as a father is defined by my father.  My relationship with my mom and Kanch is defined by my dad as the leader of the family.  I work because of the example my dad set and look to make him proud.  All the other things, including Brenda, are interactions with me, and I am no longer whole.  It is like my dad and I were two lenses.  When they are together the vision is clear, without one and everything is distorted and not as it should be.  I can't see anymore.  I can't see life anymore and I am scared.

Ronin wasn't feeling well so he stayed home with me.  He did his best to cheer me up and he is so full of life. I think he deserves more than a father that is so broken.  Quinn is screaming for more attention and I just can't give her all that I used to. Every morning I take her to the bus and watch her drive away and cry.  I look around me, up to the sky, on the rooftops, for some sign of my dad.  I ask him to keep her safe and that I miss him so much and wish he was standing next to me.

I have all these visions of my dad when he was with me.  Things he would say, how he would feel, what he would do, and it hurts so much to know I will never see him again.  I played hockey last night for the first time since before my dad got sick.  I was dreading it.  Even sitting in the parking lot I was debating not going in and just going home.  I didn't want to face the people that knew my dad was gone.  I didn't think I had the fortitude to make an effort to play.  I did go in.  I didn't say anything to anyone.  They offered their condolences saying that it was terrible and that my dad was a bit on the young side.  I couldn't even muster a word of response. I went on the ice and played. I was tired and whenever I was on the bench I looked up to the stands and remembered all that time my dad spent with me at arena's.  I remember him standing there with his eyes locked on me.  He gave me the most inspirational words when I didn't think I could do things in hockey.  I always felt him close and it helped me try things I didn't think I could do.  I sat there last night looking up into the stands and tears running down my face.  Wishing my dad was there.  Wishing he was still cheering me on.  He used to cheer me on even when I was on the bench. How does one person make you feel so strong and safe?  How does one person make you believe anything is possible?  Now that he is gone I am weak and unsafe.  Without him I don't believe anything is possible.

I know he would want me to go on with life.  He would want me to not worry about him.  He would want me to pick up the pieces of my life and lead everyone forward.  I have to do it but everything still feels so painful.  I could never not worry about my dad.  In the last few years I took great pride in making sure my dad was OK.  I liked nurturing my father to make sure he had everything he wanted and he was happy.  I wanted to make sure he had a drink or that he was comfortable.  I didn't like hearing he wanted anything he didn't have.  When he went to the hospital I had to be there.  I had to make sure he had everything he needed.  I had to make sure he came home.  When he passed I feel I lost my friend, my father, my protector, but also I let him down.  I was also protecting and nurturing him and I didn't keep him safe.  My whole life he kept his end of the bargain of keeping me safe but I didn't keep up my part when it mattered most.

He wouldn't want me to be sad about him being gone, but he didn't want me to worry about him when he was here.  I still did.  I remember all the times that we were out or doing something and there was a lot of walking and he told me to just go on ahead.  I told him I am not leaving you.  I told him you were my dad and I am not leaving you.  He never would want to burden anyone and he never did.  Our pain is not the result of a burden he left but more of a love lost.

I miss you dad.  I try to have positive days and move forward but the more the motion of life moves forward the more pain I have.  It is like life is pulling me away from my dad and I am scared.  I don't want to move away from him, I want to move closer.  In the terrible times during the day I hold my hand and try to squeeze it the way he did.  I try and think about the comfort he tried to give him from his hospital bed.  I try and hold on.  I try desperately to hold on to my dad.  Anything that I can do to bring him closer but it doesn't work and I feel so hurt not having him around.  I just want to live this life again with my dad. I am looking for some comfort and there is nothing or no one that can support me where my dad did.  I felt I could do anything with my dad around.  I have to find my way in this life alone now, no more will I have the life force behind me.  The lens is distorted.

