Things I miss about my Dad

A while ago someone suggested I make a list of the things I loved the most about my dad and what I would miss the most.  The things that break my heart the most.  I thought about it and listed out a few in my mind but thought I would document it.  These are the things I think about when I am so upset and can't deal with the pain of losing my dad:

1. My dad's hugs.  We always hugged every time we saw each other and it was a full happy to see you hug.  I loved to feel his face next to mine when we hug.  I long to run to my parents house barge in the door and get a hug again.  I miss it so much.
2. My dad's laughter.  His laughter was so infectious.  He just lit up a room when he laughed.  More important than that was that he lit up my heart.  I can almost hear it everyday and miss him so much.  It was just so free and fulfilling to hear my dad laugh.  Like the whole world was laughing with him.
3. His smile.  Even in the hospital my dad was able to give a few smiles out.  In his condition he still warmed my heart with his smile.  I remember as a young kid at hockey looking up in the stands and I could see my dad's smile a mile away.  It was so comforting.  I loved seeing my dad smile.  I loved it even more when I did something to make him smile.  That gave me such satisfaction in life. 
4. My dad's scent.  I didn't really realize it when my dad was around but he had this very distinct scent that I knew it was him.  I can close my eyes and think of it.  I can't describe it but I know it.  I walk around my parents house and just catch a glimpse of it.  There are a few things that carry it and I hug them with all my heart.  They say that sometimes you can smell it when their spirit is near.  I hope I can so that I know my dad is close to me.
5. My dad's glasses.  He has gone through a few pair over the years and has changed styles with the times but I miss seeing them sitting around and him wearing them. I remember when he first went into the hospital that we kept asking him if we should bring his glasses back to the hospital to help him see stuff.   We never brought them back.  They were brand new RayBan glasses so nice and stylish.  I hold them sometimes and just cry.  I miss seeing them on his face.  I miss the kids trying to get them.
6. The buzz of my dad's hearing aid. When the batteries were going there would be a buzzing or a beep from his hearing aid.  I remember on a few occasions I would be looking all over the house for what was beeping.  Then finally my mom would come in and tell me it was my dad's hearing aid, he would be just sitting there smiling.  I miss that sound.  It meant he was close by.  It was comforting to hear it and we would all have a laugh about it.  Then he would turn it off so it wouldn't buzz and he could ignore us all.
7. Talking about the Leafs.  We could talk forever about why they were going to be good and how come they were so terrible.  He knew all my favorite players and I knew who he liked.  We would talk late at night after a big game and chat about the leafs.  A couple times we watched the game late at night together on the phone.  When I was little he would let me stay up and watch the games with him and I would re-enact the plays in our living room, Show him the great save or show him how I would celebrate that goal.  He would sit, smile, laugh and take it all in. 
8. Sitting with my dad.  I miss just being around him.  Sitting in the family room next to him.  Or sitting in a car for a ride.  I loved driving my dad around in his Cadillac.  It was one of the best memories I have.  He would sit and relax and talk to me.  He would ask me stuff and we would chat.  I could sit next to him for a lifetime and talk about everything.  Sometimes when I am driving around I put my hand on the passenger seat and think about my dad sitting there.  Think about him looking out the window or asking me about my life.  I try and imagine him just being silent and with me even now as I drive alone.
9. Being there.  I miss my dad just being there for me.  I never ever felt like I was a burden on him.  He was always so happy to do anything for me.  I don't know anyone that took as much joy as he did in doing things for other people.  He would do things with no questions asked.  He would be there in a flash.  Time and distance was never an issue.  I miss the security of knowing that I always had someone to turn to and lean on.  Someone that would catch me if I ever fell.  I hope that in the last years my dad felt that I was that to him as well.  I was there for him in a second and do anything.  I know he still felt like he was a burden to me for things but he was a joy.  I worked so hard to see him happy.  There were so many times I had to call him late at night when my car broke down.  I never felt bad about calling him and I he never made me feel bad for coming to help.  He was such an amazing dad.
10. My dad's voice. To hear his voice on the other end of the phone was so comforting.  I loved it.  I long for it.  Sometimes when I lose myself and forget for that split moment he is gone I think he is going to call and I am going to get to hear his voice again.  Throughout the day I look at the phone and hope he calls.  I know he won't be calling but I dream about the days he would call me.  Even when my mom calls, there is that split second I pick up the phone and expect him to be there.  Sometimes in the car I would listen to him talk and it was nice.   He used to tell all these stories that I have heard about a million times, he would sit in his chair and talk.  Even when I wasn't listening to the stories I was listening to his voice.  Sometimes I would go do other things but I would still be listening.  There is no where to go now to hear it.  To hear my dad say "Hey Mills".  I miss him so much.

