Cycle of Life

I had some time to spend with a friend, Jay. We went for lunch, saw a bunch of Ferrari's, and then the driving range. There was a charity event at the golf course put on by Ferrari and there were Ferrari's as far as the eye could see. It was amazing! I wish both our dads were there to see it. It was nice to be with someone that also lost a parent. Jay actually tragically has lost both parents. I was so happy that he had the time to come down and hang out with me. It was a beautiful day with nice cars and some golf. OK it was the driving range but that is close for me. It was a great mix of having a good time as well as missing my dad.

We chatted about a lot of stuff. I told him how I just can't believe my dad is gone. How I want him back. We chatted how he feels so close, right there, but you can't get to him. It was nice to talk to someone that actually understood the pain. We talked about how my dad was here still and watching over me, I just couldn't talk to him. As I sit here thinking about it I miss my dad so much and think how terrible it is that such a great man that helped so many people had to leave. It is heartbreaking. I also know that even if my dad wasn't a great guy or a great father, it wouldn't be any easier as I loved him beyond words. Jay told me about how he lives his days, what is really hard and how life is for him. It was good to hear about all the things I was worried about. He told me when the pain comes, when it is really tough and how time is the only thing that will help. Jay is also part of my extended family and I am so glad he will be around for those tough times like holidays, especially Christmas. It is comforting to have someone out there that understands. I told him I still can't believe I will be able to go on without all this pain. His advice, which was great, is that you have no choice. He is so right, I have 2 great kids, a wife, a mom, and a sister who still need me and there is nothing I can do to bring my dad back. I still want him back and I still wish he was here. I will continue to reach out to Jay because I feel understood when I talk to him. I feel we share so many critical feelings and it helps to talk.

The biggest thing that came out of the discussion was that how ignorant I was to the cycle of life. I really didn't understand what death really meant. I knew people died and I knew it was tragic but I didn't know that we all will be living one day with a pain beyond our understanding when someone we love more than anything has to leave. That is life. It isn't a tragic set of circumstances than only a few have to go through. It is something everyone will experience. I see older people now and understand they probably have a spot in their heart where there is a pain they never thought they would have to bare. I can't believe how blind I was to the fact that this is how things work. Jay said not to be so hard because unless you go through it you really have no idea what it is like. It makes you totally reassess how you look at the world. I have heard that we are all wired to lose our parents, it is the cycle of life and it doesn't prepare you for it but it isn't a totally unfathomable event. This is what happens. You are born, you grown up, your parents pass, you pass, and then things just keep going on. I was looking at the cycle of life and this blog. It was created when my little Quinn was born. Now it is a critical vehicle to discuss the loss of my dear father. It is both ends of the life cycle. When I think about my dad I just think about this amazing man, he lifted me up, he loved me more than anything, and he brought so much joy to me. I feel lost without these parts of my life.

Thank you to my friend, Jay, for coming to talk. I hope we can do it again soon as it was a lot of therapy for me and he said it helped him too. He gave me some great advice to try not to dwell too long when the moments of wanting my dad back come in the day. I am trying to apply this advice but it is hard. I think about my dad and feel spinning out of emotional control. I wish I had more time with my dad and used the time I had better. It is hard not wanting the other life back and coping with this new life. Every morning Ronin tells me that Aaja is with the angels and he isn't coming back. I know he is repeating something I told him when he asked for Aaja to come back for Christmas. Either way, it is a harsh reality every morning that my dad is not here. It breaks my heart. I am desperately trying to find the moments in this life that I can take and enjoy but it is hard not to experience them in the context of losing my dad right now.

Death, Family, and South Africa

I have been having a hard time remembering my dad without longing and missing him. It isn't a kind and gentle longing for him. It is a gut wrenching, knee buckling heart break that comes when I see pictures, imagine him hugging me, smell him. That is the hard part of the process. Someone told me that you don't "get over" losing a parent, especially one that you loved so much. You learn to cope with life without them. When I first heard that I felt so discouraged. It was something I knew and told people. I always said I could never not miss my dad. He was the single most important person that shaped the person I am today. He was beyond a best friend and beyond a father. How could I "get over" him? When I heard that you learn to cope I started to think that is exactly what I am struggling with. Coping. People say that you will learn to live and cope, even if you don't want to because you have no choice. I am definitely taking the "kicking and screaming" route of grief. I really don't want to learn to live without my dad. I want him back, I miss him, I love him, I need him. I cry all the time because I am struggling to come to terms with the loss of him.

