Deklin Austin Maharaj - August 31, 2012

We welcomed a new member to our family on August 31st at 6:54pm.  Deklin Austin Maharaj came into this world weighing 7lbs and 12 ounces.  It was a somewhat uneventful delivery mostly due to our calm cool and collected OB.  Deklin's cord was around his neck.  He was induced.  There was also meconium in the uterus. But our OB handled it all in stride.   So all these things were happening but he came out ok and is now part of our family.  He also was born in August.  The same month of my dad's birthday.
Through this really tough year he was a ray of light into our lives.  It was so hard to welcome into this world and want to show him off to everyone without my dad here.  I have 2 boys and no father.   It is a constant reminder he isn't here seeing my sons share "boy things" with me but not having someone to look up to and share the things I want to with.

Deks (this is now his official nickname..) has been a quite typical baby.  Really only cries when something is messed up, hungry, tired, dirty.  He sometimes will sit in his chair awake and quiet.  We think he does that because of all the craziness around he doesn't want to let on that he is awake.  He has already taken more of a beating in his first days of life than either of the kids combined!  He has been sat on, poked, kicked, punched, scratched, pushed, and twisted.  His brother and sister really are bullying him around!  That being said they show him love every moment they can.  Quinn helps with hugs and changing him and Ronin makes sure visitors don't make him cry.  The other day Ronin got so mad at his Aaji.  He yelled at her "Aaji, you made my brother cry!!"

We both think the Deks is a good mix of both the kids.  Which I guess is the way it should be.  We were down the the final hours deciding a name. In fact Deklin came to me (again) the day before he was born.  It was on the table shortly for Quinn but when I saw the spelling (DECLAN) I said he can't be named DE - CLAN.  Only after Quinn was born did Brenda make aware to me that it isn't pronounced that way and that we could have changed the spelling.  His middle name has a very special meaning.  He is named after my dad's favourite car in South Africa.  A car he was known for all around the area he lived in South Africa.  Everyone knew my dad's Austin Princess.  We couldn't named him Princess, so Austin it was.  We had to have something for my dad, because Deks won't know him the same way Quinn and Ronin will.  There will be no pictures of Deks and my dad hanging out.  There will be no spoiling of Deks by my dad.  He is the first kid in this house without Bedford as a middle name.

It has been a circus around here the last weeks.  Lucky I am off to help out because it would be a tough road all around if this house had to deal with me going to work as well!

Not sure what the weeks ahead hold but we will do our best and see what comes.

6 months & Christmas

A couple weeks ago we had the 6 month prayer for my dad.  I miss him so much.  We did a nice prayer for him and it was so hard to believe, as I was sitting there listening to the priest, that my dad is gone.  I was left to do all the important stuff for the prayer as the oldest son.  I can't believe that my dad wasn't here to sit next to me.  As I looked at my dad's picture there I can't believe that this nightmare is our lives.  I looked over to Quinn and can't believe that this is our lives.  Between Quinn and losing my dad it is just so hard to believe how tough things are.  My heart is so broken from both. I have hope for Quinn and believe in her totally.  I also had hope for my dad, that he would be able to get better and come home.  When he left us I lost so much faith and hope in the world.  The whole belief that things happen for a reason and that this is the "right" plan for us.  I don't believe it.  Don't get me started on god.

I had faith.  I believed in something that was greater than me.  I believed in something that was so beyond anything I could ever be and just hoped to someday emulate that thing.  I believed that this thing would never let me down and always watched over me.  I believed in my dad.  I  knew I was always safe.  I knew that I could push myself beyond what I thought and I had him in case anything ever happened.  That he would look out for me.  When he passed away my faith left.  I really can't say I believe anymore, and the worst part is that I really want to.  I so badly want to believe there is a god and that my dad is in a better place and always with me.  Truth is that my logical mind is now running the show and the spiritual part has shut it down.

I miss my dad so much every day.  Every day I still have tears and I am so upset beyond anything I have ever known.  I don't know what I am supposed to do.  What are we all supposed to do without my dad?

