2 months ago today I lost my dad. I miss him so much. He went into the hospital on May 21st so it has been 4 months since I saw my dad walking around and I miss him.
What has happened in the last 2 months? It has been a blur. Celebrated his 74th birthday without him. Celebrated my parents 42nd Wedding Anniversary without him. Celebrated Brenda's birthday without him. Quinn had her first day of school without him. All these things happened without my father. Life just keeps going on but I don't have my dad. Some days I feel I can do this but lately it has been a slide backwards. Lots of tears and wishing my dad was here.
One of my dad's friends described my father not as a man but more of a vital life force. That is what he was to me. The life force behind who I am. People describe my life when they try to help as I have Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, my mom, Kanch, Friends, other Family, my work, my health, and my Dad. They say these are all the components of my life and I need to focus on the other components now that my dad is gone. It isn't like that at all, the layout of my life isn't correct. My dad was integrated into everything. My relationship with Quinn and Ronin as a father is defined by my father. My relationship with my mom and Kanch is defined by my dad as the leader of the family. I work because of the example my dad set and look to make him proud. All the other things, including Brenda, are interactions with me, and I am no longer whole. It is like my dad and I were two lenses. When they are together the vision is clear, without one and everything is distorted and not as it should be. I can't see anymore. I can't see life anymore and I am scared.
Ronin wasn't feeling well so he stayed home with me. He did his best to cheer me up and he is so full of life. I think he deserves more than a father that is so broken. Quinn is screaming for more attention and I just can't give her all that I used to. Every morning I take her to the bus and watch her drive away and cry. I look around me, up to the sky, on the rooftops, for some sign of my dad. I ask him to keep her safe and that I miss him so much and wish he was standing next to me.
I have all these visions of my dad when he was with me. Things he would say, how he would feel, what he would do, and it hurts so much to know I will never see him again. I played hockey last night for the first time since before my dad got sick. I was dreading it. Even sitting in the parking lot I was debating not going in and just going home. I didn't want to face the people that knew my dad was gone. I didn't think I had the fortitude to make an effort to play. I did go in. I didn't say anything to anyone. They offered their condolences saying that it was terrible and that my dad was a bit on the young side. I couldn't even muster a word of response. I went on the ice and played. I was tired and whenever I was on the bench I looked up to the stands and remembered all that time my dad spent with me at arena's. I remember him standing there with his eyes locked on me. He gave me the most inspirational words when I didn't think I could do things in hockey. I always felt him close and it helped me try things I didn't think I could do. I sat there last night looking up into the stands and tears running down my face. Wishing my dad was there. Wishing he was still cheering me on. He used to cheer me on even when I was on the bench. How does one person make you feel so strong and safe? How does one person make you believe anything is possible? Now that he is gone I am weak and unsafe. Without him I don't believe anything is possible.
I know he would want me to go on with life. He would want me to not worry about him. He would want me to pick up the pieces of my life and lead everyone forward. I have to do it but everything still feels so painful. I could never not worry about my dad. In the last few years I took great pride in making sure my dad was OK. I liked nurturing my father to make sure he had everything he wanted and he was happy. I wanted to make sure he had a drink or that he was comfortable. I didn't like hearing he wanted anything he didn't have. When he went to the hospital I had to be there. I had to make sure he had everything he needed. I had to make sure he came home. When he passed I feel I lost my friend, my father, my protector, but also I let him down. I was also protecting and nurturing him and I didn't keep him safe. My whole life he kept his end of the bargain of keeping me safe but I didn't keep up my part when it mattered most.
He wouldn't want me to be sad about him being gone, but he didn't want me to worry about him when he was here. I still did. I remember all the times that we were out or doing something and there was a lot of walking and he told me to just go on ahead. I told him I am not leaving you. I told him you were my dad and I am not leaving you. He never would want to burden anyone and he never did. Our pain is not the result of a burden he left but more of a love lost.
I miss you dad. I try to have positive days and move forward but the more the motion of life moves forward the more pain I have. It is like life is pulling me away from my dad and I am scared. I don't want to move away from him, I want to move closer. In the terrible times during the day I hold my hand and try to squeeze it the way he did. I try and think about the comfort he tried to give him from his hospital bed. I try and hold on. I try desperately to hold on to my dad. Anything that I can do to bring him closer but it doesn't work and I feel so hurt not having him around. I just want to live this life again with my dad. I am looking for some comfort and there is nothing or no one that can support me where my dad did. I felt I could do anything with my dad around. I have to find my way in this life alone now, no more will I have the life force behind me. The lens is distorted.
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