Our Daily Chats

As I think I have mentioned before, I used to call my dad everyday. We wouldn't talk about much but it was nice to have that 10 minutes a day to talk to him. The topic of the day would change all the time from sports, the kids, cars, to any of a wide range of other things. Yesterday I took a long drive up to see Quinn, Brenda and her parents at their house in Peterborough. It was a surprise drop in as I was in Brampton and Ronin was at daycare. I was thinking that a long drive to talk to myself would be good. I loaded some stuff that needed to go to Peterborough in the truck and off I went. The drive up was more about reminiscing and thinking about what had happened. I got there and unloaded the stuff. Had a bite to eat and headed back to get Ronin. The drive back I found myself more emotional. The entire drive back I held my cell phone so tight in my hand so desperately wishing I could call him. Trying to remember the countless conversations we had and how it was so comforting to know I could just pick up the phone to talk to him. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed and needed those 10 minutes in my day. Now I do understand. That time gave me a sense of being loved and needed beyond what I get from Brenda and the kids. It was a feeling I have never not had. Every time he picked up the phone there was no doubt he was happy to hear my voice. He was so comforting just by the way he said "Hello". Whatever problems I had would just seem in perspective at that moment. I wouldn't talk to him about my problems very often, that really wasn't what the call was about it was just a daily connection to my dad. I am lost without it. Those 10 minutes made my heart feel like there was someone out there that has and will always be there just for me. My dad would never let anything stand in the way of him being with me and it hurts so much to know I can't have that anymore. I think that is the biggest source of the loneliness I feel. That same loneliness transfers on to Quinn and Ronin. Someone worded it to me quite correctly, I am suffering through the loss of my dad two fold, one for me and one for Quinn & Ronin.

The daily chats would usually end with my dad passing the phone to my mom. I would delay asking about my mom because as soon as I would, my dad would pass the phone off so I could get the information first hand. I would ask him about the Cadillac, how he is feeling, what he is doing, and all kinds of other stuff. It was what they call those little things. My mom said when he got home he would always ask if I called. I never thought he really focused on my calls but know I understand how much he looked forward to it as well. It was so special. The whole drive was that constant longing to call my dad but it was so much more. I cried a lot. I missed him. I screamed. I cried some more. I remembered him. I was in disbelief he was gone. I yelled some more. I thought about the hospital. It was emotionally draining but also a release. I am starting to understand why my mom says she needs time to be alone. This was my alone time and I was able to let everything go. It felt nice not to censor anything and talk aloud. The whole drive came to a point when a song came on an old CD I had in the car. There was a song called "In a Little While" by Uncle Kracker. It seemed like the song was written for me at this moment. Here are a few lyrics from that song:

Sometimes I feel like Something is gone here

Something is wrong here, I don't belong here

I've lost what I have found

In a little while I will be thinking about you

In a little while I'll still be here without you

You never gave me a reason to doubt you

As you can see it is very direct to what I am going through. The part about I don't belong here really hit home. I belong in a life where my dad is. Where I can pick up the phone to talk to him and not a life where he passed away and I can't reach him. I've lost the relationship with him that I had just understood when he went into the hospital. All the other lines are self explanatory. It was weird to hear this song at this time on a CD I haven't listened to in years. Then there was a verse that totally broke me down:

On the other side of a coin
There’s a face there’s a memory somewhere that I can’t erase
And there’s a place that I'll find someday
But sometimes I feel like it’s slippin’ away

This is how I feel. It is my dad and a place with him that I want to find but it is slipping away as my life with him just becomes memories and it is so hard. I miss him as a part of my physical life.

I think back to listening to the radio when I had issues with girls and it seemed like all the songs were written for me. It was because those songs were written with that situation in mind. I don't think there are too many songs out there with what I am going through in mind. In fact this song is more about a break up than about losing a parent.

The picture above is the image I remember every time I walk into my parents house. That was my dad's "spot" he would look over and get up if he wasn't in the middle of something. I remember him there when I was growing up working so hard on stuff with papers everywhere but would always take time to talk with me. It is really that which impacts me. He was part of every single day of my life. I am lost without that call, it is amazing how losing 10 minutes a day can crush you on so many level. I miss you dad.