6 months & Christmas

A couple weeks ago we had the 6 month prayer for my dad.  I miss him so much.  We did a nice prayer for him and it was so hard to believe, as I was sitting there listening to the priest, that my dad is gone.  I was left to do all the important stuff for the prayer as the oldest son.  I can't believe that my dad wasn't here to sit next to me.  As I looked at my dad's picture there I can't believe that this nightmare is our lives.  I looked over to Quinn and can't believe that this is our lives.  Between Quinn and losing my dad it is just so hard to believe how tough things are.  My heart is so broken from both. I have hope for Quinn and believe in her totally.  I also had hope for my dad, that he would be able to get better and come home.  When he left us I lost so much faith and hope in the world.  The whole belief that things happen for a reason and that this is the "right" plan for us.  I don't believe it.  Don't get me started on god.

I had faith.  I believed in something that was greater than me.  I believed in something that was so beyond anything I could ever be and just hoped to someday emulate that thing.  I believed that this thing would never let me down and always watched over me.  I believed in my dad.  I  knew I was always safe.  I knew that I could push myself beyond what I thought and I had him in case anything ever happened.  That he would look out for me.  When he passed away my faith left.  I really can't say I believe anymore, and the worst part is that I really want to.  I so badly want to believe there is a god and that my dad is in a better place and always with me.  Truth is that my logical mind is now running the show and the spiritual part has shut it down.

I miss my dad so much every day.  Every day I still have tears and I am so upset beyond anything I have ever known.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  What are we all supposed to do without my dad?

We just had Christmas a few days ago, and needless to say it wasn't the same. The first one without my dad.  The kids had such fun and were so excited with all the presents and Santa coming but in my heart it broke every time I heard Ronin say something funny about Christmas because my dad wasn't here.  My dad loved Christmas.   I missed my morning call to him when he would answer the phone and say "Merry Christmas", instead of Hello.   I will miss it for the rest of my life.  I just can't bear to be around families celebrating together, it breaks my heart and reminds me so vividly that my dad isn't here.  It was the one time of the year he went all out and made a point ensuring everything was great.   He was always into Christmas but when the kids came he found this whole love of it again.  I cry every time I think about the fact that he won't get to share another Christmas with the kids.  Lots of people say "At least he got to spend 1 Christmas with them". He didn't get anywhere near the enjoyment out of them as he should have.  Quinn and Ronin are just getting to the age where they are just so happy and interactive. My dad would have been able to sit down and chat with Ronin for hours. Quinn has such a personality that my dad would have had no choice but to lay the law down with her even a little.  Unfortunately that is never going to happen.  My dad is gone.  Every day I have this moment of realization early in the morning that this is a day without my dad.  We had all these Christmas traditions and now they just don't seem the same without him.  We can try to keep them going but they were intended for a life with him here.  That life is gone.  I miss him so much.  For anyone that hasn't lost anyone close, I mean really close, they have no point of reference to understand the pain. It is far beyond anything you could ever imagine.  The finality of them being gone and the futility of not being able to do anything about it.  I had no idea it was like this.  Like the death of someone you loved this much could possibly destroy your world like this.  I knew it would be crushing but this is beyond recognition.

My Dad's spot at the Christmas dinner table

The visions of him in the hospital have filled my mind over the holiday season and it has ripped me apart.  My dad passes away in my mind several times a day.  It is like I am losing him over and over again every day.  It is torturing me that he is not here and there isn't a single thing I can do about it.  Can't call him.  Can't go see him.  Can't get a hug from him.  Special occasions from now on won't be quite as special and will always have a bit of heart break attached.  It is a sad fact but true.

New Years Eve is coming up and the end of this year, easily the worst year of my life.  I lost my best friend. I lost, what seems like, my whole life.  It was a unit that included Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, Kanch, my Mom, and my Dad.  That was shattered in 2011.  I don't know what 2012 holds but it is so hard to look forward when the past is the only place my dad lives now.

Late one night after hockey I was watching the movie "Funny People".  I was watching the movie just to wind down.  It is a movie about an aging comic (Adam Sandler) who is terminally ill and really rich.  He hires an assistant (Seth Rogan) to help him with stuff and he makes a play list for Adam.  One of the songs he plays is "Keep me in your heart".  Needless to say this song just brought me to tears.  The next day I went to download it and it was uploaded on July 12, 2011, the day before my dad passed away. The lyrics just break my heart:

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

It goes on to talk about keeping someone in your heart for a while.  Dad, you will be in my heart forever.  

4 months and the festive season

June 16, 1975

This past weekend it was 4 months since my dad left.  I wish I could tell this story about how I have come so far and appreciate the good times.  I wish I could say that I have so much joy in my heart from knowing my dad.  I wish I could say things like this, things like what people want me to focus on, but I can't.

Don't get me wrong, I feel these things, in fact I felt these things my whole life and had them in my heart when my dad passed.  That being said, it is still so hard.  I still see visions of my dad in the hospital.  I still cry more times than I have fingers to count them.  I wish he was here every second.  The realization that I will never see him again, or hear him again, or feel his touch wakes me up every morning.

I still can't believe this is my life, and I don't have my dad with me.  There was still so much I wanted to learn from him.  So much I wanted to tell him.  I have found lately that when people ask me how I am doing, it is much less painful for me to just say "Fine".  That is really all they want to hear anyways.  Do people want to hear how much it hurts?  Do they want to know how much I cry?  No.

I find it hard to think about my dad and not cry.  I miss him that much.  I think about all the things we did.  I think about all the things he did for me. I think about how much he loves me.  I think about all this and realize it is gone.  He isn't here anymore.  Every morning I think about opening our front door to see if he is around.  I look out on our deck and picture my dad sitting there.  Every day I come home and picture my dad on the driveway with his Cadillac and the trunk open.

Every morning I see the kids, they wake up happy and ready to face the day.  Every day I think about another day my dad won't get a chance to be with them.  It is heart breaking.  I love my dad so much and it hurts so much. 

Christmas season is starting and every time I see Christmas lights my heart sinks. My dad loved to put up Christmas lights.  He stopped for a lot of years but when the kids came around he was back in full force.  It will be etched in my mind forever how he used to put out the Reindeer for the kids on the deck.  They used to stand at watch him work and he was so focused on getting it right for them.  There are so many Christmas memories I have of my dad and I just can't bring myself to documenting them because it will send me emotionally out of control.  Christmas was the time of the year I just loved being around my dad. He made such a point to bring our family and our extended family together.  I can't believe I won't see my dad on Christmas morning come into our house with his light up Santa hat on.  I can't believe that we won't all sit around my parents kitchen table and open the money box.  Everything hurts. I feel bad because the kids deserve a great Christmas every year.  It is going to be so hard to do that for them this year.   How do you smile when your inside in so sad?