Since my dad has passed I feel that death is all around me. Close people have lost loved ones. Very tragically. It seems that every where I turn there is death. I was first thinking that it was coincidental, then I started thinking that it was always around me. I was just not understanding the magnitude and impact of it. People were dying. I kept living because I was ignorant to how it impacts the people that care about that person that had to leave. I never really talked about death with my dad because I was clueless. I knew life was cruel and life was tragic but I never thought about the finality of death. When you are ignorant to it you say "Life is harsh" "There are no reasons why things happen in Life". When you are aware you say things like "Death is horrible" "There are no reasons why people die". It is a different view. Previously I was looking at life going forward and now I am forced to see it from the end looking back. From a death point of view. It makes me feel so out of control. So lost and not able to understand the world. I understand it is a part of life but is it all we have? When I look back on my dad's life is that all there is or has his life taken a new form? Is he somewhere near me? Is there proof my dad is around me? Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Is he happy and at peace? Does he long to hold Quinn and Ronin? I don't know. I really don't know. There is no comfort for me. I think I could maybe move forward if I knew my dad was somewhere else but at peace and happy. I just don't know how that is possible that he could be somewhere without me and happy. He loved me. He really loved me so much. I saw it in his eyes and he would never not want to be with me. There is no easing that loss. What is death? Is it an end or a beginning? I don't know. Is there a way to know for sure? Everyone tells me that you have to go through this life and you won't know for sure so you have the choice to either believe or not believe and wouldn't you have a better life if you believed? I think so but my brain isn't wired like that, I struggle to believe in something that I can't be sure of. People said I believed in my dad when there were all kinds of signs he wasn't doing well in the hospital. I told them I know but I believed in him with all my heart. He was going to be the one that did the unthinkable. He was going to come home with me. Now that he is gone I don't know what to believe in. If he is just gone then I am heart broken. If he is somewhere else then I am also heart broken but there is hope. These thoughts maybe so jumbled but I welcome anyone to tell me their views. I am reaching out for help from whoever can give me just a little help.

My aunt Sham is here from South Africa. She planned this trip a long time ago and her focus was to come see my dad. When he got sick then the focus was to be here to lift him up to get better. Now that he is gone her focus is to support and help us anyway she can. It is amazing how things can change so fast. 3 months ago my dad and I were looking online for wheels for my car and now I am trying to make it through an hour without crying. Sham lost her husband about 10 years ago. She has been another inspiration to my mom. She understands the pain and she understands it in the way I think about it because she is similar to my dad and as a result similar to me. The anger and pain is something she feels. Last night we had everyone over to see Sham as well as see Uma and Soogni before they left. It was so nice that everyone, despite their differences, chatted, laughed, and were getting along like a big family. I sat there and just watched. I listened to the fullness of the house and felt the vacancy of my dad's voice. There hadn't been a gathering of that many of his family in a very long time and he wasn't there to see it. Everyone said he was there watching over all of us. I listened to his brothers and sisters talk with the same mannerisms as my dad and it was nice to remember him but so hard not to have him around. He really loved a full house of family. It was something he cherished. The get togethers he had was some of the happiest times I saw him. A few times last night I had to go to a private place and just cry. Cry harder than I have cried in a such a long time. It was like the new life without him was right in my face and I missed the life when he was getting me to help him serve drinks and hand out food. It is in his best times that I now have my worst. When he was at his glory I now wither away. It is a terrible contrast. As I write this the tears continue to flow.

Through some discussions it has come to light that there is a large amount of fear that I am dealing with. I would say that is pretty accurate. I am terrified. I am scared of trying to live without my dad. I am scared this pain will always be this bad. I am scared of never ever seeing him again. Somethings I can work on and somethings I have to accept. They all bring the fear. I am generally not a fearful person. I get nervous about things but generally push through it. There is some thought that my dad kept me protected my whole life and that I never got a chance to self actualize. Maybe that is true, I am not sure. I was pretty confident about who I was and the person I want to be. I am less confident with this grief but I don't think I am not self actualized. Then again the lost feeling and the vulnerability would lead me to believe that I am not self actualized. My dad played a bigger role as a friend in recent years and not a protector. I feel that Quinn forced me to actualize my life. Come to terms with the life I was leading. I don't know. I know I feel alone and vulnerable. I know I miss him and miss the reassurance he gave me that I was doing good things. Beyond that I can't figure it out.

As some people know, my dad's wish was to have his ashes spread over Albert Falls in South Africa. I made the promise to him a few times and will fulfill his wish. We did the prayer here for the majority of his ashes but a smaller portion I am taking to South Africa. I have finally booked my ticket and will be in South Africa for a total of 5 days. It will be a fast trip but as my aunt said, it is a mission and not a vacation. I am dreading the trip. Going to South Africa without my dad is going to be so difficult. The one place on this entire earth that I need my dad is South Africa. That was where he was home and I was lost. Now going back I am scared. I am going to the one place on earth he wanted to have his ashes spread and I have never been there. I am going there without him which isn't right. I really just want to get there and get out of there. I know there is a lot of family there that I normally would love to see but if I can get in and out of there without a total emotional breakdown then I will take that as a success. I know there are going to be a lot of moments of heart break, lots of tears but it is also a place that brought him a lot of joy. It is going to be like this new life without him is getting ready to kick me in the heart, repeatedly. I will try and take another moment during the prayer to say some words to my dad. Tell him how I have been doing and again tell him I love him beyond this world. I will try and manage but it feels like I have to say goodbye to him all over again. I have to suffer the loss of my father another time.

How a Son suffers the Loss of his Father

I have been continue to cycle through everything. I read some of my previous entries and it is apparent that I continue to work through the same things over and over again. I hope it isn't too repetitive for people to read. I am trying to put my thoughts down as they happen.