We just had Christmas a few days ago, and needless to say it wasn't the same. The first one without my dad.  The kids had such fun and were so excited with all the presents and Santa coming but in my heart it broke every time I heard Ronin say something funny about Christmas because my dad wasn't here.  My dad loved Christmas.   I missed my morning call to him when he would answer the phone and say "Merry Christmas", instead of Hello.   I will miss it for the rest of my life.  I just can't bear to be around families celebrating together, it breaks my heart and reminds me so vividly that my dad isn't here.  It was the one time of the year he went all out and made a point ensuring everything was great.   He was always into Christmas but when the kids came he found this whole love of it again.  I cry every time I think about the fact that he won't get to share another Christmas with the kids.  Lots of people say "At least he got to spend 1 Christmas with them". He didn't get anywhere near the enjoyment out of them as he should have.  Quinn and Ronin are just getting to the age where they are just so happy and interactive. My dad would have been able to sit down and chat with Ronin for hours. Quinn has such a personality that my dad would have had no choice but to lay the law down with her even a little.  Unfortunately that is never going to happen.  My dad is gone.  Every day I have this moment of realization early in the morning that this is a day without my dad.  We had all these Christmas traditions and now they just don't seem the same without him.  We can try to keep them going but they were intended for a life with him here.  That life is gone.  I miss him so much.  For anyone that hasn't lost anyone close, I mean really close, they have no point of reference to understand the pain. It is far beyond anything you could ever imagine.  The finality of them being gone and the futility of not being able to do anything about it.  I had no idea it was like this.  Like the death of someone you loved this much could possibly destroy your world like this.  I knew it would be crushing but this is beyond recognition.

My Dad's spot at the Christmas dinner table

The visions of him in the hospital have filled my mind over the holiday season and it has ripped me apart.  My dad passes away in my mind several times a day.  It is like I am losing him over and over again every day.  It is torturing me that he is not here and there isn't a single thing I can do about it.  Can't call him.  Can't go see him.  Can't get a hug from him.  Special occasions from now on won't be quite as special and will always have a bit of heart break attached.  It is a sad fact but true.

New Years Eve is coming up and the end of this year, easily the worst year of my life.  I lost my best friend. I lost, what seems like, my whole life.  It was a unit that included Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, Kanch, my Mom, and my Dad.  That was shattered in 2011.  I don't know what 2012 holds but it is so hard to look forward when the past is the only place my dad lives now.

Late one night after hockey I was watching the movie "Funny People".  I was watching the movie just to wind down.  It is a movie about an aging comic (Adam Sandler) who is terminally ill and really rich.  He hires an assistant (Seth Rogan) to help him with stuff and he makes a play list for Adam.  One of the songs he plays is "Keep me in your heart".  Needless to say this song just brought me to tears.  The next day I went to download it and it was uploaded on July 12, 2011, the day before my dad passed away. The lyrics just break my heart:

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

It goes on to talk about keeping someone in your heart for a while.  Dad, you will be in my heart forever.  

4 months and the festive season

June 16, 1975

This past weekend it was 4 months since my dad left.  I wish I could tell this story about how I have come so far and appreciate the good times.  I wish I could say that I have so much joy in my heart from knowing my dad.  I wish I could say things like this, things like what people want me to focus on, but I can't.

Don't get me wrong, I feel these things, in fact I felt these things my whole life and had them in my heart when my dad passed.  That being said, it is still so hard.  I still see visions of my dad in the hospital.  I still cry more times than I have fingers to count them.  I wish he was here every second.  The realization that I will never see him again, or hear him again, or feel his touch wakes me up every morning.

I still can't believe this is my life, and I don't have my dad with me.  There was still so much I wanted to learn from him.  So much I wanted to tell him.  I have found lately that when people ask me how I am doing, it is much less painful for me to just say "Fine".  That is really all they want to hear anyways.  Do people want to hear how much it hurts?  Do they want to know how much I cry?  No.

I find it hard to think about my dad and not cry.  I miss him that much.  I think about all the things we did.  I think about all the things he did for me. I think about how much he loves me.  I think about all this and realize it is gone.  He isn't here anymore.  Every morning I think about opening our front door to see if he is around.  I look out on our deck and picture my dad sitting there.  Every day I come home and picture my dad on the driveway with his Cadillac and the trunk open.

Every morning I see the kids, they wake up happy and ready to face the day.  Every day I think about another day my dad won't get a chance to be with them.  It is heart breaking.  I love my dad so much and it hurts so much. 