My Dad's wish fulfilled

A couple of days ago Brenda and I returned from South Africa.  It was such an emotional trip and so hard to do for me.   We booked on a Thursday and left on the following Monday.  I tried to sort out some South African documents at the embassy here but they are not exactly efficient and had to leave without them.  I was trying to get emergency travel documents for some stuff I had to do in South Africa.  I called them today and they said they just came in.... How is it an emergency when it takes almost 2 weeks to get the documents?  Anyways, everything worked out without that stuff.  It was incredibly hard sitting in the Embassy without my dad.  He had been here more than a few times and I sat there crying my eyes out as I waited for stuff to get done.  People were asking if I was OK and I told them I was fine, just get the documents done so I could go.  They knew my dad had passed away, what did they think was wrong?

Anyways, we flew to South Africa with my two aunts which was nice because we didn't have to fly alone but at the same time it was so hard for my mom to have 4 people she loved leave at the same time.  All day I was dreading getting on the flight because I knew what the flight was about and it was focused on the fact my dad had passed.  I didn't want to do it because I was worried about the emotional stress.  I knew there was no way I wasn't going to go but it was difficult from the beginning.

The flight was grueling to say the least.  13hrs to Dubai and then almost 9hrs to Durban.  The flight from Toronto to Dubai was on the Emirates super plane, the airbus 380, the double decker one.  It was nice with all the amenities and multimedia but the seats were hard.  Very hard.  I was surprised, given how new the plane was, it also had ashtrays around, which was also strange.

On the way there we stayed over a night in Dubai and toured around the city.  It isn't what I expected at all.  There really isn't any "Dubai Culture".  There are massive expensive hotels, restaurants I recognize, and money.... lots of money. However, there isn't any Arab culture there, it is the only city in the United Arab Emirates that allows drinking because of it's attraction to tourists.  All the other cities have no drinking and no bars because of their Muslim roots.  We saw the usual and headed to Durban in the morning.

When we arrived in Durban the first thing we saw when we collected all our baggage was family, lots of family.  It was such a nice surprise to be greeted by so many people.  I know a lot of them was there to see my aunts but it was family none the less.  They all hugged us and it was nice to feel welcomed.  We then went back to my uncle's house and everyone came, plus more people.  There was so much family around and I kept thinking that this is what my dad loved.  Family around, the more the merrier.  So at the same time it was comforting, it was also very emotional, I had to take a few breaks to go into other room when my emotions got the best of me.  I couldn't believe that after 23 years I was back in South Africa and my dad wasn't with me.  I cried a lot on the plane and then even more when we arrived.  My Uncle Rakesh took us around and really looked out for us.  He made sure we were OK even if we weren't with him and really gave us the royal treatment.  We drove up the coast in Durban one evening which was really nice.

The next day was the big day.  We were doing the ashes ceremony.  There was a lot of heart ache and stress associated with the logistics of getting the ashes done the way I wanted it and the way I know my dad would have wanted it.  The days and times kept getting switched, some people didn't want to participate, some other people wanted it their way and not mine.  Anyways, it worked out OK.  The prayer was nice, the ashes went into the same water that my grand parents and my aunt went into.  The place is called Albert Falls and it was such a great place that my dad used to go fishing when he was young.  It just felt like he should have been standing next to me telling me all the stories about the place, but he wasn't, and I missed hearing his voice in a place that important to him.

 It was peaceful and I got time to sit and talk to my dad , thanks largely to Brenda (long story with too much Maharaj drama).  It told him that I knew he was home but his home is with me.  To please stay with me, help me, and guide me.  Keep the kids safe and help Quinn find her way.  I cried so much that day that my eyes hurt.  I looked at the water tried to hear his voice in my head and feel good about doing something my dad really wanted.  I asked him if I will ever see him again in this life or the next.  I told him he was and always will be my hero.  Told him I loved him beyond words and that he was a man above all others.  I also repeated some things that I told him when he was leaving us, but those are words for him and me and not for anyone else.  I miss him terribly and still cry all the time.  I think about the life he gave me and I am forever thankful.  He is truly one of a kind.  There were so many things I said that day as I sat on the rocks talking to him.  I told him I didn't know what this life was supposed to be like without him.  I told him all about my pain and my struggles.  It was a moment that was just for my dad and me.