I am still having the morning awakenings and it is so hard to wake up in disbelief my dad is gone. It is so hard to come to the realization he isn't here and I can't call him. I have been trying to be strong in front of the kids, especially Ronin. He is able to express a lot more and understands the compassionate connection a little better than Quinn. I also think he has a different view because I lost my father and I am his father.

I was picking up Quinn for therapy yesterday and the kids were in the playground at daycare. This particular day at this time both Quinn and Ronin were there. The teachers didn't know I was only there for Quinn and called Ronin over. He came over around the gate to where Quinn and I were. I told him that mommy was coming for him later, he turn around and went back into the playground without a word. He stood on the other side of the fence looking at me. I asked him for a hug and he came back around and I saw he was trying not to cry. He was battling hard and then when he hugged me he broke down and begged me to come with me. He didn't want me to leave him. How could I leave him? He was begging for his dad. I beg for my dad everyday and can't do anything about it. His dad was right there and I couldn't not be there for him. So I picked them both up and carried them to the car and the only one not crying was Quinn. Ronin buried his face in my chest and cried. He held me so tight all the way to the car. It was very touching. Not something I will forget easily.

I started thinking about how Ronin and I have a bond, father and son. So I started reading about it. What are the things son's suffer with when they lose their father. It was very eye opening. The consensus is that all the men in one study indicated that losing their father was the single greatest loss of their life. Even for son's that had lost both parents. There were a couple things that they suffered with. They all resonated with me.

Vulnerability. The idea son's are shocked that the world doesn't stop when their dad passed. It leaves them feeling alone and isolated even if their mom is still alive. Father's served as a shield of protection. Someone they could count on for help and advice. With this gone the son doesn't know where to turn in a crisis and feels vulnerable and scared. This is something I am struggling with. Life is a very scary place for me. I don't have the comfort with turning to anyone but my dad. I could always depend on him for anything. He would never let me down and would be there for me regardless of anything. I felt safe when facing things with him and nothing seemed impossible. If things didn't work out and dad was there it was OK. I don't know what to do now that he isn't here. I feel like a burden on everyone else in my life.

Awareness of Mortality. The loss of a father creates the reality that life is finite and death in inescapable. Men see their fathers as part of them. So when their fathers pass a part of them has died as well. We operate in most cases with the assumption that we are in control of our own destiny. In the case of death is isn't true. Having our protective illusion stripped is very difficult to deal with since no amount of self control or problem solving can bring him back. I am struggling with this as well. I have no control over when people leave. This life just goes on and I am going to pass at some point. Ronin and Quinn are going to be without a dad sometime. I am not in control and things can be "fixed". I look for reasons why things happened or a way to make it OK and there isn't any. All is left in this life where my dad was is pain. Loss. Longing.

Loss of Audience. A son will go out of his way to please his father and is the one person it is acceptable to brag to. Sharing accomplishments in school, career, and family is what is typically shared. When the father is gone it isn't like a member of the audience is gone, it is like the whole audience is gone. For sons who are also fathers this loss extends to not being able to share the accomplishments of their children and not being able to seek advice for parenting. Many sons miss dad when they need their old coach in any area of life that’s giving them trouble. For me this is one of the hardest things I am dealing with as I try to get my life back. My dad was always there. When I played hockey I remember feeling nervous or unsure and would look up to the stands and see him there. He was always looking at me and gave me so much confidence. When I did something great I would look up to the stands first and he would be cheering me on. Later in life whenever something great would happen he would be the first person I want to tell. I lost all that. I feel like no one else cares about what I do or accomplish. Everyone else has their own things going on but my dad was dedicated to me. He was the one that was always there and waiting to hear about the great things I did. I feel like no one cares anymore and I have no one cheering me on.

Taking up the Mantle. A father's death is a right of passage for a son. A very painful one. Many men, regardless of their age when their father died, feel like they grew up suddenly and significantly when it happened. They have to take the lead in the family dynamic. I can't tell you how many people have told me that I am now the head of the household. I have to do my dad proud. Lead like he did. I have to take care of my mom. It is a lot of pressure that I know is on me now. I know what needs to be done but I am not sure I can do it. I don't feel ready. I am 38 years old and feel like I am a little kid that lost their dad. I feel I am not ready to grow up yet. Can I handle all this? I don't feel like I am doing a great job.

Long Shadow. As a boy grows, he learns many lessons and skills from his father who serves as his mentor and teacher. He quickly learns that it is better to do things his father's way based on experience and the hassle of disobedience. Sons long for the approval of their fathers and live to be told “good job.” Son's feel compelled to do things "Dad's way" and still long for his approval "Would dad be proud?" I struggle with this as well. I want to do everything right, the way my dad would have wanted it. Fixing something at home, do things at my parents house, even driving the car. I want it to be the way my dad would have done it. I am desperate to make sure he would have approved. I need his approval to know I am doing things OK. It hurts so much to not have him here to say I am doing a good job. I think about the things I would have loved to hear from him before he passed. The one at the top of the list is "I am proud of you". People tell me that he was but it isn't the same as hearing the words. It breaks my heart because I want to know that he was proud of me and that I wasn't a disappointment.