Christmas season is starting and every time I see Christmas lights my heart sinks. My dad loved to put up Christmas lights.  He stopped for a lot of years but when the kids came around he was back in full force.  It will be etched in my mind forever how he used to put out the Reindeer for the kids on the deck.  They used to stand at watch him work and he was so focused on getting it right for them.  There are so many Christmas memories I have of my dad and I just can't bring myself to documenting them because it will send me emotionally out of control.  Christmas was the time of the year I just loved being around my dad. He made such a point to bring our family and our extended family together.  I can't believe I won't see my dad on Christmas morning come into our house with his light up Santa hat on.  I can't believe that we won't all sit around my parents kitchen table and open the money box.  Everything hurts. I feel bad because the kids deserve a great Christmas every year.  It is going to be so hard to do that for them this year.   How do you smile when your inside in so sad?

I look back on the last year of my dad's life and think about all the opportunities I had to be closer to him.  I think about all the things I should have done.  I then think about his time in the hospital and all the things I should have said.  I am filled to the brim with regrets.  So many regrets that eat me alive every day.  I have no resolution for this pain because my dad isn't here.  Sometimes I think of just holding on until I can see him again but the realization that he is gone sinks in and tears flow down my face.  It is just unfair that I want to make my kids' lives amazing and I won't have the same for myself.  How can I have the best life I dreamed of without my dad.  The man I looked to for security and joy.  I don't know. 

Maybe I am just being selfish to say that my life is now not what I wanted but I shouldn't hinder other peoples lives from being great, like Brenda, Quinn, and Ronin.  Maybe this life is now not for me anymore but only for Brenda, Quinn, and Ronin.  I didn't include my mom in that list because I am sure she is in the same boat I am.   I think about my parents and the lives they had when I was growing up.  I only hope my dad got the kind of joy from me that I get from Quinn and Ronin.  It just isn't fair he didn't get joy from his grand kids as long as he should have.

Halloween 2011

The kids have been getting ready for Halloween this past week by putting up decorations and talking about candy!!
We put up the same bat we had last year.  How things change in a year.  This is a battery powered bat that flies around the roof.  Last year both kids took off when it was on.  This year it is non-negotiable for us to turn it off.  It burned through a set of batteries in less than a day!!!
We carved a pumpkin.  In fact we took the pumpkin to Aaji's and it was the first time she ever helped carve a pumpkin.  It was so much fun for the kids, they both actually reached in and ripped out the guts of the pumpkin.   We were all, including Aaji, sitting on the kitchen floor carving it out.  Ronin was helping cut the pumpkin, telling me to make sure it has a really scary face.  It was so great, but so heart breaking.   It was a moment that the kids enjoyed that I didn't have my dad to share it with.  Ronin is getting so big and such a personality.  He would have entertained my dad for hours.   Quinn also has become quite the jokester.  She would have had so many giggles with my dad.  All these moments instigate this pit I always carry in my stomach.

I picked up Ronin from daycare and he was excited right away.  They gave him loot bags to take home.  On the car ride home I let him have a "warm up" treat.  He had 3 chocolates.  I then told him not to tell his mom and his answer was "Maybe I will".  Little bugger. 
When they were both home from school they were excited to get the show on the road.  We were worried Ronin will not go in his costume and stick with the Turtle costume he wore last year.  A few comments on how cool this years costume was, got him right in.  They ate dinner, got dressed and were ready to go.  Quinn loved looking at her Unicorn costume in the mirror and then she would go over to pictures of my dad and point to him.  She would bring me over to the picture of my dad and point.  It was like she was showing my dad her costume and asking me to get him.  It broke my heart to pieces.  Even as we were heading out the door she looked back at my dad's picture and waved.  He would have been so proud of his little princess.  I wish he could see her.  I wish she could run to him and have that feeling of being safe.

As we got into the street our little spaceman led the way.  Quinn wasn't far behind and really like the whole idea of holding her bag.  That being said, she would decide she didn't like it as much and silently leave her bag in the middle of the sidewalk and keep going!  We would have to back track to pick it up.  There were so many houses that Ronin loved to go up and see.  After he would get his candy he would call Quinn and usually she would follow.  Quinn would then make a break for going inside people's house.  She loved all the decorations and has started this game of leaning on people's cars.  I am not sure where she learned that from but it is like she is hiding from a sniper.  It is quite funny!  She lost interest pretty quick and was happy to go home to see Aaji hand out candy.  Brenda and Ronin continued their trek onwards for more goodies!  Ronin was so good at keeping his space helmet on and was so polite.  He would always say "Trick or Treat" and then finish with a "Thank You".  People were so impressed.  He is such a special little boy.

