Never Enough

I have been thinking a lot of the life I had with my dad.  Talking with people of their perception of the relationship I had with my dad.   I remember all the time I spent with my dad.  How he always looked out for me.  I think about the times I would not hang out with my friends to go with my dad where ever he needed to go, if it was his office, to help my aunts/uncles, or even to just go to the store.  If he asked, I would go.  I loved being around my dad.

As I look back on these times I think it wasn't enough.  I especially think that when I got older I moved away from that.  I had my own life and didn't take enough time to do special things with him.  In fact it isn't the special things, it is the every day things.  Just going to the store with him. I would ask him a few times to go with him and he would tell me that I don't need to worry about it.  But I wanted to be with him.  I could sit in a car and chat with my dad forever.  We never got bored of sitting with each other.  I miss those times.  Brenda said that the relationship I had with my dad was easy.  It was so relaxed and comfortable.  That is so accurate.  It was like home sitting with him.  Now I don't have that place I can go and feel totally at home.
I think about the hugs we shared, I think about the kisses I gave him, the compliments and thanks I extended to him. It was all not enough.  There was always room to do more.  I don't think you could ever come to a place where doing nice things for the people you love is enough.  I could never see his happy face enough.
This week I realized that my dad never saw me play or practice football.  In the back of my mind I knew it but when he was around I never asked him why.  He saw almost every one of my hockey games and practices but not football. I wish he had. I loved playing sports and looking up to see him in the stands. It is one of my great memories of my dad growing up.  Seeing him cheer me on.  I used to get grief from my coaches when I was younger for looking in the stands at my dad instead of at them.  I used to tell my dad that I was more interested in what he was telling me then the coaches.

My dad made a comment at my wedding in his speech that I always wanted him in my life.  I am glad even back then he knew it. I always wanted to have him around.  In fact in recent years I got mad at my parents for not being around more.  I guess looking back I should savored the time I did have with them.
I have a hard time remembering the times I told my dad I loved him or the times we hugged.  I am sure it wasn't enough.  Brenda said we did that all the time, maybe because it happened all the time that is why I can't remember specific instances.  I definitely didn't sit and chat with him about important things enough.  Talk to him about what made him truly happy and what made him sad.  People said he was of the generation that you don't talk about that stuff.  Parents don't share that kinds of stuff with their children. I know my dad would have talked with me.
Days are so tough without my dad.  I am not sure if I am more upset about my dad missing me or upset about me missing my dad.  Am I sorry he can't be here or am I sorry I have to go on alone. Maybe there is no distinction and they are one and the same.  If I am worried that my dad is in a better place then, I am guessing, I think I am going to be fine.  If I am worried about what I do without him, then that is going to be a longer road.  I honestly don't know what it is.  When I think about special occasions I think about my dad not being there and how he would love it.  I also think about how much I miss him and how much it hurts.  The thoughts go together.

My mom shared with me that the weekend before my dad went into the hospital they took the kids to the park while we painted at our house.  On the way back both kids were too tired so my dad carried Ronin part of the way....  My mom said it was tough but he would take breaks.  It must have been so heart warming to have this little boy just wand to be in your arms so bad.  I know my dad must have loved it.  My parents and I have never been to the park together with the kids.  We should have gone.
There is so much I wanted to do with my dad.  People tell me to focus on the stuff we did do.  I try to but I am greedy I still want more.  I so badly want more time with my dad to do the stuff we enjoyed.  People tell me at least he got to meet his grand children. That isn't enough.  I wanted to him to see them grow up.  I wanted him to see Ronin's first hockey game and buy him his first hockey stick.  I wanted him to see Quinn play soccer in a league.  My dad loved sports and obviously that is where I get it from. I never played enough sports with him later in life.  I was always in a rush to something that really didn't matter.

My life is forever changed and I will do more of the things I want to with the people I care about.  Maybe that is why my dad did everything for everyone, because he didn't have a dad to lean on growing up so he wanted to be to everyone else what he never had.  He was the greatest man I have ever known. I love him so much.

Sharing Moments & Needing Help

I have been having a tough time lately reaching out to anyone.  It seems I have it set in my head to talk about me and how I am struggling with family/friends when I meet them but the conversation turns into how they miss my dad so much.  I reach out to people online (text, bbm, email) and get support that way but it isn't the same as sitting with someone and letting it all out.