Father's Legacy. Later in the grieving process men will look at the life of their fathers to try to take stock of their heritage and to see how their father’s values and lifestyle have influenced them. Some sons will look back happily on men of character and values that they admire and hope to emulate. This will inspire them to leave a legacy and keep the chain intact. I am not even close to this realization. I am still suffering so much with the loss of my dad and can't see the life ahead. It is crippling to understand that my dad is gone and don't know how to proceed. I hope someday I can do this because my dad was amazing. He truly was amazing and my hero. I wish I had told him that before he was in the hospital and when he could talk back. He was everything to me. He filled me up with so much love and now I feel so empty with him gone.

As you can see these things apply directly to me. It is comforting to read what I am going through and that I am not alone but it doesn't help the pain at all. I miss my dad and struggle to find a life without him. I am so desperate to see a sign that he is with me. I feel alone and can't turn to my dad to talk to him. He can't give me advice. Just a few words to know I am going to be OK.

2 Lives Lost

The above picture is from Sinead and Radu's wedding. Thank you Sinead for finding some pictures for me. If anyone has pictures of my dad please send me everything you have. It helps me see these moments captured.

It has been really hard to come to terms with my dad not being here. Everything is a reminder of him and it hurts. I was holding Ronin and thinking that I miss being a dad. I miss seeing the kids do things and just enjoy it. It seems I have been watching the kids through the eyes of a grieving son and not a proud father. I am having a hard time finding a balance between doing both.

I have the moments when I can bear the despair and there are times I can't. I have some suggestions for coping mechanisms to help me get through those times but they usually involve me pushing the thoughts out of my mind and focusing on other things. I find that extremely hard. Partly because it is difficult to do and mostly because I don't think my dad deserves to ever be pushed out of my mind. He is too important to me and I would never push him away in any form. That is my real struggle. Finding the way to pull him close to my heart without feeling the pain. I talk and talk to people for some parts of help and try different things but haven't found something that works.

I know my dad has passed and is gone. His life on this earth has ended but he didn't go on his own. He took such a big part of me with him. The title of this blog could be a lot more that 2 lives lost, considering my mom, my sister, Quinn, Ronin, and all the other people my dad impacted, but I will continue to try and focus on what I am going through because I could never understand their pain. I lost such a big part. I lost the possibilities, the new moments lost, and I lost my direction in life. I thought I had a good idea of how I wanted to live my life and face the challenges that were ahead of me but now I am not sure. This life is lost. How do I find the way to be OK with this life without my dad. What do I do about work? Working out? Playing sports? Being a father? I need his counsel and his love right now. I need it.

I can feel him right there. I can hear his voice. I can almost feel his touch. But he is gone. He feels so close but is so unattainable. I long for 5 minutes to talk to him. Just the reassurance from the only person that matters right now that I will be OK and things will be OK. How do I get that? How do I know that? How do I find this life?

I try and understand that I didn't rely on my dad to do things for me. I did need him though. I needed to know I always had him to help me along. I think about the time he was in the hospital and kept telling the doctors that he just needs a little help. I would tell him that he is an amazing man and just needs a little help. That is how I feel now. I know I have these great things in life but I always needed that little bit of help from my dad. The small things to help me through life as well as the larger emotional part. He gave me that little nudge through life so I could keep going. When I was younger the nudges were stronger and more frequent but as I got older they were less apparent and less direct. He would just ask if I was OK. He would drop off some groceries that he know we needed but never asked for. He would put his arm around me and hug me every time he saw me. He would just be him. He would comfort me without words. No one in the world can do that for me. I try and look and find other ways to help me cope. Look for the same things from other places but they aren't here, they aren't my dad. I feel so much desperation to have my dad with me, to have him hug me, and to understand that is not possible, is discouraging to say the least.

People tell me all kinds of encouraging things that I am sure sound great but don't seem to have impact on me. I know I need to embrace the great times I had with my dad. I know time moves on. I know my kids need me. I know I need to live in his honor. I know he would want me to be happy. I know his spirit won't rest unless he knows I am happy. I know all that and so much more. It doesn't help my heart. I can't just "move on" without my dad. It isn't that easy. If it were, then he wouldn't have been such a big part of my life.

My mental cycle of grief is so tough. I continue to hash through the hospital and everything that happened. I am grateful that everyone is so patient with me and support my questions/confirmations of events. I try and focus on the good times. I can say all the right things to the people that are also suffering with the loss of my dad. He had a great life. He was loved. He got sick and fought hard. His body gave out. It was his time. I say all these things with the greatest intentions in mind but they don't ease the pain. Maybe in time they will give us some comfort but I struggle to go to bed and wake up everyday. It is another sunset and sunrise I am experiencing without my father. I know he has left this world but I still need him and I still miss him.