 
After the ashes, we went around Pietermaritzburg which was the city my dad grew up in.  We saw the old places he worked, visited some old friends and heard all the same messages.  He was a great man, unlike anyone they had ever met.  He was meticulous and had a memory like nothing they had seen before. It was nice to hear but at the same time, he was my dad, and I knew all this.  I wish I had more time to sit and tell him just how great I knew he was.  It wasn't like I wasn't sure about my dad.  It wasn't like I thought he was an OK guy or that I didn't hold him in the highest regard.  He was amazing, I knew that in my heart without a doubt.  So everyone we met, pulled me into tears either in their presence or during the walk back to the car.  All I could think about is that I had this great guy as a dad and I don't feel I appreciated him as much as I should have.  He was my dad but beyond that he was an amazing man.

We had a prayer for my dad that night and a lot of his friends came and shared stories and told me some heart felt messages about my dad.  There was a time during their stories where they had said that I really didn't know him.... What?  He is my dad.  They said I didn't know the man he was back in South Africa.  I took it as long as I could and then made a point to tell them that THEY didn't know him.  I knew the man they talked about but they didn't know the man he had become.  In the last 10 years of his life the man they had known had changed.  The man I know was this man that was so caring and gentle.  A blessed soul that could not do enough for the people he loved.  It was a grandfather that changed everything he thought about the world the day his little princess was born and stole his heart.  It was a man that was in awe of a boy that would never stop being a boy.  He was a person that was so full with love that it spread to everyone close to him.  This was my father.  They shared they stories of loss with a little bit of disregard of the pain I was in and I had to remind them that they lost a brother, friend, or relative but I lost my dad and when he left a piece of me died.  It was more of this constant struggle with my dad's family and friends but it was OK.  I know they were hurting.  We finished the prayer and the next day went to a prayer for my dad at 6:30am in a temple that he and my grandfather built.  It was a nice service and I cried the whole way through.  Sitting in this temple that my dad felt so strongly about without him.  Looking at the walls and the floor and thinking he was here over 50 years ago.  It was so emotional.  Prayer and Hindu hymns in general now have this effect of bringing me to tears because they remind me of the time of losing my dad.

The rest of that day we did some rapid fire visiting with people all over Pietermaritzburg.  I think we visited well over 20 different people that day.  All were so welcoming to me and all wanted us to have tea.  I have never refused so much beverages and cookies in all my life!!  We stayed only about 10 minutes or so at each person's house and they were so happy I could spend that.  I know Brenda's head was spinning trying to keep in order who was who and how they were related to me.  I stopped trying after a while and just relied on my Aunt Uma to tell my mom who they were when she talked to her in Canada!
After those visits we went to see my Uncle in Estcourt.  He and my aunt had so much food waiting for us. We sat down and ate a little till we were full.  Then we realized that it wasn't dinner but appetizers...  Brenda and I just looked at each other and laughed.  We weren't surprised given how much food is always around.  It is just part of the culture.  We had a relaxing night with my uncle and aunt and had time to sleep in then head back to Pietermaritzburg but not before we bought $80 worth of biscuits!! I was just grabbing 1 of each of the biscuits my mom loves and my uncle put 3 more of each in the cart.  It was quite the haul of cookies!!  My Uncle Jay also played such a huge role in making sure I was taken care of everywhere in South Africa and always made a point of seeing us almost every day especially since he lived almost 3 hours away.  After that we headed back to Durban to spend some time with all my family before we headed out the next day.  It was amazing how quickly they got everyone on my mom's side together for dinner.  We all went out to an African place called Moyo. It was a nice place on the beach.  There were so many laughs and jokes and it was nice to be again surrounded my so much family, I thought my mom would feel so much better here with her family that loves her so much.  I also felt so much longing for my dad.  I could almost hear his voice as he would tell stories and laugh and joked with everyone.  I fought back the tears so hard.  I closed my eyes and could almost hear his voice.

After that we went back to my uncle's house chatted to early in the morning and then got some sleep.  Woke up and then realized there was no way all the cookies and presents everyone gave would be able to make it back to Canada in the one checked luggage we brought.  So we borrowed one piece from my uncle and then they bought the kids presents and my other aunt/cousin showed up with some great South African Rugby jackets.  The next thing we had another checked luggage.  We came with one piece of luggage at 18kg coming and leaving with 3 pieces!  After trying to sort out the luggage we made a mad dash to the airport.  It is so different there.  A ton of my family came to the airport to see us off.  It was unbelievable.  They all hung out and chatted.  They stayed with us to the very moment we went through security.  We had some issues with the luggage but got it straightened out and all the luggage made it back to Canada with us.