People ask me how I am but almost before I respond they are off talking about how much they are hurting.  I listen and support but it is wearing on me.  I can't be everything to people now, they are looking for my dad in me to help them and as much as I would love to do that, I can't.  My dad meant the world to me, as everyone knows, and I am having such a hard time not having him around.  I used to dote on my dad all the time.  I used to love to get him things, do stuff for him, and see his smiling face.  That face brought joy to my very soul.  To make this man, that gave everything to everyone else, smile.  It was my piece of heaven.  That is all gone.  I like to see the kids smile and other people, but not as much as my dad.  To work as long as he did for everyone he loved and then to get joy just for himself was amazing.  I loved him so much.  I guarantee I loved him more than anyone, except my mom.  I don't care what anyone says.  I talked to him everyday and sat with him every week to chat.  Now what do I do?  I don't have anyone to turn to that will support me like my dad.  I don't have anyone that will light up my soul the way my dad did.

I was thinking this week that I never knew how hard it was to miss someone so much and not be able to tell them.  Anyone I have missed in the past I could get the opportunity that I miss them.  Not with my dad. I miss him the most and can't tell him.  People say they that he knows but that is of little consolation now.

Everything seems to be turning inwards.  I don't feel as comfortable telling people how I feel as much as I do just feeling it on my own.  I find I have to be on my own to talk about my dad.

Today my mom and I did our whole yard and got it ready for winter. The picture above was my handy work a couple years ago. It was nice to do and keep busy outside. We chopped and trimmed the tree's.  We mowed the lawn.  It was great time with my mom and I am sure we both were thinking that we wish my dad was here.  I especially wanted my dad to see me do these things that he never saw me do.  Pruning a tree?  Milan?  He would say something like "You did what?"  I wish he could have seen me do it.  We did it all and every step of the way I wanted to break into tears because my dad should have been there.  It was all too familiar but all so different.  My mom in her yard clothes, the tools across the lawn, my dad's Cadillac in the driveway with the trunk open.  It was all how it was, except my dad was gone.  I trimmed one tree and got a little Edward Scissorhands with he trimmer.  When my mom looked up all the leaves were gone... I thought in my head that my dad would have had a good laugh he would have said "I thought Mills was going to start trimming the Cadillac next".  We got the top of one of our trees that my parents couldn't get last year because we didn't have a ladder then.  When we were all done and all the stuff put away it really hit me.  I took my dad for granted, all the stuff he did, and now he is gone and I can't show him that I can do these things. I know if I had told him that I can do it he would have told me "What are fathers for?"  They are to love, they are to hold on to so that you are safe, they are to look up to and dream someday to be just half the man he was.  They aren't for yard work.  I sure miss the times that I sat and laughed with my dad.  It was some of the best times.  He enjoyed giving me a hard time.  I miss that so much.  I remember sitting with him on the front step chatting about the yard and then about cars.  He was in a rush to leave because he thought I had somewhere better to be.  I told him I have time, to sit and rest.  He never wanted to be a burden to me and he never was, ever.  He was exactly the opposite.  Think of someone that was an extreme burden on everything you did, and he was exactly the opposite.

The other day I pulled into the garage at my parents house (it will always be both of theirs house) with the Cadillac.  It was raining so the wipers were going.  My dad has a ball that hangs that tells him when he is in the garage.  Needless to say Mr. Ball met Mr. Wipers and Mr. Ball went flying.  It was so funny.  All I could think about was how my dad would have laughed so hard to see that.  But he isn't here.  I can't call him to tell him.  I don't have anyone that would appreciate it like him.

All these moments are happening and I don't have my best friend next to me to share them.  I played hockey tonight and scored a few goals.  As I skated by the bench after the goals my team was giving me a lot of grief about showing no emotion and said I didn't care.  I didn't say anything.  They don't understand that a goal or two in a recreation league means nothing when the one thing I want more than anything in my life is gone.  After the game I left, got back to the car and just cried.

I miss you so much dad.

I Miss You Dad

2 months ago today I lost my dad.  I miss him so much.  He went into the hospital on May 21st so it has been 4 months since I saw my dad walking around and I miss him.