Our Daily Chats

As I think I have mentioned before, I used to call my dad everyday. We wouldn't talk about much but it was nice to have that 10 minutes a day to talk to him. The topic of the day would change all the time from sports, the kids, cars, to any of a wide range of other things. Yesterday I took a long drive up to see Quinn, Brenda and her parents at their house in Peterborough. It was a surprise drop in as I was in Brampton and Ronin was at daycare. I was thinking that a long drive to talk to myself would be good. I loaded some stuff that needed to go to Peterborough in the truck and off I went. The drive up was more about reminiscing and thinking about what had happened. I got there and unloaded the stuff. Had a bite to eat and headed back to get Ronin. The drive back I found myself more emotional. The entire drive back I held my cell phone so tight in my hand so desperately wishing I could call him. Trying to remember the countless conversations we had and how it was so comforting to know I could just pick up the phone to talk to him. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed and needed those 10 minutes in my day. Now I do understand. That time gave me a sense of being loved and needed beyond what I get from Brenda and the kids. It was a feeling I have never not had. Every time he picked up the phone there was no doubt he was happy to hear my voice. He was so comforting just by the way he said "Hello". Whatever problems I had would just seem in perspective at that moment. I wouldn't talk to him about my problems very often, that really wasn't what the call was about it was just a daily connection to my dad. I am lost without it. Those 10 minutes made my heart feel like there was someone out there that has and will always be there just for me. My dad would never let anything stand in the way of him being with me and it hurts so much to know I can't have that anymore. I think that is the biggest source of the loneliness I feel. That same loneliness transfers on to Quinn and Ronin. Someone worded it to me quite correctly, I am suffering through the loss of my dad two fold, one for me and one for Quinn & Ronin.

The daily chats would usually end with my dad passing the phone to my mom. I would delay asking about my mom because as soon as I would, my dad would pass the phone off so I could get the information first hand. I would ask him about the Cadillac, how he is feeling, what he is doing, and all kinds of other stuff. It was what they call those little things. My mom said when he got home he would always ask if I called. I never thought he really focused on my calls but know I understand how much he looked forward to it as well. It was so special. The whole drive was that constant longing to call my dad but it was so much more. I cried a lot. I missed him. I screamed. I cried some more. I remembered him. I was in disbelief he was gone. I yelled some more. I thought about the hospital. It was emotionally draining but also a release. I am starting to understand why my mom says she needs time to be alone. This was my alone time and I was able to let everything go. It felt nice not to censor anything and talk aloud. The whole drive came to a point when a song came on an old CD I had in the car. There was a song called "In a Little While" by Uncle Kracker. It seemed like the song was written for me at this moment. Here are a few lyrics from that song:

Sometimes I feel like Something is gone here

Something is wrong here, I don't belong here

I've lost what I have found

In a little while I will be thinking about you

In a little while I'll still be here without you

You never gave me a reason to doubt you

As you can see it is very direct to what I am going through. The part about I don't belong here really hit home. I belong in a life where my dad is. Where I can pick up the phone to talk to him and not a life where he passed away and I can't reach him. I've lost the relationship with him that I had just understood when he went into the hospital. All the other lines are self explanatory. It was weird to hear this song at this time on a CD I haven't listened to in years. Then there was a verse that totally broke me down:

On the other side of a coin
There’s a face there’s a memory somewhere that I can’t erase
And there’s a place that I'll find someday
But sometimes I feel like it’s slippin’ away

This is how I feel. It is my dad and a place with him that I want to find but it is slipping away as my life with him just becomes memories and it is so hard. I miss him as a part of my physical life.

I think back to listening to the radio when I had issues with girls and it seemed like all the songs were written for me. It was because those songs were written with that situation in mind. I don't think there are too many songs out there with what I am going through in mind. In fact this song is more about a break up than about losing a parent.

The picture above is the image I remember every time I walk into my parents house. That was my dad's "spot" he would look over and get up if he wasn't in the middle of something. I remember him there when I was growing up working so hard on stuff with papers everywhere but would always take time to talk with me. It is really that which impacts me. He was part of every single day of my life. I am lost without that call, it is amazing how losing 10 minutes a day can crush you on so many level. I miss you dad.

Struggle To Live and Solve the Problem

I am trying to understand everything I am going through. It is difficult and it hurts all the time. I try and understand why. I always come back to the fact that I miss my dad and just can't believe he is gone. I can almost feel him right here. Last night I actually picked up the phone with the intention of calling him only to be crushed by the realization he is gone. It is hard to find what life looks like without my dad. How do I find that place where I can live and enjoy life, the way my dad would want me to, without him here. He was the foundation of my life. Without him I can honestly say I would have nothing. Everyone tries to justify the fact that he is gone by telling me that he had to leave because I have to now carry on. I don't quite believe my dad would leave me, my mom, Kanch, or Quinn and Ronin just so I can fulfill a legacy. Then again did he have a choice to leave? I don't think so. He would suffer any pains to be with me. I know that without a doubt. I have always felt the connection that I had with my dad beyond the father and son. I felt I learned from him not through words or instruction but through being in his presence because I felt so close to him that I could understand what he did because I was like him. I am sure he saw everything of him in me. I wish I could have told him that as proud as he was that I was his son, I was even prouder to have him as a father. We found a card I gave him last year for Father's Day. It really says everything I wanted to say to him about his role as my father:

"If I have been able to see farther than others... it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants"

Sir Isaac Newton

When I succeed or excel it is because I have had my father lift me above. He has made all the difference in my life and now I struggle to live without him. Who will lift me up? Who will give me the confidence when I don't think I can do it? Who will I talk to everyday to give me that calming talk regardless of how the day went? It is a discouraging thought that I will have a hard time coping and enjoying life the same way I did. Is it possible? I don't know. I am sure I can enjoy life but can I enjoy it at the same level I did when my dad was here? I am not sure. That is the discouraging. That is a hard outlook for the rest of my life.

