My dad was that person I always looked up to. He was the example I set my life against. He was and always will be that father figure I could turn to. I don't have that anymore. I don't have that one person I can turn to and believe everything they say 100%. I don't have the one person that I look up to that I trust with my life. He was it. What do I do now? I am so scared of not having a person like him to count on. I am so scared that I am alone. I am so scared to live a life without my dad. I am so scared to live my life with heart break every day. I am scared my dad isn't OK where ever he is. I feel I lost so much when my dad passed. I have Brenda and the kids. I have my mom. I don't have that male figure to guide me. I feel lost. 90% of my life I don't need anyone but there is that 10% that I need that person to lean on. My dad would be there for me without me asking. We could work through that 10% together. Who do I have now? I am so scared of this life. How do I rest my head at night, how do I wake up in the morning, how do I deal with tough times? How do I do all this without having my dad to turn to. Even the 90% I dealt with in life, he still gave the the confidence to do things. It is all gone. I lost his support for the 10% and the confidence to deal with the 90%.
People just don't understand the emotional stress and pain you go through trying to get the best possible life for Quinn. They can't understand. It is with you always. I had my dad behind me to look up to. Someone I could look to as an example of composure. Someone I could let it all out to and he would still love me. That is why lots of times we got angry at each other because I could be comfortable and let all the stuff inside out with him. I don't have that with anyone else. Everyone else I feel it is their feelings first and mine second. With my dad it was me first. He was always concerned about me. I know that was his role as a parent but he was so much beyond that. Think of having a friend that was always there. Would do things just because they could feel you could use something to pick you up. Then imagine that person is who you look up to your whole life. That was my dad. He was always there as a friend and always loved me as a father. I always felt so close in his heart. Never a day would go where I would have any doubt that he loved me. It is heartbreaking that I don't have that. My role is to lift people around me up, I pick them up and then seeing them happy lifts me up. With my dad it was the other way. It was his role to lift me up and when I was happy he was lifted up. I am so lost. I used to remember walking in the bitter cold and feeling like my face was going to fall off, it was my dad that I kept in my mind to help me get through. I would think about talking to him when I got out of the cold and tell him how cold it was. I would think about calling him to make sure he didn't go out in the cold and was OK. I have no choice but to find someone else to put in my mind in these times but it is hard. I know lots of people love me so much and I love them but my dad was me. We were so similar that it was almost like talking to myself. That is what I lost. I was reading an article about when one twin passes away. The lost portion of their soul the living twin lives with. A lot of that resonated with me. My dad and I weren't just close, we were almost the same. So when I say I am alone it is because the other half of me is gone. Nothing fit that half exactly like my dad.
I sleep so little at night. I toss and turn. I think about my dad and cry. It is every night. I wish I had more family support and it wasn't just my mom and I. Every morning I have so much sadness and most mornings the fear sends my heart racing. I miss my dad and life in general is so scary for me without my dad. No one can understand how I feel because they don't know what he meant for me in my heart and my mind.
In my life now it is my mom, Brenda, Ronin, and Quinn. That is it. There are other people that come and go but everyone else has a life on their own. For us it is everyday.
I went dirt biking this past weekend and it was lots of fun but there were moments on the trail where I had tears streaming down my face because I was doing all this stuff and the one person I wanted to tell, I couldn't. The one person that was just waiting for me and only me was gone. I finished the day and just couldn't believe that I didn't have my dad to call and tell. We would have had a good laugh at the falls I took and how scared I was to climb some of the inclines that everyone else was falling on. But I couldn't. No one else cares as much as he did. I was always top of the list.
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