What has happened in the last 2 months?  It has been a blur.  Celebrated his 74th birthday without him.  Celebrated my parents 42nd Wedding Anniversary without him.  Celebrated Brenda's birthday without him.  Quinn had her first day of school without him.  All these things happened without my father.  Life just keeps going on but I don't have my dad.  Some days I feel I can do this but lately it has been a slide backwards.  Lots of tears and wishing my dad was here.

One of my dad's friends described my father not as a man but more of a vital life force.  That is what he was to me.  The life force behind who I am.  People describe my life when they try to help as I have Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, my mom, Kanch, Friends, other Family, my work, my health, and my Dad.  They say these are all the components of my life and I need to focus on the other components now that my dad is gone.   It isn't like that at all, the layout of my life isn't correct.  My dad was integrated into everything.  My relationship with Quinn and Ronin as a father is defined by my father.  My relationship with my mom and Kanch is defined by my dad as the leader of the family.  I work because of the example my dad set and look to make him proud.  All the other things, including Brenda, are interactions with me, and I am no longer whole.  It is like my dad and I were two lenses.  When they are together the vision is clear, without one and everything is distorted and not as it should be.  I can't see anymore.  I can't see life anymore and I am scared.

Ronin wasn't feeling well so he stayed home with me.  He did his best to cheer me up and he is so full of life. I think he deserves more than a father that is so broken.  Quinn is screaming for more attention and I just can't give her all that I used to. Every morning I take her to the bus and watch her drive away and cry.  I look around me, up to the sky, on the rooftops, for some sign of my dad.  I ask him to keep her safe and that I miss him so much and wish he was standing next to me.

I have all these visions of my dad when he was with me.  Things he would say, how he would feel, what he would do, and it hurts so much to know I will never see him again.  I played hockey last night for the first time since before my dad got sick.  I was dreading it.  Even sitting in the parking lot I was debating not going in and just going home.  I didn't want to face the people that knew my dad was gone.  I didn't think I had the fortitude to make an effort to play.  I did go in.  I didn't say anything to anyone.  They offered their condolences saying that it was terrible and that my dad was a bit on the young side.  I couldn't even muster a word of response. I went on the ice and played. I was tired and whenever I was on the bench I looked up to the stands and remembered all that time my dad spent with me at arena's.  I remember him standing there with his eyes locked on me.  He gave me the most inspirational words when I didn't think I could do things in hockey.  I always felt him close and it helped me try things I didn't think I could do.  I sat there last night looking up into the stands and tears running down my face.  Wishing my dad was there.  Wishing he was still cheering me on.  He used to cheer me on even when I was on the bench. How does one person make you feel so strong and safe?  How does one person make you believe anything is possible?  Now that he is gone I am weak and unsafe.  Without him I don't believe anything is possible.

I know he would want me to go on with life.  He would want me to not worry about him.  He would want me to pick up the pieces of my life and lead everyone forward.  I have to do it but everything still feels so painful.  I could never not worry about my dad.  In the last few years I took great pride in making sure my dad was OK.  I liked nurturing my father to make sure he had everything he wanted and he was happy.  I wanted to make sure he had a drink or that he was comfortable.  I didn't like hearing he wanted anything he didn't have.  When he went to the hospital I had to be there.  I had to make sure he had everything he needed.  I had to make sure he came home.  When he passed I feel I lost my friend, my father, my protector, but also I let him down.  I was also protecting and nurturing him and I didn't keep him safe.  My whole life he kept his end of the bargain of keeping me safe but I didn't keep up my part when it mattered most.

He wouldn't want me to be sad about him being gone, but he didn't want me to worry about him when he was here.  I still did.  I remember all the times that we were out or doing something and there was a lot of walking and he told me to just go on ahead.  I told him I am not leaving you.  I told him you were my dad and I am not leaving you.  He never would want to burden anyone and he never did.  Our pain is not the result of a burden he left but more of a love lost.

I miss you dad.  I try to have positive days and move forward but the more the motion of life moves forward the more pain I have.  It is like life is pulling me away from my dad and I am scared.  I don't want to move away from him, I want to move closer.  In the terrible times during the day I hold my hand and try to squeeze it the way he did.  I try and think about the comfort he tried to give him from his hospital bed.  I try and hold on.  I try desperately to hold on to my dad.  Anything that I can do to bring him closer but it doesn't work and I feel so hurt not having him around.  I just want to live this life again with my dad. I am looking for some comfort and there is nothing or no one that can support me where my dad did.  I felt I could do anything with my dad around.  I have to find my way in this life alone now, no more will I have the life force behind me.  The lens is distorted.