I look back on the last year of my dad's life and think about all the opportunities I had to be closer to him.  I think about all the things I should have done.  I then think about his time in the hospital and all the things I should have said.  I am filled to the brim with regrets.  So many regrets that eat me alive every day.  I have no resolution for this pain because my dad isn't here.  Sometimes I think of just holding on until I can see him again but the realization that he is gone sinks in and tears flow down my face.  It is just unfair that I want to make my kids' lives amazing and I won't have the same for myself.  How can I have the best life I dreamed of without my dad.  The man I looked to for security and joy.  I don't know. 

Maybe I am just being selfish to say that my life is now not what I wanted but I shouldn't hinder other peoples lives from being great, like Brenda, Quinn, and Ronin.  Maybe this life is now not for me anymore but only for Brenda, Quinn, and Ronin.  I didn't include my mom in that list because I am sure she is in the same boat I am.   I think about my parents and the lives they had when I was growing up.  I only hope my dad got the kind of joy from me that I get from Quinn and Ronin.  It just isn't fair he didn't get joy from his grand kids as long as he should have.

Halloween 2011

The kids have been getting ready for Halloween this past week by putting up decorations and talking about candy!!
We put up the same bat we had last year.  How things change in a year.  This is a battery powered bat that flies around the roof.  Last year both kids took off when it was on.  This year it is non-negotiable for us to turn it off.  It burned through a set of batteries in less than a day!!!
We carved a pumpkin.  In fact we took the pumpkin to Aaji's and it was the first time she ever helped carve a pumpkin.  It was so much fun for the kids, they both actually reached in and ripped out the guts of the pumpkin.   We were all, including Aaji, sitting on the kitchen floor carving it out.  Ronin was helping cut the pumpkin, telling me to make sure it has a really scary face.  It was so great, but so heart breaking.   It was a moment that the kids enjoyed that I didn't have my dad to share it with.  Ronin is getting so big and such a personality.  He would have entertained my dad for hours.   Quinn also has become quite the jokester.  She would have had so many giggles with my dad.  All these moments instigate this pit I always carry in my stomach.

I picked up Ronin from daycare and he was excited right away.  They gave him loot bags to take home.  On the car ride home I let him have a "warm up" treat.  He had 3 chocolates.  I then told him not to tell his mom and his answer was "Maybe I will".  Little bugger. 
When they were both home from school they were excited to get the show on the road.  We were worried Ronin will not go in his costume and stick with the Turtle costume he wore last year.  A few comments on how cool this years costume was, got him right in.  They ate dinner, got dressed and were ready to go.  Quinn loved looking at her Unicorn costume in the mirror and then she would go over to pictures of my dad and point to him.  She would bring me over to the picture of my dad and point.  It was like she was showing my dad her costume and asking me to get him.  It broke my heart to pieces.  Even as we were heading out the door she looked back at my dad's picture and waved.  He would have been so proud of his little princess.  I wish he could see her.  I wish she could run to him and have that feeling of being safe.

As we got into the street our little spaceman led the way.  Quinn wasn't far behind and really like the whole idea of holding her bag.  That being said, she would decide she didn't like it as much and silently leave her bag in the middle of the sidewalk and keep going!  We would have to back track to pick it up.  There were so many houses that Ronin loved to go up and see.  After he would get his candy he would call Quinn and usually she would follow.  Quinn would then make a break for going inside people's house.  She loved all the decorations and has started this game of leaning on people's cars.  I am not sure where she learned that from but it is like she is hiding from a sniper.  It is quite funny!  She lost interest pretty quick and was happy to go home to see Aaji hand out candy.  Brenda and Ronin continued their trek onwards for more goodies!  Ronin was so good at keeping his space helmet on and was so polite.  He would always say "Trick or Treat" and then finish with a "Thank You".  People were so impressed.  He is such a special little boy.

When Brenda returned with Ronin we got a family picture and then the kids went through their loot. I took Aaji home so her house would not get egged!  She handed out more candy there.  While I was gone Brenda supervised Ronin and Quinn handing out the candy to the kids that came to the door.  They really had fun and Ronin provided the kids with a running commentary of what he was doing.  There was one time that Quinn got a little carried away and wanted to give some kids my boots!!! Such a giving little girl!  They genuinely loved it.  I asked Ronin what he had more fun doing getting candy or handing it out and he said he loved handing it out. 

When they went to bed there were a few straggler Trick or Treaters and every time the door bell rang Ronin would yell down from his bed "Make sure you don't give them all the candy!" Funny little boy.
While I was at my parents house I went to my dad's bedside to tell him about how great the kids were and how they miss you so much.  It is these special occasions that remind me that my dad is gone and never coming back.  I cried so hard for my dad the whole drive home.  I miss him so much.  I can almost feel his cheek on my lips for a kiss.  I can almost feel his hand on mine.  It feels so close but also so heartbreakingly far away.  I remember my parents doing so much for us for Halloween, whatever we wanted to go as, they would make it happen. The picture below has a custom Dracula cape from my mom and my dad was so proud.  He told everyone about this year because we all did so much to make the costume perfect.  I remember my dad and I searching for the "perfect" black pants.

All these great times just remind me my best friend for 38 years is gone.  These occasions break me down to disbelief my dad isn't here anymore.  It takes me back to the moments he left us. It hurts so much.  I was thinking the other day that my dad's initials, GM, are the 7th and 13th letters in the alphabet.  He passed away on the 13th day of the 7th month (July 13th).  I would love to know there is some greater plan that it was supposed to happen this way but I just want my dad back in spite of what anyone says about the way the universe is supposed to be.  I miss him so much. 

Someone sent me a quote a while back just after my dad passed and it feels so real to me:

Remembering you is easy I do it everyday,

Its the heartache of losing you that will never go away.

I miss you so much dad.  I miss you to the ends of this earth.  Always my hero.  Till we meet again.