When Brenda returned with Ronin we got a family picture and then the kids went through their loot. I took Aaji home so her house would not get egged!  She handed out more candy there.  While I was gone Brenda supervised Ronin and Quinn handing out the candy to the kids that came to the door.  They really had fun and Ronin provided the kids with a running commentary of what he was doing.  There was one time that Quinn got a little carried away and wanted to give some kids my boots!!! Such a giving little girl!  They genuinely loved it.  I asked Ronin what he had more fun doing getting candy or handing it out and he said he loved handing it out. 

When they went to bed there were a few straggler Trick or Treaters and every time the door bell rang Ronin would yell down from his bed "Make sure you don't give them all the candy!" Funny little boy.
While I was at my parents house I went to my dad's bedside to tell him about how great the kids were and how they miss you so much.  It is these special occasions that remind me that my dad is gone and never coming back.  I cried so hard for my dad the whole drive home.  I miss him so much.  I can almost feel his cheek on my lips for a kiss.  I can almost feel his hand on mine.  It feels so close but also so heartbreakingly far away.  I remember my parents doing so much for us for Halloween, whatever we wanted to go as, they would make it happen. The picture below has a custom Dracula cape from my mom and my dad was so proud.  He told everyone about this year because we all did so much to make the costume perfect.  I remember my dad and I searching for the "perfect" black pants.

All these great times just remind me my best friend for 38 years is gone.  These occasions break me down to disbelief my dad isn't here anymore.  It takes me back to the moments he left us. It hurts so much.  I was thinking the other day that my dad's initials, GM, are the 7th and 13th letters in the alphabet.  He passed away on the 13th day of the 7th month (July 13th).  I would love to know there is some greater plan that it was supposed to happen this way but I just want my dad back in spite of what anyone says about the way the universe is supposed to be.  I miss him so much. 

Someone sent me a quote a while back just after my dad passed and it feels so real to me:

Remembering you is easy I do it everyday,

Its the heartache of losing you that will never go away.

I miss you so much dad.  I miss you to the ends of this earth.  Always my hero.  Till we meet again.

More Halloween pictures are posted on the website:  

Brelan.ca - 2011 Halloween Pictures

Things I miss about my Dad

A while ago someone suggested I make a list of the things I loved the most about my dad and what I would miss the most.  The things that break my heart the most.  I thought about it and listed out a few in my mind but thought I would document it.  These are the things I think about when I am so upset and can't deal with the pain of losing my dad:

1. My dad's hugs.  We always hugged every time we saw each other and it was a full happy to see you hug.  I loved to feel his face next to mine when we hug.  I long to run to my parents house barge in the door and get a hug again.  I miss it so much.
2. My dad's laughter.  His laughter was so infectious.  He just lit up a room when he laughed.  More important than that was that he lit up my heart.  I can almost hear it everyday and miss him so much.  It was just so free and fulfilling to hear my dad laugh.  Like the whole world was laughing with him.
3. His smile.  Even in the hospital my dad was able to give a few smiles out.  In his condition he still warmed my heart with his smile.  I remember as a young kid at hockey looking up in the stands and I could see my dad's smile a mile away.  It was so comforting.  I loved seeing my dad smile.  I loved it even more when I did something to make him smile.  That gave me such satisfaction in life. 
4. My dad's scent.  I didn't really realize it when my dad was around but he had this very distinct scent that I knew it was him.  I can close my eyes and think of it.  I can't describe it but I know it.  I walk around my parents house and just catch a glimpse of it.  There are a few things that carry it and I hug them with all my heart.  They say that sometimes you can smell it when their spirit is near.  I hope I can so that I know my dad is close to me.
5. My dad's glasses.  He has gone through a few pair over the years and has changed styles with the times but I miss seeing them sitting around and him wearing them. I remember when he first went into the hospital that we kept asking him if we should bring his glasses back to the hospital to help him see stuff.   We never brought them back.  They were brand new RayBan glasses so nice and stylish.  I hold them sometimes and just cry.  I miss seeing them on his face.  I miss the kids trying to get them.
6. The buzz of my dad's hearing aid. When the batteries were going there would be a buzzing or a beep from his hearing aid.  I remember on a few occasions I would be looking all over the house for what was beeping.  Then finally my mom would come in and tell me it was my dad's hearing aid, he would be just sitting there smiling.  I miss that sound.  It meant he was close by.  It was comforting to hear it and we would all have a laugh about it.  Then he would turn it off so it wouldn't buzz and he could ignore us all.
7. Talking about the Leafs.  We could talk forever about why they were going to be good and how come they were so terrible.  He knew all my favorite players and I knew who he liked.  We would talk late at night after a big game and chat about the leafs.  A couple times we watched the game late at night together on the phone.  When I was little he would let me stay up and watch the games with him and I would re-enact the plays in our living room, Show him the great save or show him how I would celebrate that goal.  He would sit, smile, laugh and take it all in. 
8. Sitting with my dad.  I miss just being around him.  Sitting in the family room next to him.  Or sitting in a car for a ride.  I loved driving my dad around in his Cadillac.  It was one of the best memories I have.  He would sit and relax and talk to me.  He would ask me stuff and we would chat.  I could sit next to him for a lifetime and talk about everything.  Sometimes when I am driving around I put my hand on the passenger seat and think about my dad sitting there.  Think about him looking out the window or asking me about my life.  I try and imagine him just being silent and with me even now as I drive alone.
9. Being there.  I miss my dad just being there for me.  I never ever felt like I was a burden on him.  He was always so happy to do anything for me.  I don't know anyone that took as much joy as he did in doing things for other people.  He would do things with no questions asked.  He would be there in a flash.  Time and distance was never an issue.  I miss the security of knowing that I always had someone to turn to and lean on.  Someone that would catch me if I ever fell.  I hope that in the last years my dad felt that I was that to him as well.  I was there for him in a second and do anything.  I know he still felt like he was a burden to me for things but he was a joy.  I worked so hard to see him happy.  There were so many times I had to call him late at night when my car broke down.  I never felt bad about calling him and I he never made me feel bad for coming to help.  He was such an amazing dad.
10. My dad's voice. To hear his voice on the other end of the phone was so comforting.  I loved it.  I long for it.  Sometimes when I lose myself and forget for that split moment he is gone I think he is going to call and I am going to get to hear his voice again.  Throughout the day I look at the phone and hope he calls.  I know he won't be calling but I dream about the days he would call me.  Even when my mom calls, there is that split second I pick up the phone and expect him to be there.  Sometimes in the car I would listen to him talk and it was nice.   He used to tell all these stories that I have heard about a million times, he would sit in his chair and talk.  Even when I wasn't listening to the stories I was listening to his voice.  Sometimes I would go do other things but I would still be listening.  There is no where to go now to hear it.  To hear my dad say "Hey Mills".  I miss him so much.

These are the things I miss about my dad.  They are the specifics but there is the bigger thing of just seeing him.  Just watching him walk in the door at our house.  Just walking into his house to see him sitting at the kitchen table.  I just can't believe this life is going on and I don't have my dad.  As time passed my dad and I were a team to get the big stuff done.  I loved helping him.  Now I don't have that person to lean on.  It seems people are more expecting stuff from me than supporting me.  I guess that is how my dad felt.  I look at pictures and miss him so much.  I wish I had more moments with him. I try and feel his embrace or his hand on my shoulder, the feel of his shirt when we hugged, but the moments are so fleeting.  There is nothing but a void.  It isn't something you get over, it is something that is with you for the rest of my life.  I will always miss my dad, every second of this life I will wish  my dad was here.  I miss him beyond this life and whatever comes hereafter.  

It breaks me apart to know that Quinn and Ronin will not get a chance to truly have this great man fill their hearts like he filled mine.  They will never truly know how much love their Aaja had in his heart just for them.  A place he kept safe his whole life just for the 2 perfect little pieces to fill in.  He never got to enjoy it as long as he should have.

I love you dad, you will always be in my heart and in my soul.  My heart will always long for you.  You are, and will always be, the greatest man I have ever known, and my hero.

3 Months Today and How to Support Me

It has been 3 months (today) that my dad passed.  I can't believe this life. When did the life I had all planned out change to this one?  When did I start to feel like I can't turn to anyone?  It was at 12:13 am on July 13, 2011.  The time my dad passed.
Since then life just doesn't seem as fulfilling.  I don't have someone that I could always count on.  When I walk alone, I really feel alone.  I don't have someone just waiting for me.   I don't have someone that fills a room with their very presence.  I don't have my hero showing me the way everyday.  It is such a lonely feeling. 