As I try to understand how I cope with grief and the process of letting my feelings flow, I start to understand more about me. The process is for me to cycle everything, regrets, circumstances, everything, until the point of exhaustion so that I fully deal with everything. This is very tough for me. Through discussions I am made aware that I need solutions to things, and I need them now. This was a bit of a revelation about me. I knew I had a tough time with patience but didn't know why. There were sometimes I was OK and others that I struggled. The reason, as I am now learning, is because I need solutions now. When the car breaks down, I need it fixed now. When we have an issue with our finances, I need it solved now. It is less a question of patience and more of solutions. I am OK to wait for a parcel to come in 3 weeks unless it is a part that will fix something I have. This is at the core of the issues I am having with losing my dad and finding a way to cope. When he was in the hospital I could find solutions, tests, levels, to see a way that this can be solved. With Quinn there is progression, there are therapists, there is a way to help her solve the things she struggles with. With my dad's passing there is no solution. With my pain from losing my dad there is no solution. So I have been blaming myself a lot. I have been thinking about the first things I would tell my dad right now if I had a chance. I would say "I love you" "I miss you" but I would also definitely say "I'm sorry". That is tough. I am sorry that I couldn't find a way to save him. I don't think anything was done wrong but I don't think I found a way that he could make it through even if it was very unlikely. No one will tell me that 100% he was going to leave us. That means there was a way, and I didn't find it. It is a burden I struggle with. I know I am not a doctor and I know I did the best anyone could expect, but the way I have always measured myself is by results and my dad didn't make it so I failed. With the pain I am having there is also no solution because the cause of the pain is my dad is gone and I miss him terribly. I want to organize my head and my heart so I "solve" this pain but I can't. It is only time that will ease the pain. It is difficult to feel helpless to the fact my dad is gone for me. It is a daily struggle to feel I can't change anything. I can't find a solution. I will keep trying and waiting. Waiting to find less pain and more joy in my life without my dad in a way that I don't feel guilty about it. This is the battle I go through all day.

The picture above is my favorite picture of my dad and I. I think it is better than the pictures at our wedding. The main reason is that we are on top of a glacier where we both thought we would never be. I loved being there and I know it was something he always wanted to do. We were on top of the world together. Arm in arm, facing the treacherous footing together. It was something I will cherish for the rest of my life. Thank you Dad.

Dad's Birthday - August 15, 1937

Today is my dad's birthday. I am not sure if I am supposed to say it would have been his birthday or it still is. I am going to say that today IS my Dad's birthday because regardless of what happened in the last month, today is the anniversary of the day he was born.

I was thinking that leading up to this day it wouldn't impact me as much because I miss him every minute of every day. I was wrong, really wrong. Today has just crushed me beyond words. I realized at about 3am this morning that today is the toughest of all days. Today was the one day that we could all do everything for my dad. Spoil him the way he was supposed to be and he would let us. Other days he wouldn't hear of it. If we would try and do something for him he would just say he will do it himself and tie in something for us. He was that kind of special man. I look around to other people and find it hard to see someone else like him. I guess that is why he was my dad. There was no one else like him, a true one of a kind original.

As I try and deal with today, I reflect on all the great times we had with him on birthdays. Not just his birthday but all our birthdays. We would always have cake. There would always be a meal out at a restaurant. There would definitely be presents. I remember my 30th birthday and I gave my parents such grief about getting me a weed wacker for my 30th birthday. I look back and regret giving him a hard time. I also am trying to look back and laugh because it is funny how they wanted to make sure I got something I either needed or wanted. My dad wasn't always sure what I wanted and I always told him I have everything I need. So he usually went the need route. I can honestly say that there was never a time when his heart was not in the right place. He wanted so badly to make me happy. I guess I never really told him that his hugs and his presence was more than enough for me. That made all the difference.

How do I know go on without having the enjoyment of my Dad in my life? How do I make this new life without him? I told everyone that he would never leave me and now I feel like I am leaving him by trying to move on with life.

I am struggling with the type of person I am and dealing with this. I am a bit of an obsessive personality so with all this pain I am trying to force the feelings through. Understand them, organize them, and then move on. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. This process is giving me so much frustration because I understand you can't force your heart into not hurting. All the rationalization in the world won't change a broken heart.

But today is my dad's day. I will try and celebrate him. Remember the years of laughter and joy we shared. Put on a happy face even if inside I am hurting. I will focus on being lucky to know him instead of sorrow of losing him. I will focus on him being happy instead of being lonely without him.

Today is his day and I will celebrate a beautiful man that gave me the world every day of my life. Would serve it up to me on a platter if I asked. I love him beyond words, beyond tears, and beyond this life.

I love you Dad.