More Halloween pictures are posted on the website:  

Brelan.ca - 2011 Halloween Pictures

Things I miss about my Dad

A while ago someone suggested I make a list of the things I loved the most about my dad and what I would miss the most.  The things that break my heart the most.  I thought about it and listed out a few in my mind but thought I would document it.  These are the things I think about when I am so upset and can't deal with the pain of losing my dad:

1. My dad's hugs.  We always hugged every time we saw each other and it was a full happy to see you hug.  I loved to feel his face next to mine when we hug.  I long to run to my parents house barge in the door and get a hug again.  I miss it so much.
2. My dad's laughter.  His laughter was so infectious.  He just lit up a room when he laughed.  More important than that was that he lit up my heart.  I can almost hear it everyday and miss him so much.  It was just so free and fulfilling to hear my dad laugh.  Like the whole world was laughing with him.
3. His smile.  Even in the hospital my dad was able to give a few smiles out.  In his condition he still warmed my heart with his smile.  I remember as a young kid at hockey looking up in the stands and I could see my dad's smile a mile away.  It was so comforting.  I loved seeing my dad smile.  I loved it even more when I did something to make him smile.  That gave me such satisfaction in life. 
4. My dad's scent.  I didn't really realize it when my dad was around but he had this very distinct scent that I knew it was him.  I can close my eyes and think of it.  I can't describe it but I know it.  I walk around my parents house and just catch a glimpse of it.  There are a few things that carry it and I hug them with all my heart.  They say that sometimes you can smell it when their spirit is near.  I hope I can so that I know my dad is close to me.
5. My dad's glasses.  He has gone through a few pair over the years and has changed styles with the times but I miss seeing them sitting around and him wearing them. I remember when he first went into the hospital that we kept asking him if we should bring his glasses back to the hospital to help him see stuff.   We never brought them back.  They were brand new RayBan glasses so nice and stylish.  I hold them sometimes and just cry.  I miss seeing them on his face.  I miss the kids trying to get them.
6. The buzz of my dad's hearing aid. When the batteries were going there would be a buzzing or a beep from his hearing aid.  I remember on a few occasions I would be looking all over the house for what was beeping.  Then finally my mom would come in and tell me it was my dad's hearing aid, he would be just sitting there smiling.  I miss that sound.  It meant he was close by.  It was comforting to hear it and we would all have a laugh about it.  Then he would turn it off so it wouldn't buzz and he could ignore us all.
7. Talking about the Leafs.  We could talk forever about why they were going to be good and how come they were so terrible.  He knew all my favorite players and I knew who he liked.  We would talk late at night after a big game and chat about the leafs.  A couple times we watched the game late at night together on the phone.  When I was little he would let me stay up and watch the games with him and I would re-enact the plays in our living room, Show him the great save or show him how I would celebrate that goal.  He would sit, smile, laugh and take it all in. 
8. Sitting with my dad.  I miss just being around him.  Sitting in the family room next to him.  Or sitting in a car for a ride.  I loved driving my dad around in his Cadillac.  It was one of the best memories I have.  He would sit and relax and talk to me.  He would ask me stuff and we would chat.  I could sit next to him for a lifetime and talk about everything.  Sometimes when I am driving around I put my hand on the passenger seat and think about my dad sitting there.  Think about him looking out the window or asking me about my life.  I try and imagine him just being silent and with me even now as I drive alone.
9. Being there.  I miss my dad just being there for me.  I never ever felt like I was a burden on him.  He was always so happy to do anything for me.  I don't know anyone that took as much joy as he did in doing things for other people.  He would do things with no questions asked.  He would be there in a flash.  Time and distance was never an issue.  I miss the security of knowing that I always had someone to turn to and lean on.  Someone that would catch me if I ever fell.  I hope that in the last years my dad felt that I was that to him as well.  I was there for him in a second and do anything.  I know he still felt like he was a burden to me for things but he was a joy.  I worked so hard to see him happy.  There were so many times I had to call him late at night when my car broke down.  I never felt bad about calling him and I he never made me feel bad for coming to help.  He was such an amazing dad.
10. My dad's voice. To hear his voice on the other end of the phone was so comforting.  I loved it.  I long for it.  Sometimes when I lose myself and forget for that split moment he is gone I think he is going to call and I am going to get to hear his voice again.  Throughout the day I look at the phone and hope he calls.  I know he won't be calling but I dream about the days he would call me.  Even when my mom calls, there is that split second I pick up the phone and expect him to be there.  Sometimes in the car I would listen to him talk and it was nice.   He used to tell all these stories that I have heard about a million times, he would sit in his chair and talk.  Even when I wasn't listening to the stories I was listening to his voice.  Sometimes I would go do other things but I would still be listening.  There is no where to go now to hear it.  To hear my dad say "Hey Mills".  I miss him so much.

These are the things I miss about my dad.  They are the specifics but there is the bigger thing of just seeing him.  Just watching him walk in the door at our house.  Just walking into his house to see him sitting at the kitchen table.  I just can't believe this life is going on and I don't have my dad.  As time passed my dad and I were a team to get the big stuff done.  I loved helping him.  Now I don't have that person to lean on.  It seems people are more expecting stuff from me than supporting me.  I guess that is how my dad felt.  I look at pictures and miss him so much.  I wish I had more moments with him. I try and feel his embrace or his hand on my shoulder, the feel of his shirt when we hugged, but the moments are so fleeting.  There is nothing but a void.  It isn't something you get over, it is something that is with you for the rest of my life.  I will always miss my dad, every second of this life I will wish  my dad was here.  I miss him beyond this life and whatever comes hereafter.  

It breaks me apart to know that Quinn and Ronin will not get a chance to truly have this great man fill their hearts like he filled mine.  They will never truly know how much love their Aaja had in his heart just for them.  A place he kept safe his whole life just for the 2 perfect little pieces to fill in.  He never got to enjoy it as long as he should have.

I love you dad, you will always be in my heart and in my soul.  My heart will always long for you.  You are, and will always be, the greatest man I have ever known, and my hero.

3 Months Today and How to Support Me

It has been 3 months (today) that my dad passed.  I can't believe this life. When did the life I had all planned out change to this one?  When did I start to feel like I can't turn to anyone?  It was at 12:13 am on July 13, 2011.  The time my dad passed.
Since then life just doesn't seem as fulfilling.  I don't have someone that I could always count on.  When I walk alone, I really feel alone.  I don't have someone just waiting for me.   I don't have someone that fills a room with their very presence.  I don't have my hero showing me the way everyday.  It is such a lonely feeling. 

I try to keep my mind elsewhere through the days but the truth is I want to be with my dad.  I want to sit in a room watching Ronin and Quinn play with Brenda, my mom, and my dad. I want us all to laugh at the silly things the kids do, marvel at how far Quinn has come, and be amazed at all the things Ronin does so easily.  That is where I want to be, but that is all a dream now.  So far away.  I remember when we were doing it.  It was nice but the hard part was that is was just so natural that I didn't realize how great the moment was when I was in it.  I had everyone I loved right there.  Right next to me.  Now the person I looked to is gone.  The picture is incomplete. 

