I have been trying to organize my thoughts and appreciate all the support I have been receiving from everyone that cares about me. Throughout the day I get notes from people and it helps. That being said the time I need the most support is when people aren't around, early in the morning.
I have been waking up really early and in so much pain. Every morning I am woken up with so much despair and pain. It is like I am losing my dad again. I relive it all again so vividly every morning from the time he was admitted into the hospital to the point when he passed. Then I go through all the things I wanted to do with my dad when he was alive. Relive all the regrets I had. I try and work it out without waking up Brenda but the tears usually wake her up. Then I ask her to confirm details for me because I start to lose my ability to think straight as the wave of emotions over take me. The intensity is just as strong as when I first lost my dad. They say that over time the intensity doesn't really go down but you get more time between the pain and grief. I am terrified to live like this forever, dealing with the pain every morning, missing my dad so much, crying so much, hurting so much. I ask why did he have to go. I ask where he is now. I ask if I will ever see him again. I can't lay down and I can't stand up.
There is nothing in the morning that brings me comfort. I cry when I look at pictures and videos in the morning. It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. The unrest eats me alive and I feel I am starting the grieving process all over again. Fighting to accept the loss of my dad. I try and rationalize why do I have to go through this every morning. Am I going crazy? Am I just making up for the time during sleep when I wasn't thinking about him? I just don't know. I am writing this in the morning and the tears are flowing. I want to have my dad hug me and make me feel safe. There is so much longing for him that my heart breaks to pieces.
When I do pull it together enough to get the kids up I go to see Ronin and every morning he refers to Aaja. Aaja would love this shirt. Do you miss Aaja daddy? Then I break apart again and have to take a break from him. I then think about all the thoughts Quinn is having that she can't tell me and it breaks me down even further. How does she cope and understand that her Aaja isn't here? How does she find comfort without him?
He provided a safe place for her the same way he did for me, so I understand how she might be feeling.
It is a cycle of grief that I don't know how to manage. How could I possibly get back to a normal life again with these mornings every day. Every day feeling lost and hurt. Every day feeling like I lost my father, friend, and protector. Every day feeling that love hurts so much. What is the point?
These are my mornings. This is what I go through every day. I don't feel I start my day until about 10am when I can get my emotions sorted out. So many tears. So much pain.
I have been actively trying to reach out to everyone and anyone I know to try and find support. Everyone has been great and I have received so much love from people. It helps so much to have people that I can reach out to and talk to. People that can tell me their memories of the relationship I had with my dad. I still can't believe my dad is gone. There are points when I talk to people and I think this is a terrible nightmare that will be over and he will be sitting with me again. Then I try to battle with the thoughts of coming to terms with missing him more than words. Missing having him near me. How do I not have him around in my life?
Thank you to everyone that has helped and continues to help me. I am sorry that this process isn't going as quickly as I would like. I wish I could come to terms of losing him and start the next phase of my life. I just can't yet. Nurses used to commend me on always being there for my dad and I used to tell them that I would never leave him. They say that they have never seen that before and I tell them that I know that he would never leave me. I am scared for my life to move on and leave him behind. I don't want my life to separate from my dad, ever.
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