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| June 16, 1975 |
Don't get me wrong, I feel these things, in fact I felt these things my whole life and had them in my heart when my dad passed. That being said, it is still so hard. I still see visions of my dad in the hospital. I still cry more times than I have fingers to count them. I wish he was here every second. The realization that I will never see him again, or hear him again, or feel his touch wakes me up every morning.
I still can't believe this is my life, and I don't have my dad with me. There was still so much I wanted to learn from him. So much I wanted to tell him. I have found lately that when people ask me how I am doing, it is much less painful for me to just say "Fine". That is really all they want to hear anyways. Do people want to hear how much it hurts? Do they want to know how much I cry? No.
I find it hard to think about my dad and not cry. I miss him that much. I think about all the things we did. I think about all the things he did for me. I think about how much he loves me. I think about all this and realize it is gone. He isn't here anymore. Every morning I think about opening our front door to see if he is around. I look out on our deck and picture my dad sitting there. Every day I come home and picture my dad on the driveway with his Cadillac and the trunk open.
Every morning I see the kids, they wake up happy and ready to face the day. Every day I think about another day my dad won't get a chance to be with them. It is heart breaking. I love my dad so much and it hurts so much.
Christmas season is starting and every time I see Christmas lights my heart sinks. My dad loved to put up Christmas lights. He stopped for a lot of years but when the kids came around he was back in full force. It will be etched in my mind forever how he used to put out the Reindeer for the kids on the deck. They used to stand at watch him work and he was so focused on getting it right for them. There are so many Christmas memories I have of my dad and I just can't bring myself to documenting them because it will send me emotionally out of control. Christmas was the time of the year I just loved being around my dad. He made such a point to bring our family and our extended family together. I can't believe I won't see my dad on Christmas morning come into our house with his light up Santa hat on. I can't believe that we won't all sit around my parents kitchen table and open the money box. Everything hurts. I feel bad because the kids deserve a great Christmas every year. It is going to be so hard to do that for them this year. How do you smile when your inside in so sad?
I look back on the last year of my dad's life and think about all the opportunities I had to be closer to him. I think about all the things I should have done. I then think about his time in the hospital and all the things I should have said. I am filled to the brim with regrets. So many regrets that eat me alive every day. I have no resolution for this pain because my dad isn't here. Sometimes I think of just holding on until I can see him again but the realization that he is gone sinks in and tears flow down my face. It is just unfair that I want to make my kids' lives amazing and I won't have the same for myself. How can I have the best life I dreamed of without my dad. The man I looked to for security and joy. I don't know.
Maybe I am just being selfish to say that my life is now not what I wanted but I shouldn't hinder other peoples lives from being great, like Brenda, Quinn, and Ronin. Maybe this life is now not for me anymore but only for Brenda, Quinn, and Ronin. I didn't include my mom in that list because I am sure she is in the same boat I am. I think about my parents and the lives they had when I was growing up. I only hope my dad got the kind of joy from me that I get from Quinn and Ronin. It just isn't fair he didn't get joy from his grand kids as long as he should have.
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