It has been 3 months my dad hasn't been here but it has been a lifetime worth of sadness.  I sometimes think if my dad can see me, if he misses me where ever he is.  If he can, I know he is crying.  He would be so sad to know how upset I am but I also know he would understand.  He would understand how much I miss him and how much I love him.  All through my life my dad was tough on me.  Pushing me further than I thought I could go and being hard on me when I didn't do things right.  The funny thing was that when I messed up, I mean really messed up, like police cars at the house messed up, he never yelled at me.  I know he was disappointed but I also think he knew how hard I was taking it and didn't want to add to it.  Maybe he was also in shock.   Either way, I just remember that when I needed him the most and he had a great opportunity to let me have it, he never did.  He was so caring, loving, and supportive. 
Sometimes I wonder what my dad really knew of all the trouble I got in growing up.  I know he knew the trouble I was getting in but let me find my way, the same way he did.  There are so many people out there that think they know my dad.  They think they got him down but they are so wrong.  He is very different than most people know.  The stern exterior was just a manner of how proper he was.  Underneath he was caring, loving, and generous.  He was so funny.  He loved to laugh.  He loved to do thing for people just to make himself feel good.  He wasn't one in a million, he was one of a kind... period.

Many people have told me that they just don't know how to console me or to help me through this.  They don't understand what it is like and don't know exactly house I am feeling.  They say and do things but they just don't seem to help.  I thought long and hard and decided to see how I would console... me.   What would I do if I was in the position of these people.  I have tried to explain it to them but I am not doing a good job.

First thing, I am not operating on a day to day basis.  So calling or checking in every day or so doesn't really help.  I am trying to survive from hour to hour.  My mind is constantly racing with memories of my dad and all the times I won't be sharing with him.  It literally happens multiple times an hour.  It is very rare for me to go through an hour without crying. So what would I do for me?  Call, email, text.  Let me vent about how much it hurts and it sucks.  Giving me the "bright" side doesn't work because you are not in a position to provide that kind of context.  Also, my dad is gone, there is no bright side of anything.  They tell me that at least I had time with him, really?  Of course I had time with him and that is why I love him so much and we were so close.  They tell me that at least you were close.  Really?  Of course we were close, that is why it has crushed my world that he is gone.  I would not try and "fix" the situation, because it can't be fixed, unless you can bring my dad back.

Second thing, I would do everything I could to interact with.. me.  I would plan dinner, lunch, breakfast, brunch.  Anything to help.  I would help out anyway I could so that I wouldn't feel that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Everyone is relying on me.  My mom, Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, they are all looking to me to resolve the things my dad used to do.  That is a lot of pressure considering how broken I feel.  Also considering I don't have anyone to lean on.  I don't have that person that I can look to know. So I would help me do everything.  I would sit down and plan out all the things I need to do.  Make a list and take a huge portion of them.  I would do anything to make sure I don't feel lost.

Third thing, I would ask lots of questions about my dad.  I would ask me to tell me about growing up and what I remember about my dad. I would encourage me to talk about my dad all the time.  Let me brag about my dad, because there is so much to brag about.  I would let me talk for hours about the great things he did and the great man he was.  I would let me laugh and I would let me cry about him. 

Fourth thing, I would spend time with my mom.  A lot of heartache comes from knowing how much my mom misses my dad.  I feel so much better when I hear my mom is going out for lunch or dinner or people are coming over.  I know she is occupied and gets a chance to take a tiny break from missing him, even for a few seconds.  I would go spend time with my mom.

The fifth and final thing, I would encourage me to feel terrible. I would do everything I could to not try and stop it.  It needs to run the cycle and the more people try and "save" me from it, the harder it is.  Just let me cry, let me yell, let me break down.  Only then can I start to put the pieces back together.

These are my thoughts on how to help me, but in fact there is nothing anyone can do to make me "feel" better or help me work through the thought process of losing my dad.  It is something I have to deal with on my own.  Every heart breaking second of the journey.  When I look at pictures or remember happy times it is just so hard to understand that 5 months ago we were planning a road trip to look for wheels for the Lexus, now he is gone.  It seems almost like in a blink of an eye.  I love you so much dad and will miss you for the rest of my days.

Fear and Putting me first

I have been having a hard time trying to figure life out.  Some really tough things have happened lately and I just miss having my dad around.  He was that person I could talk to.  He would just put me back in balance and give me that stable footing to go forward.  I don't have that anymore and feel like I am spinning out of control.  I can't turn around without heart ache.

My dad was that person I always looked up to.  He was the example I set my life against.  He was and always will be that father figure I could turn to.  I don't have that anymore.  I don't have that one person I can turn to and believe everything they say 100%.  I don't have the one person that I look up to that I trust with my life.  He was it.  What do I do now?  I am so scared of not having a person like him to count on.  I am so scared that I am alone.  I am so scared to live a life without my dad.  I am so scared to live my life with heart break every day.  I am scared my dad isn't OK where ever he is.  I feel I lost so much when my dad passed.  I have Brenda and the kids. I have my mom.  I don't have that male figure to guide me.  I feel lost. 90% of my life I don't need anyone but there is that 10% that I need that person to lean on.  My dad would be there for me without me asking.  We could work through that 10% together.  Who do I have now? I am so scared of this life.  How do I rest my head at night, how do I wake up in the morning, how do I deal with tough times?  How do I do all this without having my dad to turn to. Even the 90% I dealt with in life, he still gave the the confidence to do things.  It is all gone.  I lost his support for the 10% and the confidence to deal with the 90%.

People just don't understand the emotional stress and pain you go through trying to get the best possible life for Quinn.  They can't understand.  It is with you always.  I had my dad behind me to look up to.  Someone I could look to as an example of composure.  Someone I could let it all out to and he would still love me.  That is why lots of times we got angry at each other because I could be comfortable and let all the stuff inside out with him.  I don't have that with anyone else.  Everyone else I feel it is their feelings first and mine second.  With my dad it was me first.  He was always concerned about me.  I know that was his role as a parent but he was so much beyond that.  Think of having a friend that was always there.   Would do things just because they could feel you could use something to pick you up.  Then imagine that person is who you look up to your whole life.  That was my dad.  He was always there as a friend and always loved me as a father.  I always felt so close in his heart.  Never a day would go where I would have any doubt that he loved me.  It is heartbreaking that I don't have that.  My role is to lift people around me up, I pick them up and then seeing them happy lifts me up. With my dad it was the other way.  It was his role to lift me up and when I was happy he was lifted up. I am so lost.  I used to remember walking in the bitter cold and feeling like my face was going to fall off, it was my dad that I kept in my mind to help me get through.   I would think about talking to him when I got out of the cold and tell him how cold it was.  I would think about calling him to make sure he didn't go out in the cold and was OK.  I have no choice but to find someone else to put in my mind in these times but it is hard.  I know lots of people love me so much and I love them but my dad was me.  We were so similar that it was almost like talking to myself.  That is what I lost.  I was reading an article about when one twin passes away.  The lost portion of their soul the living twin lives with.  A lot of that resonated with me.  My dad and I weren't just close, we were almost the same.  So when I say I am alone it is because the other half of me is gone.  Nothing fit that half exactly like my dad.
I sleep so little at night.  I toss and turn. I think about my dad and cry.  It is every night.  I wish I had more family support and it wasn't just my mom and I.  Every morning I have so much sadness and most mornings the fear sends my heart racing.  I miss my dad and life in general is so scary for me without my dad.  No one can understand how I feel because they don't know what he meant for me in my heart and my mind.
In my life now it is my mom, Brenda, Ronin, and Quinn. That is it.  There are other people that come and go but everyone else has a life on their own.  For us it is everyday.

