People ask me how I am but almost before I respond they are off talking about how much they are hurting. I listen and support but it is wearing on me. I can't be everything to people now, they are looking for my dad in me to help them and as much as I would love to do that, I can't. My dad meant the world to me, as everyone knows, and I am having such a hard time not having him around. I used to dote on my dad all the time. I used to love to get him things, do stuff for him, and see his smiling face. That face brought joy to my very soul. To make this man, that gave everything to everyone else, smile. It was my piece of heaven. That is all gone. I like to see the kids smile and other people, but not as much as my dad. To work as long as he did for everyone he loved and then to get joy just for himself was amazing. I loved him so much. I guarantee I loved him more than anyone, except my mom. I don't care what anyone says. I talked to him everyday and sat with him every week to chat. Now what do I do? I don't have anyone to turn to that will support me like my dad. I don't have anyone that will light up my soul the way my dad did.
I was thinking this week that I never knew how hard it was to miss someone so much and not be able to tell them. Anyone I have missed in the past I could get the opportunity that I miss them. Not with my dad. I miss him the most and can't tell him. People say they that he knows but that is of little consolation now.
Everything seems to be turning inwards. I don't feel as comfortable telling people how I feel as much as I do just feeling it on my own. I find I have to be on my own to talk about my dad.
Today my mom and I did our whole yard and got it ready for winter. The picture above was my handy work a couple years ago. It was nice to do and keep busy outside. We chopped and trimmed the tree's. We mowed the lawn. It was great time with my mom and I am sure we both were thinking that we wish my dad was here. I especially wanted my dad to see me do these things that he never saw me do. Pruning a tree? Milan? He would say something like "You did what?" I wish he could have seen me do it. We did it all and every step of the way I wanted to break into tears because my dad should have been there. It was all too familiar but all so different. My mom in her yard clothes, the tools across the lawn, my dad's Cadillac in the driveway with the trunk open. It was all how it was, except my dad was gone. I trimmed one tree and got a little Edward Scissorhands with he trimmer. When my mom looked up all the leaves were gone... I thought in my head that my dad would have had a good laugh he would have said "I thought Mills was going to start trimming the Cadillac next". We got the top of one of our trees that my parents couldn't get last year because we didn't have a ladder then. When we were all done and all the stuff put away it really hit me. I took my dad for granted, all the stuff he did, and now he is gone and I can't show him that I can do these things. I know if I had told him that I can do it he would have told me "What are fathers for?" They are to love, they are to hold on to so that you are safe, they are to look up to and dream someday to be just half the man he was. They aren't for yard work. I sure miss the times that I sat and laughed with my dad. It was some of the best times. He enjoyed giving me a hard time. I miss that so much. I remember sitting with him on the front step chatting about the yard and then about cars. He was in a rush to leave because he thought I had somewhere better to be. I told him I have time, to sit and rest. He never wanted to be a burden to me and he never was, ever. He was exactly the opposite. Think of someone that was an extreme burden on everything you did, and he was exactly the opposite.
The other day I pulled into the garage at my parents house (it will always be both of theirs house) with the Cadillac. It was raining so the wipers were going. My dad has a ball that hangs that tells him when he is in the garage. Needless to say Mr. Ball met Mr. Wipers and Mr. Ball went flying. It was so funny. All I could think about was how my dad would have laughed so hard to see that. But he isn't here. I can't call him to tell him. I don't have anyone that would appreciate it like him.
All these moments are happening and I don't have my best friend next to me to share them. I played hockey tonight and scored a few goals. As I skated by the bench after the goals my team was giving me a lot of grief about showing no emotion and said I didn't care. I didn't say anything. They don't understand that a goal or two in a recreation league means nothing when the one thing I want more than anything in my life is gone. After the game I left, got back to the car and just cried.
I miss you so much dad.
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