I am trying to understand everything I am going through. It is difficult and it hurts all the time. I try and understand why. I always come back to the fact that I miss my dad and just can't believe he is gone. I can almost feel him right here. Last night I actually picked up the phone with the intention of calling him only to be crushed by the realization he is gone. It is hard to find what life looks like without my dad. How do I find that place where I can live and enjoy life, the way my dad would want me to, without him here. He was the foundation of my life. Without him I can honestly say I would have nothing. Everyone tries to justify the fact that he is gone by telling me that he had to leave because I have to now carry on. I don't quite believe my dad would leave me, my mom, Kanch, or Quinn and Ronin just so I can fulfill a legacy. Then again did he have a choice to leave? I don't think so. He would suffer any pains to be with me. I know that without a doubt. I have always felt the connection that I had with my dad beyond the father and son. I felt I learned from him not through words or instruction but through being in his presence because I felt so close to him that I could understand what he did because I was like him. I am sure he saw everything of him in me. I wish I could have told him that as proud as he was that I was his son, I was even prouder to have him as a father. We found a card I gave him last year for Father's Day. It really says everything I wanted to say to him about his role as my father:
"If I have been able to see farther than others... it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants"
Sir Isaac Newton
When I succeed or excel it is because I have had my father lift me above. He has made all the difference in my life and now I struggle to live without him. Who will lift me up? Who will give me the confidence when I don't think I can do it? Who will I talk to everyday to give me that calming talk regardless of how the day went? It is a discouraging thought that I will have a hard time coping and enjoying life the same way I did. Is it possible? I don't know. I am sure I can enjoy life but can I enjoy it at the same level I did when my dad was here? I am not sure. That is the discouraging. That is a hard outlook for the rest of my life.
As I try to understand how I cope with grief and the process of letting my feelings flow, I start to understand more about me. The process is for me to cycle everything, regrets, circumstances, everything, until the point of exhaustion so that I fully deal with everything. This is very tough for me. Through discussions I am made aware that I need solutions to things, and I need them now. This was a bit of a revelation about me. I knew I had a tough time with patience but didn't know why. There were sometimes I was OK and others that I struggled. The reason, as I am now learning, is because I need solutions now. When the car breaks down, I need it fixed now. When we have an issue with our finances, I need it solved now. It is less a question of patience and more of solutions. I am OK to wait for a parcel to come in 3 weeks unless it is a part that will fix something I have. This is at the core of the issues I am having with losing my dad and finding a way to cope. When he was in the hospital I could find solutions, tests, levels, to see a way that this can be solved. With Quinn there is progression, there are therapists, there is a way to help her solve the things she struggles with. With my dad's passing there is no solution. With my pain from losing my dad there is no solution. So I have been blaming myself a lot. I have been thinking about the first things I would tell my dad right now if I had a chance. I would say "I love you" "I miss you" but I would also definitely say "I'm sorry". That is tough. I am sorry that I couldn't find a way to save him. I don't think anything was done wrong but I don't think I found a way that he could make it through even if it was very unlikely. No one will tell me that 100% he was going to leave us. That means there was a way, and I didn't find it. It is a burden I struggle with. I know I am not a doctor and I know I did the best anyone could expect, but the way I have always measured myself is by results and my dad didn't make it so I failed. With the pain I am having there is also no solution because the cause of the pain is my dad is gone and I miss him terribly. I want to organize my head and my heart so I "solve" this pain but I can't. It is only time that will ease the pain. It is difficult to feel helpless to the fact my dad is gone for me. It is a daily struggle to feel I can't change anything. I can't find a solution. I will keep trying and waiting. Waiting to find less pain and more joy in my life without my dad in a way that I don't feel guilty about it. This is the battle I go through all day.
The picture above is my favorite picture of my dad and I. I think it is better than the pictures at our wedding. The main reason is that we are on top of a glacier where we both thought we would never be. I loved being there and I know it was something he always wanted to do. We were on top of the world together. Arm in arm, facing the treacherous footing together. It was something I will cherish for the rest of my life. Thank you Dad.
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