I went dirt biking this past weekend and it was lots of fun but there were moments on the trail where I had tears streaming down my face because I was doing all this stuff and the one person I wanted to tell, I couldn't.  The one person that was just waiting for me and only me was gone.  I finished the day and just couldn't believe that I didn't have my dad to call and tell.  We would have had a good laugh at the falls I took and how scared I was to climb some of the inclines that everyone else was falling on. But I couldn't.  No one else cares as much as he did.  I was always top of the list.

Never Enough

I have been thinking a lot of the life I had with my dad.  Talking with people of their perception of the relationship I had with my dad.   I remember all the time I spent with my dad.  How he always looked out for me.  I think about the times I would not hang out with my friends to go with my dad where ever he needed to go, if it was his office, to help my aunts/uncles, or even to just go to the store.  If he asked, I would go.  I loved being around my dad.

As I look back on these times I think it wasn't enough.  I especially think that when I got older I moved away from that.  I had my own life and didn't take enough time to do special things with him.  In fact it isn't the special things, it is the every day things.  Just going to the store with him. I would ask him a few times to go with him and he would tell me that I don't need to worry about it.  But I wanted to be with him.  I could sit in a car and chat with my dad forever.  We never got bored of sitting with each other.  I miss those times.  Brenda said that the relationship I had with my dad was easy.  It was so relaxed and comfortable.  That is so accurate.  It was like home sitting with him.  Now I don't have that place I can go and feel totally at home.
I think about the hugs we shared, I think about the kisses I gave him, the compliments and thanks I extended to him. It was all not enough.  There was always room to do more.  I don't think you could ever come to a place where doing nice things for the people you love is enough.  I could never see his happy face enough.
This week I realized that my dad never saw me play or practice football.  In the back of my mind I knew it but when he was around I never asked him why.  He saw almost every one of my hockey games and practices but not football. I wish he had. I loved playing sports and looking up to see him in the stands. It is one of my great memories of my dad growing up.  Seeing him cheer me on.  I used to get grief from my coaches when I was younger for looking in the stands at my dad instead of at them.  I used to tell my dad that I was more interested in what he was telling me then the coaches.

My dad made a comment at my wedding in his speech that I always wanted him in my life.  I am glad even back then he knew it. I always wanted to have him around.  In fact in recent years I got mad at my parents for not being around more.  I guess looking back I should savored the time I did have with them.
I have a hard time remembering the times I told my dad I loved him or the times we hugged.  I am sure it wasn't enough.  Brenda said we did that all the time, maybe because it happened all the time that is why I can't remember specific instances.  I definitely didn't sit and chat with him about important things enough.  Talk to him about what made him truly happy and what made him sad.  People said he was of the generation that you don't talk about that stuff.  Parents don't share that kinds of stuff with their children. I know my dad would have talked with me.
Days are so tough without my dad.  I am not sure if I am more upset about my dad missing me or upset about me missing my dad.  Am I sorry he can't be here or am I sorry I have to go on alone. Maybe there is no distinction and they are one and the same.  If I am worried that my dad is in a better place then, I am guessing, I think I am going to be fine.  If I am worried about what I do without him, then that is going to be a longer road.  I honestly don't know what it is.  When I think about special occasions I think about my dad not being there and how he would love it.  I also think about how much I miss him and how much it hurts.  The thoughts go together.

My mom shared with me that the weekend before my dad went into the hospital they took the kids to the park while we painted at our house.  On the way back both kids were too tired so my dad carried Ronin part of the way....  My mom said it was tough but he would take breaks.  It must have been so heart warming to have this little boy just wand to be in your arms so bad.  I know my dad must have loved it.  My parents and I have never been to the park together with the kids.  We should have gone.
There is so much I wanted to do with my dad.  People tell me to focus on the stuff we did do.  I try to but I am greedy I still want more.  I so badly want more time with my dad to do the stuff we enjoyed.  People tell me at least he got to meet his grand children. That isn't enough.  I wanted to him to see them grow up.  I wanted him to see Ronin's first hockey game and buy him his first hockey stick.  I wanted him to see Quinn play soccer in a league.  My dad loved sports and obviously that is where I get it from. I never played enough sports with him later in life.  I was always in a rush to something that really didn't matter.

My life is forever changed and I will do more of the things I want to with the people I care about.  Maybe that is why my dad did everything for everyone, because he didn't have a dad to lean on growing up so he wanted to be to everyone else what he never had.  He was the greatest man I have ever known. I love him so much.

Sharing Moments & Needing Help

I have been having a tough time lately reaching out to anyone.  It seems I have it set in my head to talk about me and how I am struggling with family/friends when I meet them but the conversation turns into how they miss my dad so much.  I reach out to people online (text, bbm, email) and get support that way but it isn't the same as sitting with someone and letting it all out.

People ask me how I am but almost before I respond they are off talking about how much they are hurting.  I listen and support but it is wearing on me.  I can't be everything to people now, they are looking for my dad in me to help them and as much as I would love to do that, I can't.  My dad meant the world to me, as everyone knows, and I am having such a hard time not having him around.  I used to dote on my dad all the time.  I used to love to get him things, do stuff for him, and see his smiling face.  That face brought joy to my very soul.  To make this man, that gave everything to everyone else, smile.  It was my piece of heaven.  That is all gone.  I like to see the kids smile and other people, but not as much as my dad.  To work as long as he did for everyone he loved and then to get joy just for himself was amazing.  I loved him so much.  I guarantee I loved him more than anyone, except my mom.  I don't care what anyone says.  I talked to him everyday and sat with him every week to chat.  Now what do I do?  I don't have anyone to turn to that will support me like my dad.  I don't have anyone that will light up my soul the way my dad did.

I was thinking this week that I never knew how hard it was to miss someone so much and not be able to tell them.  Anyone I have missed in the past I could get the opportunity that I miss them.  Not with my dad. I miss him the most and can't tell him.  People say they that he knows but that is of little consolation now.