I try to keep my mind elsewhere through the days but the truth is I want to be with my dad.  I want to sit in a room watching Ronin and Quinn play with Brenda, my mom, and my dad. I want us all to laugh at the silly things the kids do, marvel at how far Quinn has come, and be amazed at all the things Ronin does so easily.  That is where I want to be, but that is all a dream now.  So far away.  I remember when we were doing it.  It was nice but the hard part was that is was just so natural that I didn't realize how great the moment was when I was in it.  I had everyone I loved right there.  Right next to me.  Now the person I looked to is gone.  The picture is incomplete. 

It has been 3 months my dad hasn't been here but it has been a lifetime worth of sadness.  I sometimes think if my dad can see me, if he misses me where ever he is.  If he can, I know he is crying.  He would be so sad to know how upset I am but I also know he would understand.  He would understand how much I miss him and how much I love him.  All through my life my dad was tough on me.  Pushing me further than I thought I could go and being hard on me when I didn't do things right.  The funny thing was that when I messed up, I mean really messed up, like police cars at the house messed up, he never yelled at me.  I know he was disappointed but I also think he knew how hard I was taking it and didn't want to add to it.  Maybe he was also in shock.   Either way, I just remember that when I needed him the most and he had a great opportunity to let me have it, he never did.  He was so caring, loving, and supportive. 
Sometimes I wonder what my dad really knew of all the trouble I got in growing up.  I know he knew the trouble I was getting in but let me find my way, the same way he did.  There are so many people out there that think they know my dad.  They think they got him down but they are so wrong.  He is very different than most people know.  The stern exterior was just a manner of how proper he was.  Underneath he was caring, loving, and generous.  He was so funny.  He loved to laugh.  He loved to do thing for people just to make himself feel good.  He wasn't one in a million, he was one of a kind... period.

Many people have told me that they just don't know how to console me or to help me through this.  They don't understand what it is like and don't know exactly house I am feeling.  They say and do things but they just don't seem to help.  I thought long and hard and decided to see how I would console... me.   What would I do if I was in the position of these people.  I have tried to explain it to them but I am not doing a good job.

First thing, I am not operating on a day to day basis.  So calling or checking in every day or so doesn't really help.  I am trying to survive from hour to hour.  My mind is constantly racing with memories of my dad and all the times I won't be sharing with him.  It literally happens multiple times an hour.  It is very rare for me to go through an hour without crying. So what would I do for me?  Call, email, text.  Let me vent about how much it hurts and it sucks.  Giving me the "bright" side doesn't work because you are not in a position to provide that kind of context.  Also, my dad is gone, there is no bright side of anything.  They tell me that at least I had time with him, really?  Of course I had time with him and that is why I love him so much and we were so close.  They tell me that at least you were close.  Really?  Of course we were close, that is why it has crushed my world that he is gone.  I would not try and "fix" the situation, because it can't be fixed, unless you can bring my dad back.

Second thing, I would do everything I could to interact with.. me.  I would plan dinner, lunch, breakfast, brunch.  Anything to help.  I would help out anyway I could so that I wouldn't feel that I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Everyone is relying on me.  My mom, Quinn, Ronin, Brenda, they are all looking to me to resolve the things my dad used to do.  That is a lot of pressure considering how broken I feel.  Also considering I don't have anyone to lean on.  I don't have that person that I can look to know. So I would help me do everything.  I would sit down and plan out all the things I need to do.  Make a list and take a huge portion of them.  I would do anything to make sure I don't feel lost.

Third thing, I would ask lots of questions about my dad.  I would ask me to tell me about growing up and what I remember about my dad. I would encourage me to talk about my dad all the time.  Let me brag about my dad, because there is so much to brag about.  I would let me talk for hours about the great things he did and the great man he was.  I would let me laugh and I would let me cry about him. 

Fourth thing, I would spend time with my mom.  A lot of heartache comes from knowing how much my mom misses my dad.  I feel so much better when I hear my mom is going out for lunch or dinner or people are coming over.  I know she is occupied and gets a chance to take a tiny break from missing him, even for a few seconds.  I would go spend time with my mom.