Quinn's First Day of School

This past week was Quinn's first day of school.  We were worried about what she would do and how she would be.  Mick and Grammy started the process of talking about school and getting her excited about it while we were in South Africa.  Then when we came back we continued to talk to her about it.  On the morning of her first day we got her ready, packed her knapsack and watched her reaction.

She was actually really excited to go.  We talked about the bus coming and her teacher and she seemed very happy.

We waited for the bus together and Ronin as usual entertained himself while waiting.

When the bus did arrive, Quinn was so excited she ran for the bus and found her seat and was so happy.  It was such a relief we didn't have to carry her on and then try and lock her in.  There was a mix up on the bus stuff so her first day she didn't have a seat belt.  We talked with the bus driver and told her to give it a go and she will probably just stay in her seat.  She ended up doing just that and it was more difficult to get her out.  After she got picked up Brenda and I, with Ronin, stalked the bus and went to the school to see how she did coming off the bus.  I walked fairly close so I could see her.  I saw her Teaching Assistant go on the bus and then eventually Quinn came out holding hands.  She would take 4 steps and then stop.   Look around and try and figure what this is all about.  Take 4 more steps and stop again.  The TA was so patient with her and eventually she went into the area with all the other kids.  She was so cute and so big.  Hard to believe 4 years have passed.

It was a special day for her but as I stood there watching her it was a reminder that Quinn was different.  I watched other parents walk with their kids and complain about clothes, shoes, backpacks and other insignificant things and I was just hoping my little girl wasn't made fun of.  I was hoping other people could see all the love this little girl has in her heart.  I was hoping that someday I was more concerned about clothes than therapy or doctor appointments.  It was hard to see how other people live.  Then I shook my head and focused on this amazing little girl that fights every step of the way and has laughs and smiles for everyone.  Life isn't easy but she is finding her way.

On her first day Quinn didn't have a snack at didn't nap at daycare.  So much to take in and too much to see to really slow down to eat and sleep!  The next day she ran on the bus and had a great day. She has been so happy to go to school.  It is such a relief.  She is such a beautiful old soul.  Here is a video of her dash to the bus with her brother trailing behind!!!

My Dad's wish fulfilled

A couple of days ago Brenda and I returned from South Africa.  It was such an emotional trip and so hard to do for me.   We booked on a Thursday and left on the following Monday.  I tried to sort out some South African documents at the embassy here but they are not exactly efficient and had to leave without them.  I was trying to get emergency travel documents for some stuff I had to do in South Africa.  I called them today and they said they just came in.... How is it an emergency when it takes almost 2 weeks to get the documents?  Anyways, everything worked out without that stuff.  It was incredibly hard sitting in the Embassy without my dad.  He had been here more than a few times and I sat there crying my eyes out as I waited for stuff to get done.  People were asking if I was OK and I told them I was fine, just get the documents done so I could go.  They knew my dad had passed away, what did they think was wrong?

Anyways, we flew to South Africa with my two aunts which was nice because we didn't have to fly alone but at the same time it was so hard for my mom to have 4 people she loved leave at the same time.  All day I was dreading getting on the flight because I knew what the flight was about and it was focused on the fact my dad had passed.  I didn't want to do it because I was worried about the emotional stress.  I knew there was no way I wasn't going to go but it was difficult from the beginning.

The flight was grueling to say the least.  13hrs to Dubai and then almost 9hrs to Durban.  The flight from Toronto to Dubai was on the Emirates super plane, the airbus 380, the double decker one.  It was nice with all the amenities and multimedia but the seats were hard.  Very hard.  I was surprised, given how new the plane was, it also had ashtrays around, which was also strange.

On the way there we stayed over a night in Dubai and toured around the city.  It isn't what I expected at all.  There really isn't any "Dubai Culture".  There are massive expensive hotels, restaurants I recognize, and money.... lots of money. However, there isn't any Arab culture there, it is the only city in the United Arab Emirates that allows drinking because of it's attraction to tourists.  All the other cities have no drinking and no bars because of their Muslim roots.  We saw the usual and headed to Durban in the morning.