I just can't believe the people on my mom's side of the family they have their drama but they are so close.  They don't let anything get in the way of being close.  On my dad's side it is different, they are just looking for ways to argue.  I tried to help them realize what was important and will continue to support them as I am sure my dad would want.  I did get a chance to go see my dad's brother who lived about 30 minutes outside of Durban.  It was obvious that no family had reached out to him.  The moment I got out of the car he was emotional and when I told him I came half way around the world just to see him he broke down.  He had such love and respect for my dad and for me to reach out to him after my dad was gone really took him back.  When I left there I knew my dad would have been so proud of me for going out of my way to see him.  He had been excluded from the rest of the family in South Africa and I wish I could have called my dad to tell him how happy he was to see me but that wasn't possible so again, I cried.

The trip home was long but not as bad as going.  We did get some sleep but got delayed through New York.  The plane ride was 23 hours of crying for me.  Just thinking about coming home and trying to figure out what life is supposed to be.  Can't believe I am coming home and can't tell my dad about everything we did.  It really hit home when we came out into the terminal and my dad wasn't there.  He wasn't there waving at me and wasn't there to hug me.  Very lonely feeling.

Brenda got a good taste of my family and it's differences.  We got a taste of South Africa and hope to be back there soon.  But the purpose of the trip was to fulfill my dad's wish.  He can be at rest knowing that it is complete.  People thought I could get a lot of peace by doing it.  I did get a sense of satisfaction but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less.  I still miss my dad and wish he was here.  I still long for his embrace and to hear his voice.  My heart doesn't know I have done this great thing for my dad, all it knows is my dad is still gone.

Death, Family, and South Africa

I have been having a hard time remembering my dad without longing and missing him. It isn't a kind and gentle longing for him. It is a gut wrenching, knee buckling heart break that comes when I see pictures, imagine him hugging me, smell him. That is the hard part of the process. Someone told me that you don't "get over" losing a parent, especially one that you loved so much. You learn to cope with life without them. When I first heard that I felt so discouraged. It was something I knew and told people. I always said I could never not miss my dad. He was the single most important person that shaped the person I am today. He was beyond a best friend and beyond a father. How could I "get over" him? When I heard that you learn to cope I started to think that is exactly what I am struggling with. Coping. People say that you will learn to live and cope, even if you don't want to because you have no choice. I am definitely taking the "kicking and screaming" route of grief. I really don't want to learn to live without my dad. I want him back, I miss him, I love him, I need him. I cry all the time because I am struggling to come to terms with the loss of him.

Since my dad has passed I feel that death is all around me. Close people have lost loved ones. Very tragically. It seems that every where I turn there is death. I was first thinking that it was coincidental, then I started thinking that it was always around me. I was just not understanding the magnitude and impact of it. People were dying. I kept living because I was ignorant to how it impacts the people that care about that person that had to leave. I never really talked about death with my dad because I was clueless. I knew life was cruel and life was tragic but I never thought about the finality of death. When you are ignorant to it you say "Life is harsh" "There are no reasons why things happen in Life". When you are aware you say things like "Death is horrible" "There are no reasons why people die". It is a different view. Previously I was looking at life going forward and now I am forced to see it from the end looking back. From a death point of view. It makes me feel so out of control. So lost and not able to understand the world. I understand it is a part of life but is it all we have? When I look back on my dad's life is that all there is or has his life taken a new form? Is he somewhere near me? Is there proof my dad is around me? Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Is he happy and at peace? Does he long to hold Quinn and Ronin? I don't know. I really don't know. There is no comfort for me. I think I could maybe move forward if I knew my dad was somewhere else but at peace and happy. I just don't know how that is possible that he could be somewhere without me and happy. He loved me. He really loved me so much. I saw it in his eyes and he would never not want to be with me. There is no easing that loss. What is death? Is it an end or a beginning? I don't know. Is there a way to know for sure? Everyone tells me that you have to go through this life and you won't know for sure so you have the choice to either believe or not believe and wouldn't you have a better life if you believed? I think so but my brain isn't wired like that, I struggle to believe in something that I can't be sure of. People said I believed in my dad when there were all kinds of signs he wasn't doing well in the hospital. I told them I know but I believed in him with all my heart. He was going to be the one that did the unthinkable. He was going to come home with me. Now that he is gone I don't know what to believe in. If he is just gone then I am heart broken. If he is somewhere else then I am also heart broken but there is hope. These thoughts maybe so jumbled but I welcome anyone to tell me their views. I am reaching out for help from whoever can give me just a little help.