The fifth and final thing, I would encourage me to feel terrible. I would do everything I could to not try and stop it.  It needs to run the cycle and the more people try and "save" me from it, the harder it is.  Just let me cry, let me yell, let me break down.  Only then can I start to put the pieces back together.

These are my thoughts on how to help me, but in fact there is nothing anyone can do to make me "feel" better or help me work through the thought process of losing my dad.  It is something I have to deal with on my own.  Every heart breaking second of the journey.  When I look at pictures or remember happy times it is just so hard to understand that 5 months ago we were planning a road trip to look for wheels for the Lexus, now he is gone.  It seems almost like in a blink of an eye.  I love you so much dad and will miss you for the rest of my days.

Fear and Putting me first

I have been having a hard time trying to figure life out.  Some really tough things have happened lately and I just miss having my dad around.  He was that person I could talk to.  He would just put me back in balance and give me that stable footing to go forward.  I don't have that anymore and feel like I am spinning out of control.  I can't turn around without heart ache.

My dad was that person I always looked up to.  He was the example I set my life against.  He was and always will be that father figure I could turn to.  I don't have that anymore.  I don't have that one person I can turn to and believe everything they say 100%.  I don't have the one person that I look up to that I trust with my life.  He was it.  What do I do now?  I am so scared of not having a person like him to count on.  I am so scared that I am alone.  I am so scared to live a life without my dad.  I am so scared to live my life with heart break every day.  I am scared my dad isn't OK where ever he is.  I feel I lost so much when my dad passed.  I have Brenda and the kids. I have my mom.  I don't have that male figure to guide me.  I feel lost. 90% of my life I don't need anyone but there is that 10% that I need that person to lean on.  My dad would be there for me without me asking.  We could work through that 10% together.  Who do I have now? I am so scared of this life.  How do I rest my head at night, how do I wake up in the morning, how do I deal with tough times?  How do I do all this without having my dad to turn to. Even the 90% I dealt with in life, he still gave the the confidence to do things.  It is all gone.  I lost his support for the 10% and the confidence to deal with the 90%.

People just don't understand the emotional stress and pain you go through trying to get the best possible life for Quinn.  They can't understand.  It is with you always.  I had my dad behind me to look up to.  Someone I could look to as an example of composure.  Someone I could let it all out to and he would still love me.  That is why lots of times we got angry at each other because I could be comfortable and let all the stuff inside out with him.  I don't have that with anyone else.  Everyone else I feel it is their feelings first and mine second.  With my dad it was me first.  He was always concerned about me.  I know that was his role as a parent but he was so much beyond that.  Think of having a friend that was always there.   Would do things just because they could feel you could use something to pick you up.  Then imagine that person is who you look up to your whole life.  That was my dad.  He was always there as a friend and always loved me as a father.  I always felt so close in his heart.  Never a day would go where I would have any doubt that he loved me.  It is heartbreaking that I don't have that.  My role is to lift people around me up, I pick them up and then seeing them happy lifts me up. With my dad it was the other way.  It was his role to lift me up and when I was happy he was lifted up. I am so lost.  I used to remember walking in the bitter cold and feeling like my face was going to fall off, it was my dad that I kept in my mind to help me get through.   I would think about talking to him when I got out of the cold and tell him how cold it was.  I would think about calling him to make sure he didn't go out in the cold and was OK.  I have no choice but to find someone else to put in my mind in these times but it is hard.  I know lots of people love me so much and I love them but my dad was me.  We were so similar that it was almost like talking to myself.  That is what I lost.  I was reading an article about when one twin passes away.  The lost portion of their soul the living twin lives with.  A lot of that resonated with me.  My dad and I weren't just close, we were almost the same.  So when I say I am alone it is because the other half of me is gone.  Nothing fit that half exactly like my dad.
I sleep so little at night.  I toss and turn. I think about my dad and cry.  It is every night.  I wish I had more family support and it wasn't just my mom and I.  Every morning I have so much sadness and most mornings the fear sends my heart racing.  I miss my dad and life in general is so scary for me without my dad.  No one can understand how I feel because they don't know what he meant for me in my heart and my mind.
In my life now it is my mom, Brenda, Ronin, and Quinn. That is it.  There are other people that come and go but everyone else has a life on their own.  For us it is everyday.