When we arrived in Durban the first thing we saw when we collected all our baggage was family, lots of family.  It was such a nice surprise to be greeted by so many people.  I know a lot of them was there to see my aunts but it was family none the less.  They all hugged us and it was nice to feel welcomed.  We then went back to my uncle's house and everyone came, plus more people.  There was so much family around and I kept thinking that this is what my dad loved.  Family around, the more the merrier.  So at the same time it was comforting, it was also very emotional, I had to take a few breaks to go into other room when my emotions got the best of me.  I couldn't believe that after 23 years I was back in South Africa and my dad wasn't with me.  I cried a lot on the plane and then even more when we arrived.  My Uncle Rakesh took us around and really looked out for us.  He made sure we were OK even if we weren't with him and really gave us the royal treatment.  We drove up the coast in Durban one evening which was really nice.

The next day was the big day.  We were doing the ashes ceremony.  There was a lot of heart ache and stress associated with the logistics of getting the ashes done the way I wanted it and the way I know my dad would have wanted it.  The days and times kept getting switched, some people didn't want to participate, some other people wanted it their way and not mine.  Anyways, it worked out OK.  The prayer was nice, the ashes went into the same water that my grand parents and my aunt went into.  The place is called Albert Falls and it was such a great place that my dad used to go fishing when he was young.  It just felt like he should have been standing next to me telling me all the stories about the place, but he wasn't, and I missed hearing his voice in a place that important to him.

 It was peaceful and I got time to sit and talk to my dad , thanks largely to Brenda (long story with too much Maharaj drama).  It told him that I knew he was home but his home is with me.  To please stay with me, help me, and guide me.  Keep the kids safe and help Quinn find her way.  I cried so much that day that my eyes hurt.  I looked at the water tried to hear his voice in my head and feel good about doing something my dad really wanted.  I asked him if I will ever see him again in this life or the next.  I told him he was and always will be my hero.  Told him I loved him beyond words and that he was a man above all others.  I also repeated some things that I told him when he was leaving us, but those are words for him and me and not for anyone else.  I miss him terribly and still cry all the time.  I think about the life he gave me and I am forever thankful.  He is truly one of a kind.  There were so many things I said that day as I sat on the rocks talking to him.  I told him I didn't know what this life was supposed to be like without him.  I told him all about my pain and my struggles.  It was a moment that was just for my dad and me.

 
After the ashes, we went around Pietermaritzburg which was the city my dad grew up in.  We saw the old places he worked, visited some old friends and heard all the same messages.  He was a great man, unlike anyone they had ever met.  He was meticulous and had a memory like nothing they had seen before. It was nice to hear but at the same time, he was my dad, and I knew all this.  I wish I had more time to sit and tell him just how great I knew he was.  It wasn't like I wasn't sure about my dad.  It wasn't like I thought he was an OK guy or that I didn't hold him in the highest regard.  He was amazing, I knew that in my heart without a doubt.  So everyone we met, pulled me into tears either in their presence or during the walk back to the car.  All I could think about is that I had this great guy as a dad and I don't feel I appreciated him as much as I should have.  He was my dad but beyond that he was an amazing man.

We had a prayer for my dad that night and a lot of his friends came and shared stories and told me some heart felt messages about my dad.  There was a time during their stories where they had said that I really didn't know him.... What?  He is my dad.  They said I didn't know the man he was back in South Africa.  I took it as long as I could and then made a point to tell them that THEY didn't know him.  I knew the man they talked about but they didn't know the man he had become.  In the last 10 years of his life the man they had known had changed.  The man I know was this man that was so caring and gentle.  A blessed soul that could not do enough for the people he loved.  It was a grandfather that changed everything he thought about the world the day his little princess was born and stole his heart.  It was a man that was in awe of a boy that would never stop being a boy.  He was a person that was so full with love that it spread to everyone close to him.  This was my father.  They shared they stories of loss with a little bit of disregard of the pain I was in and I had to remind them that they lost a brother, friend, or relative but I lost my dad and when he left a piece of me died.  It was more of this constant struggle with my dad's family and friends but it was OK.  I know they were hurting.  We finished the prayer and the next day went to a prayer for my dad at 6:30am in a temple that he and my grandfather built.  It was a nice service and I cried the whole way through.  Sitting in this temple that my dad felt so strongly about without him.  Looking at the walls and the floor and thinking he was here over 50 years ago.  It was so emotional.  Prayer and Hindu hymns in general now have this effect of bringing me to tears because they remind me of the time of losing my dad.

