Since then life just doesn't seem as fulfilling. I don't have someone that I could always count on. When I walk alone, I really feel alone. I don't have someone just waiting for me. I don't have someone that fills a room with their very presence. I don't have my hero showing me the way everyday. It is such a lonely feeling.
I try to keep my mind elsewhere through the days but the truth is I want to be with my dad. I want to sit in a room watching Ronin and Quinn play with Brenda, my mom, and my dad. I want us all to laugh at the silly things the kids do, marvel at how far Quinn has come, and be amazed at all the things Ronin does so easily. That is where I want to be, but that is all a dream now. So far away. I remember when we were doing it. It was nice but the hard part was that is was just so natural that I didn't realize how great the moment was when I was in it. I had everyone I loved right there. Right next to me. Now the person I looked to is gone. The picture is incomplete.
It has been 3 months my dad hasn't been here but it has been a lifetime worth of sadness. I sometimes think if my dad can see me, if he misses me where ever he is. If he can, I know he is crying. He would be so sad to know how upset I am but I also know he would understand. He would understand how much I miss him and how much I love him. All through my life my dad was tough on me. Pushing me further than I thought I could go and being hard on me when I didn't do things right. The funny thing was that when I messed up, I mean really messed up, like police cars at the house messed up, he never yelled at me. I know he was disappointed but I also think he knew how hard I was taking it and didn't want to add to it. Maybe he was also in shock. Either way, I just remember that when I needed him the most and he had a great opportunity to let me have it, he never did. He was so caring, loving, and supportive.
Sometimes I wonder what my dad really knew of all the trouble I got in growing up. I know he knew the trouble I was getting in but let me find my way, the same way he did. There are so many people out there that think they know my dad. They think they got him down but they are so wrong. He is very different than most people know. The stern exterior was just a manner of how proper he was. Underneath he was caring, loving, and generous. He was so funny. He loved to laugh. He loved to do thing for people just to make himself feel good. He wasn't one in a million, he was one of a kind... period.
Many people have told me that they just don't know how to console me or to help me through this. They don't understand what it is like and don't know exactly house I am feeling. They say and do things but they just don't seem to help. I thought long and hard and decided to see how I would console... me. What would I do if I was in the position of these people. I have tried to explain it to them but I am not doing a good job.
First thing, I am not operating on a day to day basis. So calling or checking in every day or so doesn't really help. I am trying to survive from hour to hour. My mind is constantly racing with memories of my dad and all the times I won't be sharing with him. It literally happens multiple times an hour. It is very rare for me to go through an hour without crying. So what would I do for me? Call, email, text. Let me vent about how much it hurts and it sucks. Giving me the "bright" side doesn't work because you are not in a position to provide that kind of context. Also, my dad is gone, there is no bright side of anything. They tell me that at least I had time with him, really? Of course I had time with him and that is why I love him so much and we were so close. They tell me that at least you were close. Really? Of course we were close, that is why it has crushed my world that he is gone. I would not try and "fix" the situation, because it can't be fixed, unless you can bring my dad back.
Second thing, I would do everything I could to interact with.. me. I would plan dinner, lunch, breakfast, brunch. Anything to help. I would help out anyway I could so that I wouldn't feel that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Everyone is relying on me. My mom, Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, they are all looking to me to resolve the things my dad used to do. That is a lot of pressure considering how broken I feel. Also considering I don't have anyone to lean on. I don't have that person that I can look to know. So I would help me do everything. I would sit down and plan out all the things I need to do. Make a list and take a huge portion of them. I would do anything to make sure I don't feel lost.
Third thing, I would ask lots of questions about my dad. I would ask me to tell me about growing up and what I remember about my dad. I would encourage me to talk about my dad all the time. Let me brag about my dad, because there is so much to brag about. I would let me talk for hours about the great things he did and the great man he was. I would let me laugh and I would let me cry about him.
The fifth and final thing, I would encourage me to feel terrible. I would do everything I could to not try and stop it. It needs to run the cycle and the more people try and "save" me from it, the harder it is. Just let me cry, let me yell, let me break down. Only then can I start to put the pieces back together.
These are my thoughts on how to help me, but in fact there is nothing anyone can do to make me "feel" better or help me work through the thought process of losing my dad. It is something I have to deal with on my own. Every heart breaking second of the journey. When I look at pictures or remember happy times it is just so hard to understand that 5 months ago we were planning a road trip to look for wheels for the Lexus, now he is gone. It seems almost like in a blink of an eye. I love you so much dad and will miss you for the rest of my days.
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