I went dirt biking this past weekend and it was lots of fun but there were moments on the trail where I had tears streaming down my face because I was doing all this stuff and the one person I wanted to tell, I couldn't.  The one person that was just waiting for me and only me was gone.  I finished the day and just couldn't believe that I didn't have my dad to call and tell.  We would have had a good laugh at the falls I took and how scared I was to climb some of the inclines that everyone else was falling on. But I couldn't.  No one else cares as much as he did.  I was always top of the list.

Never Enough

I have been thinking a lot of the life I had with my dad.  Talking with people of their perception of the relationship I had with my dad.   I remember all the time I spent with my dad.  How he always looked out for me.  I think about the times I would not hang out with my friends to go with my dad where ever he needed to go, if it was his office, to help my aunts/uncles, or even to just go to the store.  If he asked, I would go.  I loved being around my dad.

As I look back on these times I think it wasn't enough.  I especially think that when I got older I moved away from that.  I had my own life and didn't take enough time to do special things with him.  In fact it isn't the special things, it is the every day things.  Just going to the store with him. I would ask him a few times to go with him and he would tell me that I don't need to worry about it.  But I wanted to be with him.  I could sit in a car and chat with my dad forever.  We never got bored of sitting with each other.  I miss those times.  Brenda said that the relationship I had with my dad was easy.  It was so relaxed and comfortable.  That is so accurate.  It was like home sitting with him.  Now I don't have that place I can go and feel totally at home.
I think about the hugs we shared, I think about the kisses I gave him, the compliments and thanks I extended to him. It was all not enough.  There was always room to do more.  I don't think you could ever come to a place where doing nice things for the people you love is enough.  I could never see his happy face enough.
This week I realized that my dad never saw me play or practice football.  In the back of my mind I knew it but when he was around I never asked him why.  He saw almost every one of my hockey games and practices but not football. I wish he had. I loved playing sports and looking up to see him in the stands. It is one of my great memories of my dad growing up.  Seeing him cheer me on.  I used to get grief from my coaches when I was younger for looking in the stands at my dad instead of at them.  I used to tell my dad that I was more interested in what he was telling me then the coaches.

My dad made a comment at my wedding in his speech that I always wanted him in my life.  I am glad even back then he knew it. I always wanted to have him around.  In fact in recent years I got mad at my parents for not being around more.  I guess looking back I should savored the time I did have with them.
I have a hard time remembering the times I told my dad I loved him or the times we hugged.  I am sure it wasn't enough.  Brenda said we did that all the time, maybe because it happened all the time that is why I can't remember specific instances.  I definitely didn't sit and chat with him about important things enough.  Talk to him about what made him truly happy and what made him sad.  People said he was of the generation that you don't talk about that stuff.  Parents don't share that kinds of stuff with their children. I know my dad would have talked with me.
Days are so tough without my dad.  I am not sure if I am more upset about my dad missing me or upset about me missing my dad.  Am I sorry he can't be here or am I sorry I have to go on alone. Maybe there is no distinction and they are one and the same.  If I am worried that my dad is in a better place then, I am guessing, I think I am going to be fine.  If I am worried about what I do without him, then that is going to be a longer road.  I honestly don't know what it is.  When I think about special occasions I think about my dad not being there and how he would love it.  I also think about how much I miss him and how much it hurts.  The thoughts go together.

My mom shared with me that the weekend before my dad went into the hospital they took the kids to the park while we painted at our house.  On the way back both kids were too tired so my dad carried Ronin part of the way....  My mom said it was tough but he would take breaks.  It must have been so heart warming to have this little boy just wand to be in your arms so bad.  I know my dad must have loved it.  My parents and I have never been to the park together with the kids.  We should have gone.
There is so much I wanted to do with my dad.  People tell me to focus on the stuff we did do.  I try to but I am greedy I still want more.  I so badly want more time with my dad to do the stuff we enjoyed.  People tell me at least he got to meet his grand children. That isn't enough.  I wanted to him to see them grow up.  I wanted him to see Ronin's first hockey game and buy him his first hockey stick.  I wanted him to see Quinn play soccer in a league.  My dad loved sports and obviously that is where I get it from. I never played enough sports with him later in life.  I was always in a rush to something that really didn't matter.

My life is forever changed and I will do more of the things I want to with the people I care about.  Maybe that is why my dad did everything for everyone, because he didn't have a dad to lean on growing up so he wanted to be to everyone else what he never had.  He was the greatest man I have ever known. I love him so much.