Things I miss about my Dad

A while ago someone suggested I make a list of the things I loved the most about my dad and what I would miss the most.  The things that break my heart the most.  I thought about it and listed out a few in my mind but thought I would document it.  These are the things I think about when I am so upset and can't deal with the pain of losing my dad:

1. My dad's hugs.  We always hugged every time we saw each other and it was a full happy to see you hug.  I loved to feel his face next to mine when we hug.  I long to run to my parents house barge in the door and get a hug again.  I miss it so much.
2. My dad's laughter.  His laughter was so infectious.  He just lit up a room when he laughed.  More important than that was that he lit up my heart.  I can almost hear it everyday and miss him so much.  It was just so free and fulfilling to hear my dad laugh.  Like the whole world was laughing with him.
3. His smile.  Even in the hospital my dad was able to give a few smiles out.  In his condition he still warmed my heart with his smile.  I remember as a young kid at hockey looking up in the stands and I could see my dad's smile a mile away.  It was so comforting.  I loved seeing my dad smile.  I loved it even more when I did something to make him smile.  That gave me such satisfaction in life. 
4. My dad's scent.  I didn't really realize it when my dad was around but he had this very distinct scent that I knew it was him.  I can close my eyes and think of it.  I can't describe it but I know it.  I walk around my parents house and just catch a glimpse of it.  There are a few things that carry it and I hug them with all my heart.  They say that sometimes you can smell it when their spirit is near.  I hope I can so that I know my dad is close to me.
5. My dad's glasses.  He has gone through a few pair over the years and has changed styles with the times but I miss seeing them sitting around and him wearing them. I remember when he first went into the hospital that we kept asking him if we should bring his glasses back to the hospital to help him see stuff.   We never brought them back.  They were brand new RayBan glasses so nice and stylish.  I hold them sometimes and just cry.  I miss seeing them on his face.  I miss the kids trying to get them.
6. The buzz of my dad's hearing aid. When the batteries were going there would be a buzzing or a beep from his hearing aid.  I remember on a few occasions I would be looking all over the house for what was beeping.  Then finally my mom would come in and tell me it was my dad's hearing aid, he would be just sitting there smiling.  I miss that sound.  It meant he was close by.  It was comforting to hear it and we would all have a laugh about it.  Then he would turn it off so it wouldn't buzz and he could ignore us all.
7. Talking about the Leafs.  We could talk forever about why they were going to be good and how come they were so terrible.  He knew all my favorite players and I knew who he liked.  We would talk late at night after a big game and chat about the leafs.  A couple times we watched the game late at night together on the phone.  When I was little he would let me stay up and watch the games with him and I would re-enact the plays in our living room, Show him the great save or show him how I would celebrate that goal.  He would sit, smile, laugh and take it all in. 
8. Sitting with my dad.  I miss just being around him.  Sitting in the family room next to him.  Or sitting in a car for a ride.  I loved driving my dad around in his Cadillac.  It was one of the best memories I have.  He would sit and relax and talk to me.  He would ask me stuff and we would chat.  I could sit next to him for a lifetime and talk about everything.  Sometimes when I am driving around I put my hand on the passenger seat and think about my dad sitting there.  Think about him looking out the window or asking me about my life.  I try and imagine him just being silent and with me even now as I drive alone.
9. Being there.  I miss my dad just being there for me.  I never ever felt like I was a burden on him.  He was always so happy to do anything for me.  I don't know anyone that took as much joy as he did in doing things for other people.  He would do things with no questions asked.  He would be there in a flash.  Time and distance was never an issue.  I miss the security of knowing that I always had someone to turn to and lean on.  Someone that would catch me if I ever fell.  I hope that in the last years my dad felt that I was that to him as well.  I was there for him in a second and do anything.  I know he still felt like he was a burden to me for things but he was a joy.  I worked so hard to see him happy.  There were so many times I had to call him late at night when my car broke down.  I never felt bad about calling him and I he never made me feel bad for coming to help.  He was such an amazing dad.
10. My dad's voice. To hear his voice on the other end of the phone was so comforting.  I loved it.  I long for it.  Sometimes when I lose myself and forget for that split moment he is gone I think he is going to call and I am going to get to hear his voice again.  Throughout the day I look at the phone and hope he calls.  I know he won't be calling but I dream about the days he would call me.  Even when my mom calls, there is that split second I pick up the phone and expect him to be there.  Sometimes in the car I would listen to him talk and it was nice.   He used to tell all these stories that I have heard about a million times, he would sit in his chair and talk.  Even when I wasn't listening to the stories I was listening to his voice.  Sometimes I would go do other things but I would still be listening.  There is no where to go now to hear it.  To hear my dad say "Hey Mills".  I miss him so much.

