Why are we here? What is Life about?

It has been a struggle lately understanding what is the point of life if everyone dies. There are tonnes of quotes that talk about the moments and the quality but in the end what is the purpose? I have been so angry lately and yelling when I am home alone. Yelling so loud that my voice goes hoarse. I am angry that my dad is gone. I am angry I didn't live my life to the fullest when he was here. I am angry other people have their dad. There is so much negative feelings running around my head. My mind is so overloaded with trying to make sense of everything that there are times I feel like I am falling apart.

So why are we here? For me, I was here to raise two kids, share my life with Brenda, be friends with my sister, and make my parents (mostly my dad) proud. That is the way I had structured my life. There were a lot of other little things in there but these were the pillars. Doing these things made me happy and gave my life purpose. Now that my dad is gone, there is a missing purpose in my life. I feel like the purpose of my life, the pillars, were a whole and not individual part. Since I can't make my dad proud, and get the positive reinforcement from him, then the whole thing is not valid. The missing parts are taking over everything. It makes it more difficult because the part of life that were my parents is gone. My dad has passed and my mom is no longer whole. Those two things together, my dad being gone and my mom heartbroken, has made me question how am I supposed to live life.

My plan is gone. I don't know what I am supposed to do here. Quinn and Ronin need me but I am hardly a father lately as I can barely mentally cope with taking care of myself. That being said, I know I need to pull together because they deserve as good, if not better, life than I had. I refer to a better life than me because I think in the end that is what my dad would want. A progression of improvement of life quality. He had very little growing up, I feel I had all I wanted, and I would want Quinn and Ronin to have even more.

So people ask me what my dad would say or tell me. I know he would tell me "It's Ok Mills", "You have to try Mills" but it isn't the same as him being here. I know he would want me to live my life well and take care of the kids, but it isn't the same as him being here. Sometimes we take for granted knowing something and hearing it. We don't say the things we should because it is known. I think I said the things I wanted to my dad in the hospital and through life but I can't remember all the things that I wanted to hear from him. I know them without a doubt but hearing it would make it even better. So I try to get up in the morning, I try to do things that make me seem useful and try to get back to somewhat of a routine even if it feels empty beyond words. I hold Ronin a little tighter, I squeeze Quinn a little longer, but it feels like an act. They have the saying that you fake it before you make it. I guess I am taking that route and hoping for the best but it isn't easy. Even faking it takes so much energy that it is beyond me. I find myself going places and planning an escape route if my emotions get the better of me. It is hard to live like this but hoping it gets better.

My dad was this amazing man. He gave me everything he had. He gave his family everything he had. He wasn't selfish and he never held back. I hope wherever he is, he knows I think he was the greatest man I have ever known.

I remember mornings driving to the GO station to catch my train, I would drive by my parents street everyday in the hopes that I would see my dad. Some mornings I would be lucky enough to see him pulling out in his Cadillac and I hope he could see how happy I was to be with him, even if it was in two separate cars. Just the sight of him and his presence brought so much joy and calmness to me. It was inspiring. I would race to catch up to him and be along side his car as long as I could. Even with other cars honking I would stay along side him and wave like I was 5 years old. It made the day a little better seeing him.

Now that he is gone, I have a void. I am not sure how life should be, where I go from here. Can I survive this pain and will my mom be ok. It all seems like too much from one heart to take. I will do my best to forge on but feel like I continue to fall and force myself to get back up. I worry that sometimes I don't feel like getting back up.

My Father

As most of you know, I lost my father on July 13th, 2011 at 12:13 am. It was after a long battle (8 weeks) in the hospital and so many miracles. He meant the world to us. My mom, Kanch, Brenda and the kids (Quinn and Ronin) are crushed. I can't speak about the pain my mom is going through because that is her experience and I couldn't accurately capture it here but I know that her experience is similar to mine. I know this because the things she tells me she is worried about and upset about are similar to mine.