Everything seems to be turning inwards.  I don't feel as comfortable telling people how I feel as much as I do just feeling it on my own.  I find I have to be on my own to talk about my dad.

Today my mom and I did our whole yard and got it ready for winter. The picture above was my handy work a couple years ago. It was nice to do and keep busy outside. We chopped and trimmed the tree's.  We mowed the lawn.  It was great time with my mom and I am sure we both were thinking that we wish my dad was here.  I especially wanted my dad to see me do these things that he never saw me do.  Pruning a tree?  Milan?  He would say something like "You did what?"  I wish he could have seen me do it.  We did it all and every step of the way I wanted to break into tears because my dad should have been there.  It was all too familiar but all so different.  My mom in her yard clothes, the tools across the lawn, my dad's Cadillac in the driveway with the trunk open.  It was all how it was, except my dad was gone.  I trimmed one tree and got a little Edward Scissorhands with he trimmer.  When my mom looked up all the leaves were gone... I thought in my head that my dad would have had a good laugh he would have said "I thought Mills was going to start trimming the Cadillac next".  We got the top of one of our trees that my parents couldn't get last year because we didn't have a ladder then.  When we were all done and all the stuff put away it really hit me.  I took my dad for granted, all the stuff he did, and now he is gone and I can't show him that I can do these things. I know if I had told him that I can do it he would have told me "What are fathers for?"  They are to love, they are to hold on to so that you are safe, they are to look up to and dream someday to be just half the man he was.  They aren't for yard work.  I sure miss the times that I sat and laughed with my dad.  It was some of the best times.  He enjoyed giving me a hard time.  I miss that so much.  I remember sitting with him on the front step chatting about the yard and then about cars.  He was in a rush to leave because he thought I had somewhere better to be.  I told him I have time, to sit and rest.  He never wanted to be a burden to me and he never was, ever.  He was exactly the opposite.  Think of someone that was an extreme burden on everything you did, and he was exactly the opposite.

The other day I pulled into the garage at my parents house (it will always be both of theirs house) with the Cadillac.  It was raining so the wipers were going.  My dad has a ball that hangs that tells him when he is in the garage.  Needless to say Mr. Ball met Mr. Wipers and Mr. Ball went flying.  It was so funny.  All I could think about was how my dad would have laughed so hard to see that.  But he isn't here.  I can't call him to tell him.  I don't have anyone that would appreciate it like him.

All these moments are happening and I don't have my best friend next to me to share them.  I played hockey tonight and scored a few goals.  As I skated by the bench after the goals my team was giving me a lot of grief about showing no emotion and said I didn't care.  I didn't say anything.  They don't understand that a goal or two in a recreation league means nothing when the one thing I want more than anything in my life is gone.  After the game I left, got back to the car and just cried.

I miss you so much dad.

I Miss You Dad

2 months ago today I lost my dad.  I miss him so much.  He went into the hospital on May 21st so it has been 4 months since I saw my dad walking around and I miss him.

What has happened in the last 2 months?  It has been a blur.  Celebrated his 74th birthday without him.  Celebrated my parents 42nd Wedding Anniversary without him.  Celebrated Brenda's birthday without him.  Quinn had her first day of school without him.  All these things happened without my father.  Life just keeps going on but I don't have my dad.  Some days I feel I can do this but lately it has been a slide backwards.  Lots of tears and wishing my dad was here.

One of my dad's friends described my father not as a man but more of a vital life force.  That is what he was to me.  The life force behind who I am.  People describe my life when they try to help as I have Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, my mom, Kanch, Friends, other Family, my work, my health, and my Dad.  They say these are all the components of my life and I need to focus on the other components now that my dad is gone.   It isn't like that at all, the layout of my life isn't correct.  My dad was integrated into everything.  My relationship with Quinn and Ronin as a father is defined by my father.  My relationship with my mom and Kanch is defined by my dad as the leader of the family.  I work because of the example my dad set and look to make him proud.  All the other things, including Brenda, are interactions with me, and I am no longer whole.  It is like my dad and I were two lenses.  When they are together the vision is clear, without one and everything is distorted and not as it should be.  I can't see anymore.  I can't see life anymore and I am scared.

Ronin wasn't feeling well so he stayed home with me.  He did his best to cheer me up and he is so full of life. I think he deserves more than a father that is so broken.  Quinn is screaming for more attention and I just can't give her all that I used to. Every morning I take her to the bus and watch her drive away and cry.  I look around me, up to the sky, on the rooftops, for some sign of my dad.  I ask him to keep her safe and that I miss him so much and wish he was standing next to me.

I have all these visions of my dad when he was with me.  Things he would say, how he would feel, what he would do, and it hurts so much to know I will never see him again.  I played hockey last night for the first time since before my dad got sick.  I was dreading it.  Even sitting in the parking lot I was debating not going in and just going home.  I didn't want to face the people that knew my dad was gone.  I didn't think I had the fortitude to make an effort to play.  I did go in.  I didn't say anything to anyone.  They offered their condolences saying that it was terrible and that my dad was a bit on the young side.  I couldn't even muster a word of response. I went on the ice and played. I was tired and whenever I was on the bench I looked up to the stands and remembered all that time my dad spent with me at arena's.  I remember him standing there with his eyes locked on me.  He gave me the most inspirational words when I didn't think I could do things in hockey.  I always felt him close and it helped me try things I didn't think I could do.  I sat there last night looking up into the stands and tears running down my face.  Wishing my dad was there.  Wishing he was still cheering me on.  He used to cheer me on even when I was on the bench. How does one person make you feel so strong and safe?  How does one person make you believe anything is possible?  Now that he is gone I am weak and unsafe.  Without him I don't believe anything is possible.

I know he would want me to go on with life.  He would want me to not worry about him.  He would want me to pick up the pieces of my life and lead everyone forward.  I have to do it but everything still feels so painful.  I could never not worry about my dad.  In the last few years I took great pride in making sure my dad was OK.  I liked nurturing my father to make sure he had everything he wanted and he was happy.  I wanted to make sure he had a drink or that he was comfortable.  I didn't like hearing he wanted anything he didn't have.  When he went to the hospital I had to be there.  I had to make sure he had everything he needed.  I had to make sure he came home.  When he passed I feel I lost my friend, my father, my protector, but also I let him down.  I was also protecting and nurturing him and I didn't keep him safe.  My whole life he kept his end of the bargain of keeping me safe but I didn't keep up my part when it mattered most.

He wouldn't want me to be sad about him being gone, but he didn't want me to worry about him when he was here.  I still did.  I remember all the times that we were out or doing something and there was a lot of walking and he told me to just go on ahead.  I told him I am not leaving you.  I told him you were my dad and I am not leaving you.  He never would want to burden anyone and he never did.  Our pain is not the result of a burden he left but more of a love lost.