Morning Sickness

I have been trying to organize my thoughts and appreciate all the support I have been receiving from everyone that cares about me. Throughout the day I get notes from people and it helps. That being said the time I need the most support is when people aren't around, early in the morning.

I have been waking up really early and in so much pain. Every morning I am woken up with so much despair and pain. It is like I am losing my dad again. I relive it all again so vividly every morning from the time he was admitted into the hospital to the point when he passed. Then I go through all the things I wanted to do with my dad when he was alive. Relive all the regrets I had. I try and work it out without waking up Brenda but the tears usually wake her up. Then I ask her to confirm details for me because I start to lose my ability to think straight as the wave of emotions over take me. The intensity is just as strong as when I first lost my dad. They say that over time the intensity doesn't really go down but you get more time between the pain and grief. I am terrified to live like this forever, dealing with the pain every morning, missing my dad so much, crying so much, hurting so much. I ask why did he have to go. I ask where he is now. I ask if I will ever see him again. I can't lay down and I can't stand up.

There is nothing in the morning that brings me comfort. I cry when I look at pictures and videos in the morning. It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. The unrest eats me alive and I feel I am starting the grieving process all over again. Fighting to accept the loss of my dad. I try and rationalize why do I have to go through this every morning. Am I going crazy? Am I just making up for the time during sleep when I wasn't thinking about him? I just don't know. I am writing this in the morning and the tears are flowing. I want to have my dad hug me and make me feel safe. There is so much longing for him that my heart breaks to pieces.

When I do pull it together enough to get the kids up I go to see Ronin and every morning he refers to Aaja. Aaja would love this shirt. Do you miss Aaja daddy? Then I break apart again and have to take a break from him. I then think about all the thoughts Quinn is having that she can't tell me and it breaks me down even further. How does she cope and understand that her Aaja isn't here? How does she find comfort without him?

He provided a safe place for her the same way he did for me, so I understand how she might be feeling.

It is a cycle of grief that I don't know how to manage. How could I possibly get back to a normal life again with these mornings every day. Every day feeling lost and hurt. Every day feeling like I lost my father, friend, and protector. Every day feeling that love hurts so much. What is the point?

These are my mornings. This is what I go through every day. I don't feel I start my day until about 10am when I can get my emotions sorted out. So many tears. So much pain.

I have been actively trying to reach out to everyone and anyone I know to try and find support. Everyone has been great and I have received so much love from people. It helps so much to have people that I can reach out to and talk to. People that can tell me their memories of the relationship I had with my dad. I still can't believe my dad is gone. There are points when I talk to people and I think this is a terrible nightmare that will be over and he will be sitting with me again. Then I try to battle with the thoughts of coming to terms with missing him more than words. Missing having him near me. How do I not have him around in my life?

Thank you to everyone that has helped and continues to help me. I am sorry that this process isn't going as quickly as I would like. I wish I could come to terms of losing him and start the next phase of my life. I just can't yet. Nurses used to commend me on always being there for my dad and I used to tell them that I would never leave him. They say that they have never seen that before and I tell them that I know that he would never leave me. I am scared for my life to move on and leave him behind. I don't want my life to separate from my dad, ever.

Why are we here? What is Life about?

It has been a struggle lately understanding what is the point of life if everyone dies. There are tonnes of quotes that talk about the moments and the quality but in the end what is the purpose? I have been so angry lately and yelling when I am home alone. Yelling so loud that my voice goes hoarse. I am angry that my dad is gone. I am angry I didn't live my life to the fullest when he was here. I am angry other people have their dad. There is so much negative feelings running around my head. My mind is so overloaded with trying to make sense of everything that there are times I feel like I am falling apart.

So why are we here? For me, I was here to raise two kids, share my life with Brenda, be friends with my sister, and make my parents (mostly my dad) proud. That is the way I had structured my life. There were a lot of other little things in there but these were the pillars. Doing these things made me happy and gave my life purpose. Now that my dad is gone, there is a missing purpose in my life. I feel like the purpose of my life, the pillars, were a whole and not individual part. Since I can't make my dad proud, and get the positive reinforcement from him, then the whole thing is not valid. The missing parts are taking over everything. It makes it more difficult because the part of life that were my parents is gone. My dad has passed and my mom is no longer whole. Those two things together, my dad being gone and my mom heartbroken, has made me question how am I supposed to live life.

My plan is gone. I don't know what I am supposed to do here. Quinn and Ronin need me but I am hardly a father lately as I can barely mentally cope with taking care of myself. That being said, I know I need to pull together because they deserve as good, if not better, life than I had. I refer to a better life than me because I think in the end that is what my dad would want. A progression of improvement of life quality. He had very little growing up, I feel I had all I wanted, and I would want Quinn and Ronin to have even more.

