The above picture is from Sinead and Radu's wedding. Thank you Sinead for finding some pictures for me. If anyone has pictures of my dad please send me everything you have. It helps me see these moments captured.
I have the moments when I can bear the despair and there are times I can't. I have some suggestions for coping mechanisms to help me get through those times but they usually involve me pushing the thoughts out of my mind and focusing on other things. I find that extremely hard. Partly because it is difficult to do and mostly because I don't think my dad deserves to ever be pushed out of my mind. He is too important to me and I would never push him away in any form. That is my real struggle. Finding the way to pull him close to my heart without feeling the pain. I talk and talk to people for some parts of help and try different things but haven't found something that works.
I know my dad has passed and is gone. His life on this earth has ended but he didn't go on his own. He took such a big part of me with him. The title of this blog could be a lot more that 2 lives lost, considering my mom, my sister, Quinn, Ronin, and all the other people my dad impacted, but I will continue to try and focus on what I am going through because I could never understand their pain. I lost such a big part. I lost the possibilities, the new moments lost, and I lost my direction in life. I thought I had a good idea of how I wanted to live my life and face the challenges that were ahead of me but now I am not sure. This life is lost. How do I find the way to be OK with this life without my dad. What do I do about work? Working out? Playing sports? Being a father? I need his counsel and his love right now. I need it.
I can feel him right there. I can hear his voice. I can almost feel his touch. But he is gone. He feels so close but is so unattainable. I long for 5 minutes to talk to him. Just the reassurance from the only person that matters right now that I will be OK and things will be OK. How do I get that? How do I know that? How do I find this life?
I try and understand that I didn't rely on my dad to do things for me. I did need him though. I needed to know I always had him to help me along. I think about the time he was in the hospital and kept telling the doctors that he just needs a little help. I would tell him that he is an amazing man and just needs a little help. That is how I feel now. I know I have these great things in life but I always needed that little bit of help from my dad. The small things to help me through life as well as the larger emotional part. He gave me that little nudge through life so I could keep going. When I was younger the nudges were stronger and more frequent but as I got older they were less apparent and less direct. He would just ask if I was OK. He would drop off some groceries that he know we needed but never asked for. He would put his arm around me and hug me every time he saw me. He would just be him. He would comfort me without words. No one in the world can do that for me. I try and look and find other ways to help me cope. Look for the same things from other places but they aren't here, they aren't my dad. I feel so much desperation to have my dad with me, to have him hug me, and to understand that is not possible, is discouraging to say the least.
People tell me all kinds of encouraging things that I am sure sound great but don't seem to have impact on me. I know I need to embrace the great times I had with my dad. I know time moves on. I know my kids need me. I know I need to live in his honor. I know he would want me to be happy. I know his spirit won't rest unless he knows I am happy. I know all that and so much more. It doesn't help my heart. I can't just "move on" without my dad. It isn't that easy. If it were, then he wouldn't have been such a big part of my life.
My mental cycle of grief is so tough. I continue to hash through the hospital and everything that happened. I am grateful that everyone is so patient with me and support my questions/confirmations of events. I try and focus on the good times. I can say all the right things to the people that are also suffering with the loss of my dad. He had a great life. He was loved. He got sick and fought hard. His body gave out. It was his time. I say all these things with the greatest intentions in mind but they don't ease the pain. Maybe in time they will give us some comfort but I struggle to go to bed and wake up everyday. It is another sunset and sunrise I am experiencing without my father. I know he has left this world but I still need him and I still miss him.
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