I am still having the morning awakenings and it is so hard to wake up in disbelief my dad is gone. It is so hard to come to the realization he isn't here and I can't call him. I have been trying to be strong in front of the kids, especially Ronin. He is able to express a lot more and understands the compassionate connection a little better than Quinn. I also think he has a different view because I lost my father and I am his father.
I was picking up Quinn for therapy yesterday and the kids were in the playground at daycare. This particular day at this time both Quinn and Ronin were there. The teachers didn't know I was only there for Quinn and called Ronin over. He came over around the gate to where Quinn and I were. I told him that mommy was coming for him later, he turn around and went back into the playground without a word. He stood on the other side of the fence looking at me. I asked him for a hug and he came back around and I saw he was trying not to cry. He was battling hard and then when he hugged me he broke down and begged me to come with me. He didn't want me to leave him. How could I leave him? He was begging for his dad. I beg for my dad everyday and can't do anything about it. His dad was right there and I couldn't not be there for him. So I picked them both up and carried them to the car and the only one not crying was Quinn. Ronin buried his face in my chest and cried. He held me so tight all the way to the car. It was very touching. Not something I will forget easily.
I started thinking about how Ronin and I have a bond, father and son. So I started reading about it. What are the things son's suffer with when they lose their father. It was very eye opening. The consensus is that all the men in one study indicated that losing their father was the single greatest loss of their life. Even for son's that had lost both parents. There were a couple things that they suffered with. They all resonated with me.
Vulnerability. The idea son's are shocked that the world doesn't stop when their dad passed. It leaves them feeling alone and isolated even if their mom is still alive. Father's served as a shield of protection. Someone they could count on for help and advice. With this gone the son doesn't know where to turn in a crisis and feels vulnerable and scared. This is something I am struggling with. Life is a very scary place for me. I don't have the comfort with turning to anyone but my dad. I could always depend on him for anything. He would never let me down and would be there for me regardless of anything. I felt safe when facing things with him and nothing seemed impossible. If things didn't work out and dad was there it was OK. I don't know what to do now that he isn't here. I feel like a burden on everyone else in my life.
Awareness of Mortality. The loss of a father creates the reality that life is finite and death in inescapable. Men see their fathers as part of them. So when their fathers pass a part of them has died as well. We operate in most cases with the assumption that we are in control of our own destiny. In the case of death is isn't true. Having our protective illusion stripped is very difficult to deal with since no amount of self control or problem solving can bring him back. I am struggling with this as well. I have no control over when people leave. This life just goes on and I am going to pass at some point. Ronin and Quinn are going to be without a dad sometime. I am not in control and things can be "fixed". I look for reasons why things happened or a way to make it OK and there isn't any. All is left in this life where my dad was is pain. Loss. Longing.
Loss of Audience. A son will go out of his way to please his father and is the one person it is acceptable to brag to. Sharing accomplishments in school, career, and family is what is typically shared. When the father is gone it isn't like a member of the audience is gone, it is like the whole audience is gone. For sons who are also fathers this loss extends to not being able to share the accomplishments of their children and not being able to seek advice for parenting. Many sons miss dad when they need their old coach in any area of life that’s giving them trouble. For me this is one of the hardest things I am dealing with as I try to get my life back. My dad was always there. When I played hockey I remember feeling nervous or unsure and would look up to the stands and see him there. He was always looking at me and gave me so much confidence. When I did something great I would look up to the stands first and he would be cheering me on. Later in life whenever something great would happen he would be the first person I want to tell. I lost all that. I feel like no one else cares about what I do or accomplish. Everyone else has their own things going on but my dad was dedicated to me. He was the one that was always there and waiting to hear about the great things I did. I feel like no one cares anymore and I have no one cheering me on.
Taking up the Mantle. A father's death is a right of passage for a son. A very painful one. Many men, regardless of their age when their father died, feel like they grew up suddenly and significantly when it happened. They have to take the lead in the family dynamic. I can't tell you how many people have told me that I am now the head of the household. I have to do my dad proud. Lead like he did. I have to take care of my mom. It is a lot of pressure that I know is on me now. I know what needs to be done but I am not sure I can do it. I don't feel ready. I am 38 years old and feel like I am a little kid that lost their dad. I feel I am not ready to grow up yet. Can I handle all this? I don't feel like I am doing a great job.
Long Shadow. As a boy grows, he learns many lessons and skills from his father who serves as his mentor and teacher. He quickly learns that it is better to do things his father's way based on experience and the hassle of disobedience. Sons long for the approval of their fathers and live to be told “good job.” Son's feel compelled to do things "Dad's way" and still long for his approval "Would dad be proud?" I struggle with this as well. I want to do everything right, the way my dad would have wanted it. Fixing something at home, do things at my parents house, even driving the car. I want it to be the way my dad would have done it. I am desperate to make sure he would have approved. I need his approval to know I am doing things OK. It hurts so much to not have him here to say I am doing a good job. I think about the things I would have loved to hear from him before he passed. The one at the top of the list is "I am proud of you". People tell me that he was but it isn't the same as hearing the words. It breaks my heart because I want to know that he was proud of me and that I wasn't a disappointment.
Father's Legacy. Later in the grieving process men will look at the life of their fathers to try to take stock of their heritage and to see how their father’s values and lifestyle have influenced them. Some sons will look back happily on men of character and values that they admire and hope to emulate. This will inspire them to leave a legacy and keep the chain intact. I am not even close to this realization. I am still suffering so much with the loss of my dad and can't see the life ahead. It is crippling to understand that my dad is gone and don't know how to proceed. I hope someday I can do this because my dad was amazing. He truly was amazing and my hero. I wish I had told him that before he was in the hospital and when he could talk back. He was everything to me. He filled me up with so much love and now I feel so empty with him gone.
As you can see these things apply directly to me. It is comforting to read what I am going through and that I am not alone but it doesn't help the pain at all. I miss my dad and struggle to find a life without him. I am so desperate to see a sign that he is with me. I feel alone and can't turn to my dad to talk to him. He can't give me advice. Just a few words to know I am going to be OK.
No comments:
Post a Comment