4 months and the festive season

June 16, 1975

This past weekend it was 4 months since my dad left.  I wish I could tell this story about how I have come so far and appreciate the good times.  I wish I could say that I have so much joy in my heart from knowing my dad.  I wish I could say things like this, things like what people want me to focus on, but I can't.

Don't get me wrong, I feel these things, in fact I felt these things my whole life and had them in my heart when my dad passed.  That being said, it is still so hard.  I still see visions of my dad in the hospital.  I still cry more times than I have fingers to count them.  I wish he was here every second.  The realization that I will never see him again, or hear him again, or feel his touch wakes me up every morning.

I still can't believe this is my life, and I don't have my dad with me.  There was still so much I wanted to learn from him.  So much I wanted to tell him.  I have found lately that when people ask me how I am doing, it is much less painful for me to just say "Fine".  That is really all they want to hear anyways.  Do people want to hear how much it hurts?  Do they want to know how much I cry?  No.

I find it hard to think about my dad and not cry.  I miss him that much.  I think about all the things we did.  I think about all the things he did for me. I think about how much he loves me.  I think about all this and realize it is gone.  He isn't here anymore.  Every morning I think about opening our front door to see if he is around.  I look out on our deck and picture my dad sitting there.  Every day I come home and picture my dad on the driveway with his Cadillac and the trunk open.

Every morning I see the kids, they wake up happy and ready to face the day.  Every day I think about another day my dad won't get a chance to be with them.  It is heart breaking.  I love my dad so much and it hurts so much. 

Christmas season is starting and every time I see Christmas lights my heart sinks. My dad loved to put up Christmas lights.  He stopped for a lot of years but when the kids came around he was back in full force.  It will be etched in my mind forever how he used to put out the Reindeer for the kids on the deck.  They used to stand at watch him work and he was so focused on getting it right for them.  There are so many Christmas memories I have of my dad and I just can't bring myself to documenting them because it will send me emotionally out of control.  Christmas was the time of the year I just loved being around my dad. He made such a point to bring our family and our extended family together.  I can't believe I won't see my dad on Christmas morning come into our house with his light up Santa hat on.  I can't believe that we won't all sit around my parents kitchen table and open the money box.  Everything hurts. I feel bad because the kids deserve a great Christmas every year.  It is going to be so hard to do that for them this year.   How do you smile when your inside in so sad?

I look back on the last year of my dad's life and think about all the opportunities I had to be closer to him.  I think about all the things I should have done.  I then think about his time in the hospital and all the things I should have said.  I am filled to the brim with regrets.  So many regrets that eat me alive every day.  I have no resolution for this pain because my dad isn't here.  Sometimes I think of just holding on until I can see him again but the realization that he is gone sinks in and tears flow down my face.  It is just unfair that I want to make my kids' lives amazing and I won't have the same for myself.  How can I have the best life I dreamed of without my dad.  The man I looked to for security and joy.  I don't know. 

Maybe I am just being selfish to say that my life is now not what I wanted but I shouldn't hinder other peoples lives from being great, like Brenda, Quinn, and Ronin.  Maybe this life is now not for me anymore but only for Brenda, Quinn, and Ronin.  I didn't include my mom in that list because I am sure she is in the same boat I am.   I think about my parents and the lives they had when I was growing up.  I only hope my dad got the kind of joy from me that I get from Quinn and Ronin.  It just isn't fair he didn't get joy from his grand kids as long as he should have.

Halloween 2011

The kids have been getting ready for Halloween this past week by putting up decorations and talking about candy!!
We put up the same bat we had last year.  How things change in a year.  This is a battery powered bat that flies around the roof.  Last year both kids took off when it was on.  This year it is non-negotiable for us to turn it off.  It burned through a set of batteries in less than a day!!!
We carved a pumpkin.  In fact we took the pumpkin to Aaji's and it was the first time she ever helped carve a pumpkin.  It was so much fun for the kids, they both actually reached in and ripped out the guts of the pumpkin.   We were all, including Aaji, sitting on the kitchen floor carving it out.  Ronin was helping cut the pumpkin, telling me to make sure it has a really scary face.  It was so great, but so heart breaking.   It was a moment that the kids enjoyed that I didn't have my dad to share it with.  Ronin is getting so big and such a personality.  He would have entertained my dad for hours.   Quinn also has become quite the jokester.  She would have had so many giggles with my dad.  All these moments instigate this pit I always carry in my stomach.