These are the things I miss about my dad.  They are the specifics but there is the bigger thing of just seeing him.  Just watching him walk in the door at our house.  Just walking into his house to see him sitting at the kitchen table.  I just can't believe this life is going on and I don't have my dad.  As time passed my dad and I were a team to get the big stuff done.  I loved helping him.  Now I don't have that person to lean on.  It seems people are more expecting stuff from me than supporting me.  I guess that is how my dad felt.  I look at pictures and miss him so much.  I wish I had more moments with him. I try and feel his embrace or his hand on my shoulder, the feel of his shirt when we hugged, but the moments are so fleeting.  There is nothing but a void.  It isn't something you get over, it is something that is with you for the rest of my life.  I will always miss my dad, every second of this life I will wish  my dad was here.  I miss him beyond this life and whatever comes hereafter.  

It breaks me apart to know that Quinn and Ronin will not get a chance to truly have this great man fill their hearts like he filled mine.  They will never truly know how much love their Aaja had in his heart just for them.  A place he kept safe his whole life just for the 2 perfect little pieces to fill in.  He never got to enjoy it as long as he should have.

I love you dad, you will always be in my heart and in my soul.  My heart will always long for you.  You are, and will always be, the greatest man I have ever known, and my hero.

3 Months Today and How to Support Me

It has been 3 months (today) that my dad passed.  I can't believe this life. When did the life I had all planned out change to this one?  When did I start to feel like I can't turn to anyone?  It was at 12:13 am on July 13, 2011.  The time my dad passed.
Since then life just doesn't seem as fulfilling.  I don't have someone that I could always count on.  When I walk alone, I really feel alone.  I don't have someone just waiting for me.   I don't have someone that fills a room with their very presence.  I don't have my hero showing me the way everyday.  It is such a lonely feeling. 

I try to keep my mind elsewhere through the days but the truth is I want to be with my dad.  I want to sit in a room watching Ronin and Quinn play with Brenda, my mom, and my dad. I want us all to laugh at the silly things the kids do, marvel at how far Quinn has come, and be amazed at all the things Ronin does so easily.  That is where I want to be, but that is all a dream now.  So far away.  I remember when we were doing it.  It was nice but the hard part was that is was just so natural that I didn't realize how great the moment was when I was in it.  I had everyone I loved right there.  Right next to me.  Now the person I looked to is gone.  The picture is incomplete. 

It has been 3 months my dad hasn't been here but it has been a lifetime worth of sadness.  I sometimes think if my dad can see me, if he misses me where ever he is.  If he can, I know he is crying.  He would be so sad to know how upset I am but I also know he would understand.  He would understand how much I miss him and how much I love him.  All through my life my dad was tough on me.  Pushing me further than I thought I could go and being hard on me when I didn't do things right.  The funny thing was that when I messed up, I mean really messed up, like police cars at the house messed up, he never yelled at me.  I know he was disappointed but I also think he knew how hard I was taking it and didn't want to add to it.  Maybe he was also in shock.   Either way, I just remember that when I needed him the most and he had a great opportunity to let me have it, he never did.  He was so caring, loving, and supportive. 
Sometimes I wonder what my dad really knew of all the trouble I got in growing up.  I know he knew the trouble I was getting in but let me find my way, the same way he did.  There are so many people out there that think they know my dad.  They think they got him down but they are so wrong.  He is very different than most people know.  The stern exterior was just a manner of how proper he was.  Underneath he was caring, loving, and generous.  He was so funny.  He loved to laugh.  He loved to do thing for people just to make himself feel good.  He wasn't one in a million, he was one of a kind... period.

Many people have told me that they just don't know how to console me or to help me through this.  They don't understand what it is like and don't know exactly house I am feeling.  They say and do things but they just don't seem to help.  I thought long and hard and decided to see how I would console... me.   What would I do if I was in the position of these people.  I have tried to explain it to them but I am not doing a good job.

First thing, I am not operating on a day to day basis.  So calling or checking in every day or so doesn't really help.  I am trying to survive from hour to hour.  My mind is constantly racing with memories of my dad and all the times I won't be sharing with him.  It literally happens multiple times an hour.  It is very rare for me to go through an hour without crying. So what would I do for me?  Call, email, text.  Let me vent about how much it hurts and it sucks.  Giving me the "bright" side doesn't work because you are not in a position to provide that kind of context.  Also, my dad is gone, there is no bright side of anything.  They tell me that at least I had time with him, really?  Of course I had time with him and that is why I love him so much and we were so close.  They tell me that at least you were close.  Really?  Of course we were close, that is why it has crushed my world that he is gone.  I would not try and "fix" the situation, because it can't be fixed, unless you can bring my dad back.

Second thing, I would do everything I could to interact with.. me.  I would plan dinner, lunch, breakfast, brunch.  Anything to help.  I would help out anyway I could so that I wouldn't feel that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Everyone is relying on me.  My mom, Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, they are all looking to me to resolve the things my dad used to do.  That is a lot of pressure considering how broken I feel.  Also considering I don't have anyone to lean on.  I don't have that person that I can look to know. So I would help me do everything.  I would sit down and plan out all the things I need to do.  Make a list and take a huge portion of them.  I would do anything to make sure I don't feel lost.

Third thing, I would ask lots of questions about my dad.  I would ask me to tell me about growing up and what I remember about my dad. I would encourage me to talk about my dad all the time.  Let me brag about my dad, because there is so much to brag about.  I would let me talk for hours about the great things he did and the great man he was.  I would let me laugh and I would let me cry about him. 