I miss you dad.  I try to have positive days and move forward but the more the motion of life moves forward the more pain I have.  It is like life is pulling me away from my dad and I am scared.  I don't want to move away from him, I want to move closer.  In the terrible times during the day I hold my hand and try to squeeze it the way he did.  I try and think about the comfort he tried to give him from his hospital bed.  I try and hold on.  I try desperately to hold on to my dad.  Anything that I can do to bring him closer but it doesn't work and I feel so hurt not having him around.  I just want to live this life again with my dad. I am looking for some comfort and there is nothing or no one that can support me where my dad did.  I felt I could do anything with my dad around.  I have to find my way in this life alone now, no more will I have the life force behind me.  The lens is distorted.

Quinn's First Day of School

This past week was Quinn's first day of school.  We were worried about what she would do and how she would be.  Mick and Grammy started the process of talking about school and getting her excited about it while we were in South Africa.  Then when we came back we continued to talk to her about it.  On the morning of her first day we got her ready, packed her knapsack and watched her reaction.

She was actually really excited to go.  We talked about the bus coming and her teacher and she seemed very happy.

We waited for the bus together and Ronin as usual entertained himself while waiting.

When the bus did arrive, Quinn was so excited she ran for the bus and found her seat and was so happy.  It was such a relief we didn't have to carry her on and then try and lock her in.  There was a mix up on the bus stuff so her first day she didn't have a seat belt.  We talked with the bus driver and told her to give it a go and she will probably just stay in her seat.  She ended up doing just that and it was more difficult to get her out.  After she got picked up Brenda and I, with Ronin, stalked the bus and went to the school to see how she did coming off the bus.  I walked fairly close so I could see her.  I saw her Teaching Assistant go on the bus and then eventually Quinn came out holding hands.  She would take 4 steps and then stop.   Look around and try and figure what this is all about.  Take 4 more steps and stop again.  The TA was so patient with her and eventually she went into the area with all the other kids.  She was so cute and so big.  Hard to believe 4 years have passed.

It was a special day for her but as I stood there watching her it was a reminder that Quinn was different.  I watched other parents walk with their kids and complain about clothes, shoes, backpacks and other insignificant things and I was just hoping my little girl wasn't made fun of.  I was hoping other people could see all the love this little girl has in her heart.  I was hoping that someday I was more concerned about clothes than therapy or doctor appointments.  It was hard to see how other people live.  Then I shook my head and focused on this amazing little girl that fights every step of the way and has laughs and smiles for everyone.  Life isn't easy but she is finding her way.

On her first day Quinn didn't have a snack at didn't nap at daycare.  So much to take in and too much to see to really slow down to eat and sleep!  The next day she ran on the bus and had a great day. She has been so happy to go to school.  It is such a relief.  She is such a beautiful old soul.  Here is a video of her dash to the bus with her brother trailing behind!!!

My Dad's wish fulfilled

A couple of days ago Brenda and I returned from South Africa.  It was such an emotional trip and so hard to do for me.   We booked on a Thursday and left on the following Monday.  I tried to sort out some South African documents at the embassy here but they are not exactly efficient and had to leave without them.  I was trying to get emergency travel documents for some stuff I had to do in South Africa.  I called them today and they said they just came in.... How is it an emergency when it takes almost 2 weeks to get the documents?  Anyways, everything worked out without that stuff.  It was incredibly hard sitting in the Embassy without my dad.  He had been here more than a few times and I sat there crying my eyes out as I waited for stuff to get done.  People were asking if I was OK and I told them I was fine, just get the documents done so I could go.  They knew my dad had passed away, what did they think was wrong?

Anyways, we flew to South Africa with my two aunts which was nice because we didn't have to fly alone but at the same time it was so hard for my mom to have 4 people she loved leave at the same time.  All day I was dreading getting on the flight because I knew what the flight was about and it was focused on the fact my dad had passed.  I didn't want to do it because I was worried about the emotional stress.  I knew there was no way I wasn't going to go but it was difficult from the beginning.

The flight was grueling to say the least.  13hrs to Dubai and then almost 9hrs to Durban.  The flight from Toronto to Dubai was on the Emirates super plane, the airbus 380, the double decker one.  It was nice with all the amenities and multimedia but the seats were hard.  Very hard.  I was surprised, given how new the plane was, it also had ashtrays around, which was also strange.

On the way there we stayed over a night in Dubai and toured around the city.  It isn't what I expected at all.  There really isn't any "Dubai Culture".  There are massive expensive hotels, restaurants I recognize, and money.... lots of money. However, there isn't any Arab culture there, it is the only city in the United Arab Emirates that allows drinking because of it's attraction to tourists.  All the other cities have no drinking and no bars because of their Muslim roots.  We saw the usual and headed to Durban in the morning.

When we arrived in Durban the first thing we saw when we collected all our baggage was family, lots of family.  It was such a nice surprise to be greeted by so many people.  I know a lot of them was there to see my aunts but it was family none the less.  They all hugged us and it was nice to feel welcomed.  We then went back to my uncle's house and everyone came, plus more people.  There was so much family around and I kept thinking that this is what my dad loved.  Family around, the more the merrier.  So at the same time it was comforting, it was also very emotional, I had to take a few breaks to go into other room when my emotions got the best of me.  I couldn't believe that after 23 years I was back in South Africa and my dad wasn't with me.  I cried a lot on the plane and then even more when we arrived.  My Uncle Rakesh took us around and really looked out for us.  He made sure we were OK even if we weren't with him and really gave us the royal treatment.  We drove up the coast in Durban one evening which was really nice.

The next day was the big day.  We were doing the ashes ceremony.  There was a lot of heart ache and stress associated with the logistics of getting the ashes done the way I wanted it and the way I know my dad would have wanted it.  The days and times kept getting switched, some people didn't want to participate, some other people wanted it their way and not mine.  Anyways, it worked out OK.  The prayer was nice, the ashes went into the same water that my grand parents and my aunt went into.  The place is called Albert Falls and it was such a great place that my dad used to go fishing when he was young.  It just felt like he should have been standing next to me telling me all the stories about the place, but he wasn't, and I missed hearing his voice in a place that important to him.

 It was peaceful and I got time to sit and talk to my dad , thanks largely to Brenda (long story with too much Maharaj drama).  It told him that I knew he was home but his home is with me.  To please stay with me, help me, and guide me.  Keep the kids safe and help Quinn find her way.  I cried so much that day that my eyes hurt.  I looked at the water tried to hear his voice in my head and feel good about doing something my dad really wanted.  I asked him if I will ever see him again in this life or the next.  I told him he was and always will be my hero.  Told him I loved him beyond words and that he was a man above all others.  I also repeated some things that I told him when he was leaving us, but those are words for him and me and not for anyone else.  I miss him terribly and still cry all the time.  I think about the life he gave me and I am forever thankful.  He is truly one of a kind.  There were so many things I said that day as I sat on the rocks talking to him.  I told him I didn't know what this life was supposed to be like without him.  I told him all about my pain and my struggles.  It was a moment that was just for my dad and me.

