I have been having a hard time remembering my dad without longing and missing him. It isn't a kind and gentle longing for him. It is a gut wrenching, knee buckling heart break that comes when I see pictures, imagine him hugging me, smell him. That is the hard part of the process. Someone told me that you don't "get over" losing a parent, especially one that you loved so much. You learn to cope with life without them. When I first heard that I felt so discouraged. It was something I knew and told people. I always said I could never not miss my dad. He was the single most important person that shaped the person I am today. He was beyond a best friend and beyond a father. How could I "get over" him? When I heard that you learn to cope I started to think that is exactly what I am struggling with. Coping. People say that you will learn to live and cope, even if you don't want to because you have no choice. I am definitely taking the "kicking and screaming" route of grief. I really don't want to learn to live without my dad. I want him back, I miss him, I love him, I need him. I cry all the time because I am struggling to come to terms with the loss of him.
Since my dad has passed I feel that death is all around me. Close people have lost loved ones. Very tragically. It seems that every where I turn there is death. I was first thinking that it was coincidental, then I started thinking that it was always around me. I was just not understanding the magnitude and impact of it. People were dying. I kept living because I was ignorant to how it impacts the people that care about that person that had to leave. I never really talked about death with my dad because I was clueless. I knew life was cruel and life was tragic but I never thought about the finality of death. When you are ignorant to it you say "Life is harsh" "There are no reasons why things happen in Life". When you are aware you say things like "Death is horrible" "There are no reasons why people die". It is a different view. Previously I was looking at life going forward and now I am forced to see it from the end looking back. From a death point of view. It makes me feel so out of control. So lost and not able to understand the world. I understand it is a part of life but is it all we have? When I look back on my dad's life is that all there is or has his life taken a new form? Is he somewhere near me? Is there proof my dad is around me? Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Is he happy and at peace? Does he long to hold Quinn and Ronin? I don't know. I really don't know. There is no comfort for me. I think I could maybe move forward if I knew my dad was somewhere else but at peace and happy. I just don't know how that is possible that he could be somewhere without me and happy. He loved me. He really loved me so much. I saw it in his eyes and he would never not want to be with me. There is no easing that loss. What is death? Is it an end or a beginning? I don't know. Is there a way to know for sure? Everyone tells me that you have to go through this life and you won't know for sure so you have the choice to either believe or not believe and wouldn't you have a better life if you believed? I think so but my brain isn't wired like that, I struggle to believe in something that I can't be sure of. People said I believed in my dad when there were all kinds of signs he wasn't doing well in the hospital. I told them I know but I believed in him with all my heart. He was going to be the one that did the unthinkable. He was going to come home with me. Now that he is gone I don't know what to believe in. If he is just gone then I am heart broken. If he is somewhere else then I am also heart broken but there is hope. These thoughts maybe so jumbled but I welcome anyone to tell me their views. I am reaching out for help from whoever can give me just a little help.
My aunt Sham is here from South Africa. She planned this trip a long time ago and her focus was to come see my dad. When he got sick then the focus was to be here to lift him up to get better. Now that he is gone her focus is to support and help us anyway she can. It is amazing how things can change so fast. 3 months ago my dad and I were looking online for wheels for my car and now I am trying to make it through an hour without crying. Sham lost her husband about 10 years ago. She has been another inspiration to my mom. She understands the pain and she understands it in the way I think about it because she is similar to my dad and as a result similar to me. The anger and pain is something she feels. Last night we had everyone over to see Sham as well as see Uma and Soogni before they left. It was so nice that everyone, despite their differences, chatted, laughed, and were getting along like a big family. I sat there and just watched. I listened to the fullness of the house and felt the vacancy of my dad's voice. There hadn't been a gathering of that many of his family in a very long time and he wasn't there to see it. Everyone said he was there watching over all of us. I listened to his brothers and sisters talk with the same mannerisms as my dad and it was nice to remember him but so hard not to have him around. He really loved a full house of family. It was something he cherished. The get togethers he had was some of the happiest times I saw him. A few times last night I had to go to a private place and just cry. Cry harder than I have cried in a such a long time. It was like the new life without him was right in my face and I missed the life when he was getting me to help him serve drinks and hand out food. It is in his best times that I now have my worst. When he was at his glory I now wither away. It is a terrible contrast. As I write this the tears continue to flow.
Through some discussions it has come to light that there is a large amount of fear that I am dealing with. I would say that is pretty accurate. I am terrified. I am scared of trying to live without my dad. I am scared this pain will always be this bad. I am scared of never ever seeing him again. Somethings I can work on and somethings I have to accept. They all bring the fear. I am generally not a fearful person. I get nervous about things but generally push through it. There is some thought that my dad kept me protected my whole life and that I never got a chance to self actualize. Maybe that is true, I am not sure. I was pretty confident about who I was and the person I want to be. I am less confident with this grief but I don't think I am not self actualized. Then again the lost feeling and the vulnerability would lead me to believe that I am not self actualized. My dad played a bigger role as a friend in recent years and not a protector. I feel that Quinn forced me to actualize my life. Come to terms with the life I was leading. I don't know. I know I feel alone and vulnerable. I know I miss him and miss the reassurance he gave me that I was doing good things. Beyond that I can't figure it out.
As some people know, my dad's wish was to have his ashes spread over Albert Falls in South Africa. I made the promise to him a few times and will fulfill his wish. We did the prayer here for the majority of his ashes but a smaller portion I am taking to South Africa. I have finally booked my ticket and will be in South Africa for a total of 5 days. It will be a fast trip but as my aunt said, it is a mission and not a vacation. I am dreading the trip. Going to South Africa without my dad is going to be so difficult. The one place on this entire earth that I need my dad is South Africa. That was where he was home and I was lost. Now going back I am scared. I am going to the one place on earth he wanted to have his ashes spread and I have never been there. I am going there without him which isn't right. I really just want to get there and get out of there. I know there is a lot of family there that I normally would love to see but if I can get in and out of there without a total emotional breakdown then I will take that as a success. I know there are going to be a lot of moments of heart break, lots of tears but it is also a place that brought him a lot of joy. It is going to be like this new life without him is getting ready to kick me in the heart, repeatedly. I will try and take another moment during the prayer to say some words to my dad. Tell him how I have been doing and again tell him I love him beyond this world. I will try and manage but it feels like I have to say goodbye to him all over again. I have to suffer the loss of my father another time.
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