These are the things I miss about my dad.  They are the specifics but there is the bigger thing of just seeing him.  Just watching him walk in the door at our house.  Just walking into his house to see him sitting at the kitchen table.  I just can't believe this life is going on and I don't have my dad.  As time passed my dad and I were a team to get the big stuff done.  I loved helping him.  Now I don't have that person to lean on.  It seems people are more expecting stuff from me than supporting me.  I guess that is how my dad felt.  I look at pictures and miss him so much.  I wish I had more moments with him. I try and feel his embrace or his hand on my shoulder, the feel of his shirt when we hugged, but the moments are so fleeting.  There is nothing but a void.  It isn't something you get over, it is something that is with you for the rest of my life.  I will always miss my dad, every second of this life I will wish  my dad was here.  I miss him beyond this life and whatever comes hereafter.  

It breaks me apart to know that Quinn and Ronin will not get a chance to truly have this great man fill their hearts like he filled mine.  They will never truly know how much love their Aaja had in his heart just for them.  A place he kept safe his whole life just for the 2 perfect little pieces to fill in.  He never got to enjoy it as long as he should have.

I love you dad, you will always be in my heart and in my soul.  My heart will always long for you.  You are, and will always be, the greatest man I have ever known, and my hero.

Sharing Moments & Needing Help

I have been having a tough time lately reaching out to anyone.  It seems I have it set in my head to talk about me and how I am struggling with family/friends when I meet them but the conversation turns into how they miss my dad so much.  I reach out to people online (text, bbm, email) and get support that way but it isn't the same as sitting with someone and letting it all out.

People ask me how I am but almost before I respond they are off talking about how much they are hurting.  I listen and support but it is wearing on me.  I can't be everything to people now, they are looking for my dad in me to help them and as much as I would love to do that, I can't.  My dad meant the world to me, as everyone knows, and I am having such a hard time not having him around.  I used to dote on my dad all the time.  I used to love to get him things, do stuff for him, and see his smiling face.  That face brought joy to my very soul.  To make this man, that gave everything to everyone else, smile.  It was my piece of heaven.  That is all gone.  I like to see the kids smile and other people, but not as much as my dad.  To work as long as he did for everyone he loved and then to get joy just for himself was amazing.  I loved him so much.  I guarantee I loved him more than anyone, except my mom.  I don't care what anyone says.  I talked to him everyday and sat with him every week to chat.  Now what do I do?  I don't have anyone to turn to that will support me like my dad.  I don't have anyone that will light up my soul the way my dad did.

I was thinking this week that I never knew how hard it was to miss someone so much and not be able to tell them.  Anyone I have missed in the past I could get the opportunity that I miss them.  Not with my dad. I miss him the most and can't tell him.  People say they that he knows but that is of little consolation now.

Everything seems to be turning inwards.  I don't feel as comfortable telling people how I feel as much as I do just feeling it on my own.  I find I have to be on my own to talk about my dad.

Today my mom and I did our whole yard and got it ready for winter. The picture above was my handy work a couple years ago. It was nice to do and keep busy outside. We chopped and trimmed the tree's.  We mowed the lawn.  It was great time with my mom and I am sure we both were thinking that we wish my dad was here.  I especially wanted my dad to see me do these things that he never saw me do.  Pruning a tree?  Milan?  He would say something like "You did what?"  I wish he could have seen me do it.  We did it all and every step of the way I wanted to break into tears because my dad should have been there.  It was all too familiar but all so different.  My mom in her yard clothes, the tools across the lawn, my dad's Cadillac in the driveway with the trunk open.  It was all how it was, except my dad was gone.  I trimmed one tree and got a little Edward Scissorhands with he trimmer.  When my mom looked up all the leaves were gone... I thought in my head that my dad would have had a good laugh he would have said "I thought Mills was going to start trimming the Cadillac next".  We got the top of one of our trees that my parents couldn't get last year because we didn't have a ladder then.  When we were all done and all the stuff put away it really hit me.  I took my dad for granted, all the stuff he did, and now he is gone and I can't show him that I can do these things. I know if I had told him that I can do it he would have told me "What are fathers for?"  They are to love, they are to hold on to so that you are safe, they are to look up to and dream someday to be just half the man he was.  They aren't for yard work.  I sure miss the times that I sat and laughed with my dad.  It was some of the best times.  He enjoyed giving me a hard time.  I miss that so much.  I remember sitting with him on the front step chatting about the yard and then about cars.  He was in a rush to leave because he thought I had somewhere better to be.  I told him I have time, to sit and rest.  He never wanted to be a burden to me and he never was, ever.  He was exactly the opposite.  Think of someone that was an extreme burden on everything you did, and he was exactly the opposite.

The other day I pulled into the garage at my parents house (it will always be both of theirs house) with the Cadillac.  It was raining so the wipers were going.  My dad has a ball that hangs that tells him when he is in the garage.  Needless to say Mr. Ball met Mr. Wipers and Mr. Ball went flying.  It was so funny.  All I could think about was how my dad would have laughed so hard to see that.  But he isn't here.  I can't call him to tell him.  I don't have anyone that would appreciate it like him.

All these moments are happening and I don't have my best friend next to me to share them.  I played hockey tonight and scored a few goals.  As I skated by the bench after the goals my team was giving me a lot of grief about showing no emotion and said I didn't care.  I didn't say anything.  They don't understand that a goal or two in a recreation league means nothing when the one thing I want more than anything in my life is gone.  After the game I left, got back to the car and just cried.

I miss you so much dad.