So people ask me what my dad would say or tell me. I know he would tell me "It's Ok Mills", "You have to try Mills" but it isn't the same as him being here. I know he would want me to live my life well and take care of the kids, but it isn't the same as him being here. Sometimes we take for granted knowing something and hearing it. We don't say the things we should because it is known. I think I said the things I wanted to my dad in the hospital and through life but I can't remember all the things that I wanted to hear from him. I know them without a doubt but hearing it would make it even better. So I try to get up in the morning, I try to do things that make me seem useful and try to get back to somewhat of a routine even if it feels empty beyond words. I hold Ronin a little tighter, I squeeze Quinn a little longer, but it feels like an act. They have the saying that you fake it before you make it. I guess I am taking that route and hoping for the best but it isn't easy. Even faking it takes so much energy that it is beyond me. I find myself going places and planning an escape route if my emotions get the better of me. It is hard to live like this but hoping it gets better.

My dad was this amazing man. He gave me everything he had. He gave his family everything he had. He wasn't selfish and he never held back. I hope wherever he is, he knows I think he was the greatest man I have ever known.

I remember mornings driving to the GO station to catch my train, I would drive by my parents street everyday in the hopes that I would see my dad. Some mornings I would be lucky enough to see him pulling out in his Cadillac and I hope he could see how happy I was to be with him, even if it was in two separate cars. Just the sight of him and his presence brought so much joy and calmness to me. It was inspiring. I would race to catch up to him and be along side his car as long as I could. Even with other cars honking I would stay along side him and wave like I was 5 years old. It made the day a little better seeing him.

Now that he is gone, I have a void. I am not sure how life should be, where I go from here. Can I survive this pain and will my mom be ok. It all seems like too much from one heart to take. I will do my best to forge on but feel like I continue to fall and force myself to get back up. I worry that sometimes I don't feel like getting back up.

My Father

As most of you know, I lost my father on July 13th, 2011 at 12:13 am. It was after a long battle (8 weeks) in the hospital and so many miracles. He meant the world to us. My mom, Kanch, Brenda and the kids (Quinn and Ronin) are crushed. I can't speak about the pain my mom is going through because that is her experience and I couldn't accurately capture it here but I know that her experience is similar to mine. I know this because the things she tells me she is worried about and upset about are similar to mine.

It has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I struggle every morning with despair of missing my dad. He was a great guy. Anyone that knew him would agree he was just an amazing man. Everyone has regrets when a loved one passes. My regrets started even before my dad passed. During the first 2 weeks in the hospital I was very aware of the relationship I had with my dad that had gone on for so long with out my conscious notice of it. The connection I had with him and the things I wanted him to tell me became clear. He is and will always be my hero. I prayed and hoped desperately for him to get better so that I could have another chance to live my life with my best friend. Show him all that I have learned but that wasn't to be.

I wrote, and continue to write, notes to him. Originally I was going to share them with him when he got better but now I do it to organize my mind/heart. I still wish there was a way he could see them.

Brenda and I have had so many problems with cars lately and that is a constant reminder that my dad isn't around. He was always my go to guy for cars. He was the only person in this world I could ask anything to without feeling like a burden. It is tough to live life without that safety. When our car broke down outside Peterborough it almost totally broke me. I hadn't called my dad to bail me out of a jam with cars in almost 5 years and then a couple weeks after his passing I need him. He would have drove to Peterborough for me right away with a plan, no matter what time of night. He was always there for me.

Someone described to me that losing a parent is a club that you never want to be in but something that you have with these other people. Right now I feel like the only person in the world that lost my father. They say that in fact I am. I am the only Milan that lost his Dad, Gooruduth (Greg). My experiences with my dad are different from everyone else so my grieving will be different. That being said the cycle is the same but the content is different for everyone.

My dad was this great man that dropped everything when he was in his 20's to support his whole family. Put one brother through medical school and continue to help his family to the day he passed. I don't know how a man can give up so much. Everyone that has ever met him would say he was a distinguished man that was a pleasure to be around. People would also comment on how proper and disciplined he was. What people don't know is he melted when Quinn and Ronin were around. Playing Hide & Seek with them, chasing them around, getting them whatever they wanted and most of all a place they could run and get comfort.

One of the hardest parts of losing my dad is the impact to my kids. Ronin has told me he misses him but not for himself as much as for me. He wants his Aaja back so his daddy isn't sad. He told me he will do anything to bring Aaja back for Christmas because Aaja loves Christmas. Quinn is another story, she is going to people she normally doesn't and seems to be searching for Aaja but can't find him. It must be torture to be so heartbroken and not be able to tell Brenda or I. I feel for her.

Days have been tough to not have my dad. The day to day is manageable but the feeling of foreverness is unbearable at times. I will never have him around again. No hugs, No kisses, No laughing voice. I will live the rest of my life without my father. That is a tough thing to face because I am not sure I have the strength to face the pain when it comes, and from what everyone says it will come, for the rest of my life.

My dad never had the chance to tell me his last words and I feel cheated. He had a vent tube in for the last 6 weeks in hospital and desperately tried to communicate with me. He used to try so hard to talk and get so tired trying. I told him that I love him, and I know he loves me. I told him I know he is proud of me and he loves Quinn and Ronin. I told him I will take care of mom. I told him he was my hero. I told him all these things but never got a chance to hear his voice and know what he was thinking. I can think of the things he would say but not hearing it isn't the same.

I will continue to write here because I know people are concerned about me and this will help me think out my thoughts and also give people insight to what I am going through