My aunt Sham is here from South Africa. She planned this trip a long time ago and her focus was to come see my dad. When he got sick then the focus was to be here to lift him up to get better. Now that he is gone her focus is to support and help us anyway she can. It is amazing how things can change so fast. 3 months ago my dad and I were looking online for wheels for my car and now I am trying to make it through an hour without crying. Sham lost her husband about 10 years ago. She has been another inspiration to my mom. She understands the pain and she understands it in the way I think about it because she is similar to my dad and as a result similar to me. The anger and pain is something she feels. Last night we had everyone over to see Sham as well as see Uma and Soogni before they left. It was so nice that everyone, despite their differences, chatted, laughed, and were getting along like a big family. I sat there and just watched. I listened to the fullness of the house and felt the vacancy of my dad's voice. There hadn't been a gathering of that many of his family in a very long time and he wasn't there to see it. Everyone said he was there watching over all of us. I listened to his brothers and sisters talk with the same mannerisms as my dad and it was nice to remember him but so hard not to have him around. He really loved a full house of family. It was something he cherished. The get togethers he had was some of the happiest times I saw him. A few times last night I had to go to a private place and just cry. Cry harder than I have cried in a such a long time. It was like the new life without him was right in my face and I missed the life when he was getting me to help him serve drinks and hand out food. It is in his best times that I now have my worst. When he was at his glory I now wither away. It is a terrible contrast. As I write this the tears continue to flow.

Through some discussions it has come to light that there is a large amount of fear that I am dealing with. I would say that is pretty accurate. I am terrified. I am scared of trying to live without my dad. I am scared this pain will always be this bad. I am scared of never ever seeing him again. Somethings I can work on and somethings I have to accept. They all bring the fear. I am generally not a fearful person. I get nervous about things but generally push through it. There is some thought that my dad kept me protected my whole life and that I never got a chance to self actualize. Maybe that is true, I am not sure. I was pretty confident about who I was and the person I want to be. I am less confident with this grief but I don't think I am not self actualized. Then again the lost feeling and the vulnerability would lead me to believe that I am not self actualized. My dad played a bigger role as a friend in recent years and not a protector. I feel that Quinn forced me to actualize my life. Come to terms with the life I was leading. I don't know. I know I feel alone and vulnerable. I know I miss him and miss the reassurance he gave me that I was doing good things. Beyond that I can't figure it out.

As some people know, my dad's wish was to have his ashes spread over Albert Falls in South Africa. I made the promise to him a few times and will fulfill his wish. We did the prayer here for the majority of his ashes but a smaller portion I am taking to South Africa. I have finally booked my ticket and will be in South Africa for a total of 5 days. It will be a fast trip but as my aunt said, it is a mission and not a vacation. I am dreading the trip. Going to South Africa without my dad is going to be so difficult. The one place on this entire earth that I need my dad is South Africa. That was where he was home and I was lost. Now going back I am scared. I am going to the one place on earth he wanted to have his ashes spread and I have never been there. I am going there without him which isn't right. I really just want to get there and get out of there. I know there is a lot of family there that I normally would love to see but if I can get in and out of there without a total emotional breakdown then I will take that as a success. I know there are going to be a lot of moments of heart break, lots of tears but it is also a place that brought him a lot of joy. It is going to be like this new life without him is getting ready to kick me in the heart, repeatedly. I will try and take another moment during the prayer to say some words to my dad. Tell him how I have been doing and again tell him I love him beyond this world. I will try and manage but it feels like I have to say goodbye to him all over again. I have to suffer the loss of my father another time.