As I look back on these times I think it wasn't enough. I especially think that when I got older I moved away from that. I had my own life and didn't take enough time to do special things with him. In fact it isn't the special things, it is the every day things. Just going to the store with him. I would ask him a few times to go with him and he would tell me that I don't need to worry about it. But I wanted to be with him. I could sit in a car and chat with my dad forever. We never got bored of sitting with each other. I miss those times. Brenda said that the relationship I had with my dad was easy. It was so relaxed and comfortable. That is so accurate. It was like home sitting with him. Now I don't have that place I can go and feel totally at home.
I think about the hugs we shared, I think about the kisses I gave him, the compliments and thanks I extended to him. It was all not enough. There was always room to do more. I don't think you could ever come to a place where doing nice things for the people you love is enough. I could never see his happy face enough.
This week I realized that my dad never saw me play or practice football. In the back of my mind I knew it but when he was around I never asked him why. He saw almost every one of my hockey games and practices but not football. I wish he had. I loved playing sports and looking up to see him in the stands. It is one of my great memories of my dad growing up. Seeing him cheer me on. I used to get grief from my coaches when I was younger for looking in the stands at my dad instead of at them. I used to tell my dad that I was more interested in what he was telling me then the coaches.
My dad made a comment at my wedding in his speech that I always wanted him in my life. I am glad even back then he knew it. I always wanted to have him around. In fact in recent years I got mad at my parents for not being around more. I guess looking back I should savored the time I did have with them.
I have a hard time remembering the times I told my dad I loved him or the times we hugged. I am sure it wasn't enough. Brenda said we did that all the time, maybe because it happened all the time that is why I can't remember specific instances. I definitely didn't sit and chat with him about important things enough. Talk to him about what made him truly happy and what made him sad. People said he was of the generation that you don't talk about that stuff. Parents don't share that kinds of stuff with their children. I know my dad would have talked with me.
Days are so tough without my dad. I am not sure if I am more upset about my dad missing me or upset about me missing my dad. Am I sorry he can't be here or am I sorry I have to go on alone. Maybe there is no distinction and they are one and the same. If I am worried that my dad is in a better place then, I am guessing, I think I am going to be fine. If I am worried about what I do without him, then that is going to be a longer road. I honestly don't know what it is. When I think about special occasions I think about my dad not being there and how he would love it. I also think about how much I miss him and how much it hurts. The thoughts go together.
My mom shared with me that the weekend before my dad went into the hospital they took the kids to the park while we painted at our house. On the way back both kids were too tired so my dad carried Ronin part of the way.... My mom said it was tough but he would take breaks. It must have been so heart warming to have this little boy just wand to be in your arms so bad. I know my dad must have loved it. My parents and I have never been to the park together with the kids. We should have gone.
There is so much I wanted to do with my dad. People tell me to focus on the stuff we did do. I try to but I am greedy I still want more. I so badly want more time with my dad to do the stuff we enjoyed. People tell me at least he got to meet his grand children. That isn't enough. I wanted to him to see them grow up. I wanted him to see Ronin's first hockey game and buy him his first hockey stick. I wanted him to see Quinn play soccer in a league. My dad loved sports and obviously that is where I get it from. I never played enough sports with him later in life. I was always in a rush to something that really didn't matter.
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