6 months & Christmas

A couple weeks ago we had the 6 month prayer for my dad.  I miss him so much.  We did a nice prayer for him and it was so hard to believe, as I was sitting there listening to the priest, that my dad is gone.  I was left to do all the important stuff for the prayer as the oldest son.  I can't believe that my dad wasn't here to sit next to me.  As I looked at my dad's picture there I can't believe that this nightmare is our lives.  I looked over to Quinn and can't believe that this is our lives.  Between Quinn and losing my dad it is just so hard to believe how tough things are.  My heart is so broken from both. I have hope for Quinn and believe in her totally.  I also had hope for my dad, that he would be able to get better and come home.  When he left us I lost so much faith and hope in the world.  The whole belief that things happen for a reason and that this is the "right" plan for us.  I don't believe it.  Don't get me started on god.

I had faith.  I believed in something that was greater than me.  I believed in something that was so beyond anything I could ever be and just hoped to someday emulate that thing.  I believed that this thing would never let me down and always watched over me.  I believed in my dad.  I  knew I was always safe.  I knew that I could push myself beyond what I thought and I had him in case anything ever happened.  That he would look out for me.  When he passed away my faith left.  I really can't say I believe anymore, and the worst part is that I really want to.  I so badly want to believe there is a god and that my dad is in a better place and always with me.  Truth is that my logical mind is now running the show and the spiritual part has shut it down.

I miss my dad so much every day.  Every day I still have tears and I am so upset beyond anything I have ever known.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  What are we all supposed to do without my dad?

We just had Christmas a few days ago, and needless to say it wasn't the same. The first one without my dad.  The kids had such fun and were so excited with all the presents and Santa coming but in my heart it broke every time I heard Ronin say something funny about Christmas because my dad wasn't here.  My dad loved Christmas.   I missed my morning call to him when he would answer the phone and say "Merry Christmas", instead of Hello.   I will miss it for the rest of my life.  I just can't bear to be around families celebrating together, it breaks my heart and reminds me so vividly that my dad isn't here.  It was the one time of the year he went all out and made a point ensuring everything was great.   He was always into Christmas but when the kids came he found this whole love of it again.  I cry every time I think about the fact that he won't get to share another Christmas with the kids.  Lots of people say "At least he got to spend 1 Christmas with them". He didn't get anywhere near the enjoyment out of them as he should have.  Quinn and Ronin are just getting to the age where they are just so happy and interactive. My dad would have been able to sit down and chat with Ronin for hours. Quinn has such a personality that my dad would have had no choice but to lay the law down with her even a little.  Unfortunately that is never going to happen.  My dad is gone.  Every day I have this moment of realization early in the morning that this is a day without my dad.  We had all these Christmas traditions and now they just don't seem the same without him.  We can try to keep them going but they were intended for a life with him here.  That life is gone.  I miss him so much.  For anyone that hasn't lost anyone close, I mean really close, they have no point of reference to understand the pain. It is far beyond anything you could ever imagine.  The finality of them being gone and the futility of not being able to do anything about it.  I had no idea it was like this.  Like the death of someone you loved this much could possibly destroy your world like this.  I knew it would be crushing but this is beyond recognition.

My Dad's spot at the Christmas dinner table

The visions of him in the hospital have filled my mind over the holiday season and it has ripped me apart.  My dad passes away in my mind several times a day.  It is like I am losing him over and over again every day.  It is torturing me that he is not here and there isn't a single thing I can do about it.  Can't call him.  Can't go see him.  Can't get a hug from him.  Special occasions from now on won't be quite as special and will always have a bit of heart break attached.  It is a sad fact but true.

New Years Eve is coming up and the end of this year, easily the worst year of my life.  I lost my best friend. I lost, what seems like, my whole life.  It was a unit that included Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, Kanch, my Mom, and my Dad.  That was shattered in 2011.  I don't know what 2012 holds but it is so hard to look forward when the past is the only place my dad lives now.

Late one night after hockey I was watching the movie "Funny People".  I was watching the movie just to wind down.  It is a movie about an aging comic (Adam Sandler) who is terminally ill and really rich.  He hires an assistant (Seth Rogan) to help him with stuff and he makes a play list for Adam.  One of the songs he plays is "Keep me in your heart".  Needless to say this song just brought me to tears.  The next day I went to download it and it was uploaded on July 12, 2011, the day before my dad passed away. The lyrics just break my heart:

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

It goes on to talk about keeping someone in your heart for a while.  Dad, you will be in my heart forever.