It has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I struggle every morning with despair of missing my dad. He was a great guy. Anyone that knew him would agree he was just an amazing man. Everyone has regrets when a loved one passes. My regrets started even before my dad passed. During the first 2 weeks in the hospital I was very aware of the relationship I had with my dad that had gone on for so long with out my conscious notice of it. The connection I had with him and the things I wanted him to tell me became clear. He is and will always be my hero. I prayed and hoped desperately for him to get better so that I could have another chance to live my life with my best friend. Show him all that I have learned but that wasn't to be.

I wrote, and continue to write, notes to him. Originally I was going to share them with him when he got better but now I do it to organize my mind/heart. I still wish there was a way he could see them.

Brenda and I have had so many problems with cars lately and that is a constant reminder that my dad isn't around. He was always my go to guy for cars. He was the only person in this world I could ask anything to without feeling like a burden. It is tough to live life without that safety. When our car broke down outside Peterborough it almost totally broke me. I hadn't called my dad to bail me out of a jam with cars in almost 5 years and then a couple weeks after his passing I need him. He would have drove to Peterborough for me right away with a plan, no matter what time of night. He was always there for me.

Someone described to me that losing a parent is a club that you never want to be in but something that you have with these other people. Right now I feel like the only person in the world that lost my father. They say that in fact I am. I am the only Milan that lost his Dad, Gooruduth (Greg). My experiences with my dad are different from everyone else so my grieving will be different. That being said the cycle is the same but the content is different for everyone.

My dad was this great man that dropped everything when he was in his 20's to support his whole family. Put one brother through medical school and continue to help his family to the day he passed. I don't know how a man can give up so much. Everyone that has ever met him would say he was a distinguished man that was a pleasure to be around. People would also comment on how proper and disciplined he was. What people don't know is he melted when Quinn and Ronin were around. Playing Hide & Seek with them, chasing them around, getting them whatever they wanted and most of all a place they could run and get comfort.

One of the hardest parts of losing my dad is the impact to my kids. Ronin has told me he misses him but not for himself as much as for me. He wants his Aaja back so his daddy isn't sad. He told me he will do anything to bring Aaja back for Christmas because Aaja loves Christmas. Quinn is another story, she is going to people she normally doesn't and seems to be searching for Aaja but can't find him. It must be torture to be so heartbroken and not be able to tell Brenda or I. I feel for her.

Days have been tough to not have my dad. The day to day is manageable but the feeling of foreverness is unbearable at times. I will never have him around again. No hugs, No kisses, No laughing voice. I will live the rest of my life without my father. That is a tough thing to face because I am not sure I have the strength to face the pain when it comes, and from what everyone says it will come, for the rest of my life.

My dad never had the chance to tell me his last words and I feel cheated. He had a vent tube in for the last 6 weeks in hospital and desperately tried to communicate with me. He used to try so hard to talk and get so tired trying. I told him that I love him, and I know he loves me. I told him I know he is proud of me and he loves Quinn and Ronin. I told him I will take care of mom. I told him he was my hero. I told him all these things but never got a chance to hear his voice and know what he was thinking. I can think of the things he would say but not hearing it isn't the same.

I will continue to write here because I know people are concerned about me and this will help me think out my thoughts and also give people insight to what I am going through

Hong Kong & Singapore

We made the trip around the other side of the world to Sal and Julianne's wedding in Singapore. 20 hours flying time. It was grueling both going there and coming back. It just isn't right to be couped up on a plane that long. The trip from Toronto to Hong Kong was 16 hours. That is the 12 longest flight in the world and it felt like it. On the way back it took us 3 different planes and 30 hours of travel time to make it back.

However, in between those plane trips and the 4 different places we stayed at it was a great trip and got a chance to see places that I am sure we didn't think we would. Hong Kong was just an amazing place and it was great to spend time with Sal & Juls in Singapore and especially being part of the wedding. The weather was great. A couple of points of rain but over all it was HOT! We kept ourselves busy and made sure we spent the time to see the things we wanted to.