I picked up Ronin from daycare and he was excited right away.  They gave him loot bags to take home.  On the car ride home I let him have a "warm up" treat.  He had 3 chocolates.  I then told him not to tell his mom and his answer was "Maybe I will".  Little bugger. 
When they were both home from school they were excited to get the show on the road.  We were worried Ronin will not go in his costume and stick with the Turtle costume he wore last year.  A few comments on how cool this years costume was, got him right in.  They ate dinner, got dressed and were ready to go.  Quinn loved looking at her Unicorn costume in the mirror and then she would go over to pictures of my dad and point to him.  She would bring me over to the picture of my dad and point.  It was like she was showing my dad her costume and asking me to get him.  It broke my heart to pieces.  Even as we were heading out the door she looked back at my dad's picture and waved.  He would have been so proud of his little princess.  I wish he could see her.  I wish she could run to him and have that feeling of being safe.

As we got into the street our little spaceman led the way.  Quinn wasn't far behind and really like the whole idea of holding her bag.  That being said, she would decide she didn't like it as much and silently leave her bag in the middle of the sidewalk and keep going!  We would have to back track to pick it up.  There were so many houses that Ronin loved to go up and see.  After he would get his candy he would call Quinn and usually she would follow.  Quinn would then make a break for going inside people's house.  She loved all the decorations and has started this game of leaning on people's cars.  I am not sure where she learned that from but it is like she is hiding from a sniper.  It is quite funny!  She lost interest pretty quick and was happy to go home to see Aaji hand out candy.  Brenda and Ronin continued their trek onwards for more goodies!  Ronin was so good at keeping his space helmet on and was so polite.  He would always say "Trick or Treat" and then finish with a "Thank You".  People were so impressed.  He is such a special little boy.

When Brenda returned with Ronin we got a family picture and then the kids went through their loot. I took Aaji home so her house would not get egged!  She handed out more candy there.  While I was gone Brenda supervised Ronin and Quinn handing out the candy to the kids that came to the door.  They really had fun and Ronin provided the kids with a running commentary of what he was doing.  There was one time that Quinn got a little carried away and wanted to give some kids my boots!!! Such a giving little girl!  They genuinely loved it.  I asked Ronin what he had more fun doing getting candy or handing it out and he said he loved handing it out. 

When they went to bed there were a few straggler Trick or Treaters and every time the door bell rang Ronin would yell down from his bed "Make sure you don't give them all the candy!" Funny little boy.
While I was at my parents house I went to my dad's bedside to tell him about how great the kids were and how they miss you so much.  It is these special occasions that remind me that my dad is gone and never coming back.  I cried so hard for my dad the whole drive home.  I miss him so much.  I can almost feel his cheek on my lips for a kiss.  I can almost feel his hand on mine.  It feels so close but also so heartbreakingly far away.  I remember my parents doing so much for us for Halloween, whatever we wanted to go as, they would make it happen. The picture below has a custom Dracula cape from my mom and my dad was so proud.  He told everyone about this year because we all did so much to make the costume perfect.  I remember my dad and I searching for the "perfect" black pants.

All these great times just remind me my best friend for 38 years is gone.  These occasions break me down to disbelief my dad isn't here anymore.  It takes me back to the moments he left us. It hurts so much.  I was thinking the other day that my dad's initials, GM, are the 7th and 13th letters in the alphabet.  He passed away on the 13th day of the 7th month (July 13th).  I would love to know there is some greater plan that it was supposed to happen this way but I just want my dad back in spite of what anyone says about the way the universe is supposed to be.  I miss him so much. 

Someone sent me a quote a while back just after my dad passed and it feels so real to me:

Remembering you is easy I do it everyday,

Its the heartache of losing you that will never go away.

I miss you so much dad.  I miss you to the ends of this earth.  Always my hero.  Till we meet again.

More Halloween pictures are posted on the website:  

Brelan.ca - 2011 Halloween Pictures