 
After the ashes, we went around Pietermaritzburg which was the city my dad grew up in.  We saw the old places he worked, visited some old friends and heard all the same messages.  He was a great man, unlike anyone they had ever met.  He was meticulous and had a memory like nothing they had seen before. It was nice to hear but at the same time, he was my dad, and I knew all this.  I wish I had more time to sit and tell him just how great I knew he was.  It wasn't like I wasn't sure about my dad.  It wasn't like I thought he was an OK guy or that I didn't hold him in the highest regard.  He was amazing, I knew that in my heart without a doubt.  So everyone we met, pulled me into tears either in their presence or during the walk back to the car.  All I could think about is that I had this great guy as a dad and I don't feel I appreciated him as much as I should have.  He was my dad but beyond that he was an amazing man.

We had a prayer for my dad that night and a lot of his friends came and shared stories and told me some heart felt messages about my dad.  There was a time during their stories where they had said that I really didn't know him.... What?  He is my dad.  They said I didn't know the man he was back in South Africa.  I took it as long as I could and then made a point to tell them that THEY didn't know him.  I knew the man they talked about but they didn't know the man he had become.  In the last 10 years of his life the man they had known had changed.  The man I know was this man that was so caring and gentle.  A blessed soul that could not do enough for the people he loved.  It was a grandfather that changed everything he thought about the world the day his little princess was born and stole his heart.  It was a man that was in awe of a boy that would never stop being a boy.  He was a person that was so full with love that it spread to everyone close to him.  This was my father.  They shared they stories of loss with a little bit of disregard of the pain I was in and I had to remind them that they lost a brother, friend, or relative but I lost my dad and when he left a piece of me died.  It was more of this constant struggle with my dad's family and friends but it was OK.  I know they were hurting.  We finished the prayer and the next day went to a prayer for my dad at 6:30am in a temple that he and my grandfather built.  It was a nice service and I cried the whole way through.  Sitting in this temple that my dad felt so strongly about without him.  Looking at the walls and the floor and thinking he was here over 50 years ago.  It was so emotional.  Prayer and Hindu hymns in general now have this effect of bringing me to tears because they remind me of the time of losing my dad.

The rest of that day we did some rapid fire visiting with people all over Pietermaritzburg.  I think we visited well over 20 different people that day.  All were so welcoming to me and all wanted us to have tea.  I have never refused so much beverages and cookies in all my life!!  We stayed only about 10 minutes or so at each person's house and they were so happy I could spend that.  I know Brenda's head was spinning trying to keep in order who was who and how they were related to me.  I stopped trying after a while and just relied on my Aunt Uma to tell my mom who they were when she talked to her in Canada!
After those visits we went to see my Uncle in Estcourt.  He and my aunt had so much food waiting for us. We sat down and ate a little till we were full.  Then we realized that it wasn't dinner but appetizers...  Brenda and I just looked at each other and laughed.  We weren't surprised given how much food is always around.  It is just part of the culture.  We had a relaxing night with my uncle and aunt and had time to sleep in then head back to Pietermaritzburg but not before we bought $80 worth of biscuits!! I was just grabbing 1 of each of the biscuits my mom loves and my uncle put 3 more of each in the cart.  It was quite the haul of cookies!!  My Uncle Jay also played such a huge role in making sure I was taken care of everywhere in South Africa and always made a point of seeing us almost every day especially since he lived almost 3 hours away.  After that we headed back to Durban to spend some time with all my family before we headed out the next day.  It was amazing how quickly they got everyone on my mom's side together for dinner.  We all went out to an African place called Moyo. It was a nice place on the beach.  There were so many laughs and jokes and it was nice to be again surrounded my so much family, I thought my mom would feel so much better here with her family that loves her so much.  I also felt so much longing for my dad.  I could almost hear his voice as he would tell stories and laugh and joked with everyone.  I fought back the tears so hard.  I closed my eyes and could almost hear his voice.

After that we went back to my uncle's house chatted to early in the morning and then got some sleep.  Woke up and then realized there was no way all the cookies and presents everyone gave would be able to make it back to Canada in the one checked luggage we brought.  So we borrowed one piece from my uncle and then they bought the kids presents and my other aunt/cousin showed up with some great South African Rugby jackets.  The next thing we had another checked luggage.  We came with one piece of luggage at 18kg coming and leaving with 3 pieces!  After trying to sort out the luggage we made a mad dash to the airport.  It is so different there.  A ton of my family came to the airport to see us off.  It was unbelievable.  They all hung out and chatted.  They stayed with us to the very moment we went through security.  We had some issues with the luggage but got it straightened out and all the luggage made it back to Canada with us.

I just can't believe the people on my mom's side of the family they have their drama but they are so close.  They don't let anything get in the way of being close.  On my dad's side it is different, they are just looking for ways to argue.  I tried to help them realize what was important and will continue to support them as I am sure my dad would want.  I did get a chance to go see my dad's brother who lived about 30 minutes outside of Durban.  It was obvious that no family had reached out to him.  The moment I got out of the car he was emotional and when I told him I came half way around the world just to see him he broke down.  He had such love and respect for my dad and for me to reach out to him after my dad was gone really took him back.  When I left there I knew my dad would have been so proud of me for going out of my way to see him.  He had been excluded from the rest of the family in South Africa and I wish I could have called my dad to tell him how happy he was to see me but that wasn't possible so again, I cried.

The trip home was long but not as bad as going.  We did get some sleep but got delayed through New York.  The plane ride was 23 hours of crying for me.  Just thinking about coming home and trying to figure out what life is supposed to be.  Can't believe I am coming home and can't tell my dad about everything we did.  It really hit home when we came out into the terminal and my dad wasn't there.  He wasn't there waving at me and wasn't there to hug me.  Very lonely feeling.

Brenda got a good taste of my family and it's differences.  We got a taste of South Africa and hope to be back there soon.  But the purpose of the trip was to fulfill my dad's wish.  He can be at rest knowing that it is complete.  People thought I could get a lot of peace by doing it.  I did get a sense of satisfaction but it doesn't make my heart hurt any less.  I still miss my dad and wish he was here.  I still long for his embrace and to hear his voice.  My heart doesn't know I have done this great thing for my dad, all it knows is my dad is still gone.