We missed the kids horribly and we are so fortunate that we were able to Skype with them so much and just loved seeing them. The 12 hour time difference made it tough but at least we didn't have to change our clocks!! The kids had an amazing time with their Grammy, Mick, Auntie Aisling, Auntie Anna, Auntie Sue and Auntie Nead, along with all their cousins. They had power packed days and just had a blast. We are so fortunate that everyone in London was able to take the time to look after them. That being said, they didn't just look after them, they fully entertained them! That is a whole different class of work effort! Their Aaji and Aaja even made a trip from Brampton to London to see them. Either way we are glad to have them now home with us.

Pictures of the trip have been posted at: www.brelan.ca/2010_hk_singapore

December...

A lot of time has past since our last post. It is hard to recall everything that has happened. I will try and recall from the start. This will be the December post, then will do a Birthday post, and then maybe an "Our Life" post... not quite sure what that means...

December... The big thing that happened in December is Quinn was in the hospital. Sadly, this is what we remember. It is hard to recall the fun we had in the Dominican...

Ronin's first plane ride, having fun with Nead mosi...

Quinn pushing Ronin around the resort

Fun on the beach...

Slides & fun in the pool....

The group shot...

It is hard to recall the kids visit with Santa...

Or Christmas....

We remember that our little princess was very very sick and in the hospital leading up to Christmas and we didn't know if she would be out in time for Christmas. Luckily she was able to get out but we had a nurse coming to the house for the next approximately 2 weeks. That process didn't go as well as we wanted and Brenda still had to take Quinn to the hospital more than a few times. She had a total of 6 IV sites used and every single time it didn't last as long as it should have.

We were all so scared for Quinn when she was in the hospital. It was an unbelievable amount of fear. No one can imagine the feelings unless you have had a child go through it. The part that makes it so tough is that she can't tell us if she is feeling better, if something hurts, if she is feeling worse.... We slept in the hospital and Brenda and I saw each other for only about 2 hours each day just in passing, because Ronin was also not feeling well. We were actually so lucky that the doctor that was on call decided to send her to the hospital and we are lucky that we live in Brampton because of all the people that travel to India they do blood cultures routinely. That blood culture possibly saved Quinn's life. Quinny was such a trooper in the hospital, she let them take her temperature, she tolerated being confined to a little cage and also not being able to leave her room because she was in quarantine. It was truly unbelievable how well she tolerated everything.

We did the best we could and the moment Quinn walked out the doors of the hospital to go home, it made us feel like this was going to be ok. We really can't recall the last time she was that truly happy.....

The superficial thing that we were pretty sad about was that this was Ronin's first Christmas and it was December 22nd and we didn't even have a tree up... We rushed to get them to see Santa, to get the decorations up and to make it more of a merry place!

We really didn't have time to get them all the presents we wanted but we made the most of it. Luckily they are loved so much by their grand parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. They really got spoiled and loved every minute of it!

We had specific cute outfits for both the kids but sadly we couldn't put Quinn's on because nothing would fit over the IV stuff. Again, we just did the best we could and think they both had a great time. It is funny that we say making Christmas special is superficial because we sadly were reminded of what is truly important. All we wanted, and continue to want is Quinn to be healthy. We saw many families making a big deal about Christmas and working so hard to get everything just right. Many people say they know what is truly important but unless you have what is truly important in jeopardy, there is no way you can appreciate the things that matter. Anyways, this isn't a forum for us to pass judgement on the world. Back to Christmas... We had every thought that Ronin would love Santa and Quinn would be suspicious of him.... As you can see by the picture above, we got that one wrong. Quinn was great with Santa and was so excited to see him, and Ronin was... well, a little mama's boy. However, he braved it and went to see Santa too. We think Ronin had a great 1st Christmas... despite the look they have on their faces below..

For New Years, we had Pat and Mike over and put the kids to bed and had a New Years pajama party at our house. Lots of fun. We played some Wii, had a lot of laughs, good food, and rang in the new year.

That is December... Oops almost forgot the fact that Quinn gave Brenda a nice shiner!!!! There are no Peas with that Black Eye!!

