Today is my dad's birthday. I am not sure if I am supposed to say it would have been his birthday or it still is. I am going to say that today IS my Dad's birthday because regardless of what happened in the last month, today is the anniversary of the day he was born.
I was thinking that leading up to this day it wouldn't impact me as much because I miss him every minute of every day. I was wrong, really wrong. Today has just crushed me beyond words. I realized at about 3am this morning that today is the toughest of all days. Today was the one day that we could all do everything for my dad. Spoil him the way he was supposed to be and he would let us. Other days he wouldn't hear of it. If we would try and do something for him he would just say he will do it himself and tie in something for us. He was that kind of special man. I look around to other people and find it hard to see someone else like him. I guess that is why he was my dad. There was no one else like him, a true one of a kind original.
As I try and deal with today, I reflect on all the great times we had with him on birthdays. Not just his birthday but all our birthdays. We would always have cake. There would always be a meal out at a restaurant. There would definitely be presents. I remember my 30th birthday and I gave my parents such grief about getting me a weed wacker for my 30th birthday. I look back and regret giving him a hard time. I also am trying to look back and laugh because it is funny how they wanted to make sure I got something I either needed or wanted. My dad wasn't always sure what I wanted and I always told him I have everything I need. So he usually went the need route. I can honestly say that there was never a time when his heart was not in the right place. He wanted so badly to make me happy. I guess I never really told him that his hugs and his presence was more than enough for me. That made all the difference.
How do I know go on without having the enjoyment of my Dad in my life? How do I make this new life without him? I told everyone that he would never leave me and now I feel like I am leaving him by trying to move on with life.
I am struggling with the type of person I am and dealing with this. I am a bit of an obsessive personality so with all this pain I am trying to force the feelings through. Understand them, organize them, and then move on. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. This process is giving me so much frustration because I understand you can't force your heart into not hurting. All the rationalization in the world won't change a broken heart.
But today is my dad's day. I will try and celebrate him. Remember the years of laughter and joy we shared. Put on a happy face even if inside I am hurting. I will focus on being lucky to know him instead of sorrow of losing him. I will focus on him being happy instead of being lonely without him.
Today is his day and I will celebrate a beautiful man that gave me the world every day of my life. Would serve it up to me on a platter if I asked. I love him beyond words, beyond tears, and beyond this life.
I love you Dad.
1 comment:
All of your saying and doing the right things will eventually pay off Milan. Today is a tough day beyond words yet somehow you managed to articulate how you are feeling. Your Dad deserves to be celebrated today and if you can handle nothing more than this post, you have absolutely celebrated him.
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