The rest of that day we did some rapid fire visiting with people all over Pietermaritzburg.  I think we visited well over 20 different people that day.  All were so welcoming to me and all wanted us to have tea.  I have never refused so much beverages and cookies in all my life!!  We stayed only about 10 minutes or so at each person's house and they were so happy I could spend that.  I know Brenda's head was spinning trying to keep in order who was who and how they were related to me.  I stopped trying after a while and just relied on my Aunt Uma to tell my mom who they were when she talked to her in Canada!
After those visits we went to see my Uncle in Estcourt.  He and my aunt had so much food waiting for us. We sat down and ate a little till we were full.  Then we realized that it wasn't dinner but appetizers...  Brenda and I just looked at each other and laughed.  We weren't surprised given how much food is always around.  It is just part of the culture.  We had a relaxing night with my uncle and aunt and had time to sleep in then head back to Pietermaritzburg but not before we bought $80 worth of biscuits!! I was just grabbing 1 of each of the biscuits my mom loves and my uncle put 3 more of each in the cart.  It was quite the haul of cookies!!  My Uncle Jay also played such a huge role in making sure I was taken care of everywhere in South Africa and always made a point of seeing us almost every day especially since he lived almost 3 hours away.  After that we headed back to Durban to spend some time with all my family before we headed out the next day.  It was amazing how quickly they got everyone on my mom's side together for dinner.  We all went out to an African place called Moyo. It was a nice place on the beach.  There were so many laughs and jokes and it was nice to be again surrounded my so much family, I thought my mom would feel so much better here with her family that loves her so much.  I also felt so much longing for my dad.  I could almost hear his voice as he would tell stories and laugh and joked with everyone.  I fought back the tears so hard.  I closed my eyes and could almost hear his voice.

After that we went back to my uncle's house chatted to early in the morning and then got some sleep.  Woke up and then realized there was no way all the cookies and presents everyone gave would be able to make it back to Canada in the one checked luggage we brought.  So we borrowed one piece from my uncle and then they bought the kids presents and my other aunt/cousin showed up with some great South African Rugby jackets.  The next thing we had another checked luggage.  We came with one piece of luggage at 18kg coming and leaving with 3 pieces!  After trying to sort out the luggage we made a mad dash to the airport.  It is so different there.  A ton of my family came to the airport to see us off.  It was unbelievable.  They all hung out and chatted.  They stayed with us to the very moment we went through security.  We had some issues with the luggage but got it straightened out and all the luggage made it back to Canada with us.

I just can't believe the people on my mom's side of the family they have their drama but they are so close.  They don't let anything get in the way of being close.  On my dad's side it is different, they are just looking for ways to argue.  I tried to help them realize what was important and will continue to support them as I am sure my dad would want.  I did get a chance to go see my dad's brother who lived about 30 minutes outside of Durban.  It was obvious that no family had reached out to him.  The moment I got out of the car he was emotional and when I told him I came half way around the world just to see him he broke down.  He had such love and respect for my dad and for me to reach out to him after my dad was gone really took him back.  When I left there I knew my dad would have been so proud of me for going out of my way to see him.  He had been excluded from the rest of the family in South Africa and I wish I could have called my dad to tell him how happy he was to see me but that wasn't possible so again, I cried.

The trip home was long but not as bad as going.  We did get some sleep but got delayed through New York.  The plane ride was 23 hours of crying for me.  Just thinking about coming home and trying to figure out what life is supposed to be.  Can't believe I am coming home and can't tell my dad about everything we did.  It really hit home when we came out into the terminal and my dad wasn't there.  He wasn't there waving at me and wasn't there to hug me.  Very lonely feeling.

Brenda got a good taste of my family and it's differences.  We got a taste of South Africa and hope to be back there soon.  But the purpose of the trip was to fulfill my dad's wish.  He can be at rest knowing that it is complete.  People thought I could get a lot of peace by doing it.  I did get a sense of satisfaction but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less.  I still miss my dad and wish he was here.  I still long for his embrace and to hear his voice.  My heart doesn't know I have done this great thing for my dad, all it knows is my dad is still gone.