Halloween and more!!

Ronin had his first Halloween this past week and we have posted pictures on the website at http://www.brelan.ca/

The pictures are under Ronin because it is his first one.... we couldn't steal his thunder. Even though the majority of the pictures revolve around Quinn!

This past couple months seem to have flown by. It is hard to believe that all the sunlight in the evening is gone and that Christmas is just around the corner.

In preparation for Quinn's Halloween costume we decided to have a look at what Quinn looked like with her hair down. It is funny but she is just like her Aaji and Nead mosi, in that we don't see any of them with their hair down very often. Below is a picture of Quinn with her hair down... both Brenda and I had to take a second look at her... almost like a totally different child!!! Still so cute.

Ronin has really taken to getting himself in all kind of different areas now that he is crawling and pulling up on so many things. We were having dinner and then looked down and saw the little monkey making a visit.... Looks like he is in a fish tank. He sure loves his new sense of mobility!

Ronin has also started to venture onto some of Quinn's favorite stuff.... like the trampoline!! As you can see he doesn't need a tutorial to use it. He has seen his big sister show him how to do it long enough!! As you can also see.... Quinn is no where in sight!!

Not to be outdone, Quinn has really kicked up her creativity to find new ways to climb things that have been in our house for a long time... namely the high chair! She decided to relocate the piano stool over by the high chair and then climb up on that and then on the tray on the high chair. This is the best picture we have because it was only Brenda and Quinn around and Brenda didn't want to put too much space between Quinn and her in case the high chair gave way!

We can only imagine what the next few months hold for all of us.....

Thanksgiving Pictures

Kanch took some amazing pictures during Thanksgiving in Brampton this past weekend. They are posted on the website:

http://www.brelan.ca/

Above is one great family shot!!

Thanks Kanch!!

Lion Safari, Teeth, Cottage, Fantasy Fair, and more!

It is hard to believe that the summer is winding down. We are not sure what we are going to do when the weather isn't good enough to go outside. Our kids are liked caged dogs just waiting to be released outdoors. Quinn wants to get out there and outside is a quick settler for Ronin. There are a few pictures on the blog but a whole mess of new ones are on the website: http://www.brelan.ca/

Quinn and Ronin made their first trip to African Lion Safari. The both had such a great time being outside and seeing all the animals. I don't think I realized that Brenda had such a fear of petting zoos... but I will leave it at that..... Quinn was in awe in the game reserve seeing all the animals. We had lots of help with us as Sue, Jade, Rylan, Jackson, Izzy, and Grammy all made the long trip from London to come and hang out with us for the day. It was a great day. Very warm but all the kids had a great time. They even all got tattoos as you can see below, they all show a different part of their personalities.

Before heading out we were able to grab a family shot.... I guess Ronin and Quinn are looking at something better.... even more pics at http://www.brelan.ca/

Ronin recently just got his next pair of teeth on the top. It is crazy to think that Quinn 8 teeth by now compared to Ronin who only has 4.

Don't worry little guy.... you are still our little rock star!!!

As a family we did get a chance to get a cottage in Grand Bend with Deb and Dom. It wasn't your traditional cottage. Definitely had more of a home feel. Which was nice either way. Pictures from the cottage are at: http://www.brelan.ca/

We have been meaning to take Quinn to the Fantasy Fair and we finally made the trip. I actually took a ditch day (vacation day) so that we would be there with no crowds. It was well worth it. Quinn had pretty much the run of the place and really enjoyed it. She even made a couple trips on the bumper boats!!! More pictures are at http://www.brelan.ca/

Before we wrap this post up, just thought we would show you Quinn's idea of redecorating our hallway with toilet paper..... not sure we love the look.....

ALL ABOARD!!!

We decided to get Quinn a little a present to enjoy.
Both Brenda and I were jealous of little Ricky Schroder in Silver Spoons because of the train he had. When we had the chance to give Quinn a version of that we jumped at it.

Here is the result!!