Fourth thing, I would spend time with my mom.  A lot of heartache comes from knowing how much my mom misses my dad.  I feel so much better when I hear my mom is going out for lunch or dinner or people are coming over.  I know she is occupied and gets a chance to take a tiny break from missing him, even for a few seconds.  I would go spend time with my mom.

The fifth and final thing, I would encourage me to feel terrible. I would do everything I could to not try and stop it.  It needs to run the cycle and the more people try and "save" me from it, the harder it is.  Just let me cry, let me yell, let me break down.  Only then can I start to put the pieces back together.

These are my thoughts on how to help me, but in fact there is nothing anyone can do to make me "feel" better or help me work through the thought process of losing my dad.  It is something I have to deal with on my own.  Every heart breaking second of the journey.  When I look at pictures or remember happy times it is just so hard to understand that 5 months ago we were planning a road trip to look for wheels for the Lexus, now he is gone.  It seems almost like in a blink of an eye.  I love you so much dad and will miss you for the rest of my days.

Fear and Putting me first

I have been having a hard time trying to figure life out.  Some really tough things have happened lately and I just miss having my dad around.  He was that person I could talk to.  He would just put me back in balance and give me that stable footing to go forward.  I don't have that anymore and feel like I am spinning out of control.  I can't turn around without heart ache.

My dad was that person I always looked up to.  He was the example I set my life against.  He was and always will be that father figure I could turn to.  I don't have that anymore.  I don't have that one person I can turn to and believe everything they say 100%.  I don't have the one person that I look up to that I trust with my life.  He was it.  What do I do now?  I am so scared of not having a person like him to count on.  I am so scared that I am alone.  I am so scared to live a life without my dad.  I am so scared to live my life with heart break every day.  I am scared my dad isn't OK where ever he is.  I feel I lost so much when my dad passed.  I have Brenda and the kids. I have my mom.  I don't have that male figure to guide me.  I feel lost. 90% of my life I don't need anyone but there is that 10% that I need that person to lean on.  My dad would be there for me without me asking.  We could work through that 10% together.  Who do I have now? I am so scared of this life.  How do I rest my head at night, how do I wake up in the morning, how do I deal with tough times?  How do I do all this without having my dad to turn to. Even the 90% I dealt with in life, he still gave the the confidence to do things.  It is all gone.  I lost his support for the 10% and the confidence to deal with the 90%.

People just don't understand the emotional stress and pain you go through trying to get the best possible life for Quinn.  They can't understand.  It is with you always.  I had my dad behind me to look up to.  Someone I could look to as an example of composure.  Someone I could let it all out to and he would still love me.  That is why lots of times we got angry at each other because I could be comfortable and let all the stuff inside out with him.  I don't have that with anyone else.  Everyone else I feel it is their feelings first and mine second.  With my dad it was me first.  He was always concerned about me.  I know that was his role as a parent but he was so much beyond that.  Think of having a friend that was always there.   Would do things just because they could feel you could use something to pick you up.  Then imagine that person is who you look up to your whole life.  That was my dad.  He was always there as a friend and always loved me as a father.  I always felt so close in his heart.  Never a day would go where I would have any doubt that he loved me.  It is heartbreaking that I don't have that.  My role is to lift people around me up, I pick them up and then seeing them happy lifts me up. With my dad it was the other way.  It was his role to lift me up and when I was happy he was lifted up. I am so lost.  I used to remember walking in the bitter cold and feeling like my face was going to fall off, it was my dad that I kept in my mind to help me get through.   I would think about talking to him when I got out of the cold and tell him how cold it was.  I would think about calling him to make sure he didn't go out in the cold and was OK.  I have no choice but to find someone else to put in my mind in these times but it is hard.  I know lots of people love me so much and I love them but my dad was me.  We were so similar that it was almost like talking to myself.  That is what I lost.  I was reading an article about when one twin passes away.  The lost portion of their soul the living twin lives with.  A lot of that resonated with me.  My dad and I weren't just close, we were almost the same.  So when I say I am alone it is because the other half of me is gone.  Nothing fit that half exactly like my dad.
I sleep so little at night.  I toss and turn. I think about my dad and cry.  It is every night.  I wish I had more family support and it wasn't just my mom and I.  Every morning I have so much sadness and most mornings the fear sends my heart racing.  I miss my dad and life in general is so scary for me without my dad.  No one can understand how I feel because they don't know what he meant for me in my heart and my mind.
In my life now it is my mom, Brenda, Ronin, and Quinn. That is it.  There are other people that come and go but everyone else has a life on their own.  For us it is everyday.

I went dirt biking this past weekend and it was lots of fun but there were moments on the trail where I had tears streaming down my face because I was doing all this stuff and the one person I wanted to tell, I couldn't.  The one person that was just waiting for me and only me was gone.  I finished the day and just couldn't believe that I didn't have my dad to call and tell.  We would have had a good laugh at the falls I took and how scared I was to climb some of the inclines that everyone else was falling on. But I couldn't.  No one else cares as much as he did.  I was always top of the list.