Why are we here? What is Life about?

It has been a struggle lately understanding what is the point of life if everyone dies. There are tonnes of quotes that talk about the moments and the quality but in the end what is the purpose? I have been so angry lately and yelling when I am home alone. Yelling so loud that my voice goes hoarse. I am angry that my dad is gone. I am angry I didn't live my life to the fullest when he was here. I am angry other people have their dad. There is so much negative feelings running around my head. My mind is so overloaded with trying to make sense of everything that there are times I feel like I am falling apart.

So why are we here? For me, I was here to raise two kids, share my life with Brenda, be friends with my sister, and make my parents (mostly my dad) proud. That is the way I had structured my life. There were a lot of other little things in there but these were the pillars. Doing these things made me happy and gave my life purpose. Now that my dad is gone, there is a missing purpose in my life. I feel like the purpose of my life, the pillars, were a whole and not individual part. Since I can't make my dad proud, and get the positive reinforcement from him, then the whole thing is not valid. The missing parts are taking over everything. It makes it more difficult because the part of life that were my parents is gone. My dad has passed and my mom is no longer whole. Those two things together, my dad being gone and my mom heartbroken, has made me question how am I supposed to live life.

My plan is gone. I don't know what I am supposed to do here. Quinn and Ronin need me but I am hardly a father lately as I can barely mentally cope with taking care of myself. That being said, I know I need to pull together because they deserve as good, if not better, life than I had. I refer to a better life than me because I think in the end that is what my dad would want. A progression of improvement of life quality. He had very little growing up, I feel I had all I wanted, and I would want Quinn and Ronin to have even more.

So people ask me what my dad would say or tell me. I know he would tell me "It's Ok Mills", "You have to try Mills" but it isn't the same as him being here. I know he would want me to live my life well and take care of the kids, but it isn't the same as him being here. Sometimes we take for granted knowing something and hearing it. We don't say the things we should because it is known. I think I said the things I wanted to my dad in the hospital and through life but I can't remember all the things that I wanted to hear from him. I know them without a doubt but hearing it would make it even better. So I try to get up in the morning, I try to do things that make me seem useful and try to get back to somewhat of a routine even if it feels empty beyond words. I hold Ronin a little tighter, I squeeze Quinn a little longer, but it feels like an act. They have the saying that you fake it before you make it. I guess I am taking that route and hoping for the best but it isn't easy. Even faking it takes so much energy that it is beyond me. I find myself going places and planning an escape route if my emotions get the better of me. It is hard to live like this but hoping it gets better.

My dad was this amazing man. He gave me everything he had. He gave his family everything he had. He wasn't selfish and he never held back. I hope wherever he is, he knows I think he was the greatest man I have ever known.

I remember mornings driving to the GO station to catch my train, I would drive by my parents street everyday in the hopes that I would see my dad. Some mornings I would be lucky enough to see him pulling out in his Cadillac and I hope he could see how happy I was to be with him, even if it was in two separate cars. Just the sight of him and his presence brought so much joy and calmness to me. It was inspiring. I would race to catch up to him and be along side his car as long as I could. Even with other cars honking I would stay along side him and wave like I was 5 years old. It made the day a little better seeing him.

Now that he is gone, I have a void. I am not sure how life should be, where I go from here. Can I survive this pain and will my mom be ok. It all seems like too much from one heart to take. I will do my best to forge on but feel like I continue to fall and force myself to get back up. I worry that sometimes I don't feel like getting back up.